Our Plan {narry}

Chapter 34: Me, and him

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         The car ride was silent.

        Liam sat next beside me, driving us to whatever club John had texted me earlier. I was so damn nervous, I couldnt even remember.

I was thinking about so much all at once. In fact, I dont even know how I managed to keep control, to not break down. It was a never ending swirl of endless emotions, so many of them, and so many different things. Was it wrong of me to end it with Harry, and then go out with someone else days later? Was it wrong to spend years pining after someone, and let them go in just a matter of day? Was it a complete mistake to let go of Harry?

And lastly, why did I still love him so damn much?

But I knew the answer to that, didnt I? It was because Harry was so compatible with me, we just got along so well. It was because I had known him for so long, and because he knew all my secrets. It was because of the connection I felt with him so quickly, and the fear I had when we took off to quickly.

It was because, he was Harry. My Harry.

But again, he wasnt my Harry, at least not now. Not after everything these last few days. Not after seeing those tears in his eyes. No, he had been mine, and I had let go of it all. Whether that was the right thing to do or not, I was still trying to decide. At the time, it had felt like the right thing to do. My chest had been so tight, my hands had shook, my stomach was in knots. It was like the ceiling was slowly getting lower and lower, and at the same time the walls were closing in. When I was with Harry, I had felt like I couldnt breath.

And maybe, in a way, that was my own fault. I mean, wasnt it me who had pressured him into a proper relationship so quickly? Wasnt it me who had gotten so upset when he wouldnt show me enough attention?

And wasnt it me who freaked out when he finally did?

I hadnt really thought about it like that before, honestly. I had been looking at it as if it was our fault equally, as a couple. I had been looking at it as if we were both to blame. But if I looked back on the little detail now, it was suddenly becoming Harry who was the victim.

And damn, if that didnt hurt.

It hurt enough to be away from Harry at all. And hell, it hurt plenty to know he probably didnt really want me around. And it hurt like the devil that I was the cause of his pain. But this, was a different kind of pain. It was pain, but also a bit of fear. I didnt think that made much sense, but that was the only way I knew how to describe it. Like a fear.

Fear of what though? Of losing Harry? Well, I had clearly already done that with flying colors.

So that didnt relaly leave anything else to be afraid of, did it. I mean, all this time I had thought that this fear was of losing Harry, but it seemed that maybe that wasnt the case. But the thought that maybe all this time, I had been wrong, was too much to cope with. The thought that, losing Harry couldve been prevented, was to much to live with.

"Niall, dear Lord what the hell is wrong with you?" Liam asked from my right. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, noticing happily his eyes were still focused on the road, though his face wore a scowl. I sighed, rather loudly at that, making it clear that something was up. I didnt want to talk about this with anyone but Chris, but I figured the next best person would be Liam. Because I knew he would be honest with me, even if the truth told me I was a bloody idiot.

"Nothings wrong really," I began, "I just dont understand why I cant get him off my mind. It's like he's renting a damn flat there or something," I grumbled, as if Harry could possibly be to blame for this. I saw Liam shake his head, as if he was agreeing with me.