Our Plan {narry}

Chapter 26: The story of us

    His eyes were wide, much like my own. Moments ago, I couldve told you id heard small puffs of air coming from his mouth, telling me he was breathing. However now, I wasnt so sure.

I hadn't even began to talk. I hadn't even began to explain how I was feeling, or what I thought we needed. I hadn't even had a chance to tell him why we though we needed it. Because before I could get any of that out, his eyes had widened, and his mouth had gaped open slightly. I wanted to sooth him as soon as I saw the discomfort he was in. I also wanted to kick myself in the shins several times, for causing such a beautiful person to feel this way. However I didn't, simply for the fact that I was too busy looking at him, with him looking at me right back, both of us probably looking as stupid as ever just standing there and the doorway of our hotel room. Our hotel room. Try as I might to keep these thoughts away, it didnt stop that little voice in the back of my mind from questioning if we would ever have another hotel room together after tonight.

That was the thing. I could actually feel the pain all of this was causing me, taring a whole larger than America in my chest. I could feel the tears already just a blink away from falling, and I could almost feel the pain I was causing him as well. I could feel it all, but it never once made me think twice about what I was going to do. Maybe it was a motivation, almost? I thought it sounded terrible to think this way, to think this way at all, but at the same time, I knew that if I hadn't found some sort of closure, some sort of way to cope with the pain I knew I would feel, I probably wouldn't have been able to go through with what I had to do. I wouldve looked into his eyes, and see the boy I loved, and the boy who I wanted to see. But the problem with that was, just because I saw the boy I wanted to see, didnt mean that that was who he actually was.

Everyone always said love was blind. Though standing here now I was beginning to question what those words really meant.

I felt the pity flood through my eyes, as much as I tried to stop it. I shifted my gaze away from his, so I wouldn't work him up into a panic if he accidently saw the expression I was sure I was wearing. Guilt.

     I placed my hand against his chest, pushing slightly so I could slide next to him, and into the hotel room. I could fe3el my arms wanting to slide around his waste, and I could also feel myself almost giving into it. And that, was the one thing I couldnt do.

I decided, as I slid my feet own the narrow hallway of the large hotel room, that I couldnt let myself give in. No matter what he said, no matter how horribly it broke me, or it broke him. I knew that this was right, and that all I had decided earlier was correct too. Everything Chris had said had been true, and maybe I had always known it as well. Maybe I had always known that this was all much too quick. Maybe I had always known that Harry was overwhelmed. And maybe, I just hadnt cared.

   Though the thought scarred me to think, I almost decided then and there that it was true. Maybe I had always known Harry was being rushed into something he was ready for. I mean for God's sake's, he'd just come out to me over a week ago. He had only had a week to prepare himself for all that this brought with him. Judgment, hate, love, pity, acceptance, difference, and reality. All of this had been forced at him at once, and even I didn't know what that was like. I had had so many years to build my strength up to coming out. Ans sure, maybe all hadn't gone as planned so far, but that wasn't the end of my story. It didn't end there. All of these thoughts, all of these actions and fears I had built up over all the years were chapters in my life. They were chapters that I had started so, so long ago, in a time where I was waiting for my happy ending. In a time where I needed a story to tell.

And now I was beginning to tell my story to someone. To Harry.

  I had began to tell Harry my story, while at the same time still writing the chapters to it. My story wasn't even finished yet, yet here I was telling Harry all about it. Going through every detail I had ever created, going through it all with someone who I felt a connection to.