Our Plan {narry}

Chapter 29: Tell you a secret

               

         I didn't want to talk to anyone. At least that's what I decided as I made my way back into mine and Harry' shared room. I didn't want to talk to him, more than anyone else. In fact, I didn't even want him to see me, because then he would know how weak I was without him. How hard I was taking this. And though I had no proof, I knew I had to be taking this worse than he was.

I pulled the card out of my pocket, sliding it under the door handle and pushing it open with my elbow, stepping into the brightly lit room. I dropped my bag to the floor, and made my way along the hallway and into the living area. I knew Harry would more than likely be out, or at least in another lad's room, simply because we only had an hour before we needed to head off to the airport. But as I thought, one thing I had said was still ringing in my ears.

We're just on a break, like an experiment. As I had told my father late last night. But thinking abut that statement now, I wondered the honesty of it. We weren't on a break, according to my brain. To me, we were split up, we were done. Not forever, but for now. Until he figured out what he wanted, and I figured out what I needed. The problem was, if what I needed was Harry, I wasn't sure I'd be able to have him back. It was a stingy thought, but if it turned out that he was all I needed, I would make sure no one had him but me, unless he didn't want it as well.

But for now, I was testing the waters.

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        "Mate, you realize eventually you're going to have to talk about it?" Liam whispered from the seat beside me. I turned to him, raising my eyebrows as if I had no idea of what he meant. As I said, I ddint want to talk about it, but if I was trapped in a corner it didn't seem like I would have much of a choice.

"I dunno what you mean," I shrugged, looking back down at the book the book that rested in my lap. My hands were folded over my slightly shaking knees, and my head was rested on the padded backs of my seat. Harry and Louis had run off to another part of the the plane, neither of them giving me a second glance. Harry had worn a stern, faded look of guilt upon his face, and Louis a mask of regret. I had wanted so badly to follow them back, but had soon thought better of it, given that I was already the cause of this. So, I had simply opened the nearest book I could find, though I wasn't paying attention to it in the least. It was hard to concentrate, when you felt like you were the conversation topic just a few feet away, and couldn't listen in.

"So we're gonna play that game are we?' Liam asked, though to my surprise there was no trace of humor in his tone. I gave him a look, another look of confusion, and shook my head. "You know, the game where you pretend everything is okay and great, even though the rest of us know it's far from that. The game where you play fantasy," His words hurt, and to deny that would be nothing short of a lie. I wasn't sure, though, if they hurt because of the cruelty, or simply the bitter honesty the carried with them. I wanted to turn away, to tell him to pack his shit up and go somewhere else, but I figure the last thing I needed was to push away another person I might need more than I realized.

"It's over," I whispered, "Harry and I," And that was all I planned on saying, until he decided to carry on the conversation I was trying to hardly to drop.

"How can something possibly be over before it's begun?" He asked. And I almost dropped my book. My palms began to sweat for no apparent reason, and my stomach began to flip around. I think it was possibly how true his words were, or maybe the fact that all of this was causing those emotions I had just gotten rid of to come back. But either way, the feeling it gave me wasn't one I wanted to keep, and feared if I did I might lose that sliver of sanity I was still fighting to clutch onto.