Paper Hearts (Phan)

26 days

I guess I could say it was a normal night for once in this school year; well it was as normal as it was ever gonna get with everyone. We were all sitting at a booth in a pizza place a 16 minute walk downtown, eating 8 orders of breadsticks and 3 extra-large pizzas because PJ said he'd be able to, but ended up needing help on the last ones. And Chris was the one stuffing his face with breadsticks and Cat was eating pizza like a normal person, and Dan was off in the corner playing some rackety old pinball game. I would've sat back and laughed at everyone if I hadn't finished off half of the last extra-large already.

"Dude," Chris burped and held his chest like he was about to explode "this is like post ice cream morning, but ten times worse."

"There's so much grease, my arteries are being clogged as we speak." PJ hunched over and his face landed in the slice of pizza in front of him, and I could've sworn I heard him chewing a couple seconds later.

And then Chris glanced over to Dan, still playing that pin ball game, and said "someone's gotta go check on him." And everyone turned to me like I was automatically assumed to be the one to do it.

"Why can't Cat do it?"

"He likes you the best, Philly."

That was a stupid excuse because I'm 100% sure he's known PJ and Cat and Chris longer than he's known me and it wouldn't make sense at all if he liked me the best. I don't think anyone likes me the best. But I never liked anyone specifically the best so that might be why.

And I stopped halfway out of my seat because 1) I didn't believe them and 2) I knew he was probably lying since 3) he hadn't fallen asleep with me for the past week let alone 4) express his liking towards me. But I got up anyways and wandered over to Dan, all eyes on me.

The ball missed the flipper at the bottom as soon as I got close enough to see what he was doing, and the score flashed at the backbox when he glanced up towards me.

"You distracted me."

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry." he said and pulled out another quarter from his pocket for another game "are they worrying about me again?"

I nodded and he hit the ball so it slid over the jackpot and into a small neon lane besides it. And he kept playing.

"They're worrying about me too much," he muttered " 'm fine."

The ball slipped between the flippers and into the point of no return, the game finished. And he mumbled something about lack of quarters and followed me back to the booth, the focused glare in his eyes made it look like he was contemplating the thought of murder.

He looked up at me out of the corner of his eyes and I had to pretend I didn't see him do that, and I'm kinda glad I didn't because a moment later his hand found mine and he didn't let go. I'm not sure why, but I didn't mind.

And when we slid in to the seats, Chris passed him an entire bowl overflowing with breadsticks, and he took it like they would burst into flames or set the table on fire.

Nobody said anything until we all piled into Cat's car, and that person was Chris, who told us we shouldn't ever let him go to that pizza place ever again unless he was under supervision.

"Bad choices," he groaned and clutched his stomach "I've made some bad choices tonight."

"You ate 3 bowls of breadsticks."

"Very bad choices."

__________

"So like, was it just me or did Dan seem really pissed off today?" PJ called over to me from the kitchen, filling up a cup of noodles with sink water that was probably laced with lead or something.

"It wasn't just you."

"Good. Because I didn't want to seem like an asshole for being the only one that thought that, y'know?"

I nodded along to his words without really listening because I knew that's what he'd say since he'd been saying that for the past week. And he wasn't wrong; Dan had been more irritated and remorseful than he normally was. And that stomach churning idea that something was wrong just keep popping up and threatening to flood my lungs like cigarette smoke, and let me tell you that was not a good experience.

PJ pulled his dinner out of the shitty microwave replacement he'd had to buy (by himself) after accidentally causing the free one provided with the room to almost burn down the kitchen, and carefully sat down next to me on the couch, kicking his bare feet up on the plastic coffee table like he was raised in a barn. Well he was raised in a trailer park, but that's not the point. Also this was like second dessert to him which was pretty weird, but I went with it.

"This is going to sound insane, but hear me out," he said and slurped down a forkful of noodles before continuing "have you had that feeling in your chest lately like something terrible is going to happen?" And I looked at him and told him that I did too and he nodded suspiciously and didn't say another word.

"I'm going on a walk." I told him, and I did.

Literally a minute within stepping outside I wanted to go back inside, but I told PJ I was going on a walk and damn it, I was going on a walk.

So I wandered around Seacoast until I crossed to the side of the campus I'd never been to before and it turns out there was a little bridge there over an even smaller stream of water. They could've built the bridge over the river I passed on the way to the jacuzzi, but no. I had to get the soles of my feet drenched in water each time I stepped on one of those rocks.

And I thought, I should go investigate, which I really shouldn't have done because 1) it was like 11pm 2) I've been walking for 20 minutes and 3) someone was leaning over the railing. But I went over anyways and stood next to whoever the hell it was.

"Philly, you should be asleep." And the shadows passed over his face for a second and my heart missed a beat when I realized it was Dan. It wasn't missing a good beat either. It was when your heart drops and you feel sick for that moment. I hate that feeling.

"Well you should be too."

And he looked at me while trying to suppress a smile and he completely lost it for no apparent reason, leaning over the bridge like he was trying to lean over too far and fall the 7 feet into the stream. But he stopped howling with laughter as quickly as he started like he'd been going insane for just those 10 seconds. And Dan glanced up to the stars and then back over to me before focusing on the trees to our right.

"Have I ever told you about Sammy?"

"I don't think so?"

"Well lemme tell you, he was something. And I know it was so long ago and we were too young to be like 'in love' or anything but at this point I've stopped thinking that because I really think he was the one." He swiped at his nose with his sweater sleeve and rested his chin down on the railing, the only sound for a moment being the rushing water and the stupid crickets that never stopped chirping.

"I really miss him, y'know? Like I could've stopped him or done something, anything. But I didn't. And he's dead and it's all my fault."

"You couldn't do anything-"

"I could've. Maybe I should've stuck up to Emma and Zoe, or anything. Literally anything."

I stared down at the rocks settled in the water, and it finally hit me that he was dead and he blamed himself. Although he shouldn't have but he did anyways. And I felt terrible because there was nothing I could do to try and make him feel better because you can't bring back dead people no matter how much witch voodoo magic you use, and even then it would probably backfire like it does in all the short stories passed around the campfire.

"I just really miss him." Dan sighed, looked back up to the sky with a frown on his lips, and returned to his dorm room, leaving me on the bridge alone to wonder again what he did to the universe to make it hate him so much.