Dear Jeff [complete]

9. Eternal Life

"And as your fantasies are broken in two

Did you really think this bloody road would pave the way for you?

You better turn around and blow your kiss hello to life eternal,

Angel"

Dear Jeff,

I was watching some of your videos today. Not the ones on YouTube when you were performing your songs in front of a loud crowd, but the ones of you in New York getting in a taxi cab and singing some random song on the radio (Was it a Morrissey song? I am not sure.).

I shed some tears watching a video of you adorning the Christmas tree in our little apartment with a beautiful view to the Hudson river. I could hear your laugh and your voice... Sometimes I almost forget what your laugh sounded like. The way it radiated pure happiness made me laugh too.

"Honey, please stop moving around.", I asked you. "Can you just stay next to the Christmas tree?"

"Like this?", he asked, putting his arm around the tree and smiling.

"Perfect!", I said.

"No, it's not perfect. C'here.", he said. "You need to show up on the video too."

And Jeff took the camera to film us together right in front of our Christmas tree. He kissed my lips before putting the camera down and finishing the little video.

I used to feel so inspired when I was with you. My paintings had the brightest colors; my poems had the loveliest words. But now I find myself once again with a cigarette in my shaking hands on the balcony. I don't know anymore what to paint, what to write, what to say at all.

I lost everything I ever had... Maybe I have lost myself too...

When I see your videos and every time I hear your beautiful songs, I wonder if you knew how much you were loved. How much you were admired. How much you are missed right now.

Well Jeff, I love you. I will always admire you. I will miss you for billions of years, 'till the end of the freaking times.

As you said once in a song: I know everybody here misses you.

But baby I know the words on your songs kiss the eternal life.

And you'll be forever remembered.

Forever loved.

Forever missed.

My angel.

"What is love, where is happiness, what is life, where is peace?

When will I find the strength to bring me release?

Tell me where is the love in what your prophet has said?"

*****