Dear Jeff [complete]

2. Grace

"There's the moon asking to stay

Long enough for the clouds to fly me away

Oh, it's my time coming, I'm not afraid, afraid to die"

Dear Jeff,

I only want to remember our good moments. Maybe I am a selfish person for that because all of us are made of light and shadows but I don't want to remember the bad times. I try my hardest to forget all of that... The cold month of May and the Wolf River. That Led Zeppelin song that now doesn't sound lovely to me anymore.

Sometimes I am okay but it takes just a little thing to remind me of you, like a small ladybug flying... The sweet smell of a perfume... A quote from some music on the radio. How foolish was I for thinking I could forget anything about you?

And the memories come back like waves pushing me deeper into my feelings. I love you. I miss you. But there are no words invented yet to express what I feel.

A few years back, watching a sunset in the big and lonely New York City I remember your words when you said that you wondered what happens to the love when someone leaves this world behind. Because in the end your death also happens to your family and everyone that loves you.

"I am not afraid to die.", you used to say. "I just think about the pain I might leave behind.".

And I don't want to blame you (God knows I could never do it) but this pain you left behind in me makes it so hard to breathe with a shattered heart in my chest and a lump in my throat. On the rainy days as I look through my window I believe it's raining all over the world when the sky cries for you.

Some people say you were just like a shooting star. So bright yet passing so fast in this world. And maybe they are right.

Tonight, all by myself again, I think I will have a drink or two. As you used to say "Drinking a little bit of wine, I might go tomorrow.".

"And the rain is falling and I believe

My time has come

It reminds me of the pain I might leave"