Dear Jeff [complete]

8. Corpus Christi Carol

"On this bed there lyeth a knight

His wound is bleeding day and night

By his bedside kneeleth a maid

And she weepeth both night and day"

Dear Jeff,

I lay myself to sleep every night but I am not sure if I still know what sleep really is. I dream wide awake with you, letting myself get lost in some kind of fantasy where dreams meet the reality. Sometimes it feels too real...

Sometimes you are still here with me, laying down right beside me on this bed that used to be ours. I can still hear you sing a little love song on a summer day outside when you pick up your guitar and spend hours feeling the sun on your soft skin.

There are times I believe you are still around. There are times when I still wait until midnight hoping for you to come home. There are times I still hope you will come to bed just so I can feel your warm body next to me.

I am living between the reality and a dream, Jeff.

I miss you so much that I can hardly live at all...

I swear I never know what to say when I leave sunflowers (do you remember when you used to buy flowers for me?) next to your tombstone... My heart is frozen while I try to find the right words to say, but I never speak. This silence is all I know now after you're gone. There is no music... No hallelujah.

At least not for me...

I am starting to understand that this pain will never go away. This hole you left in my chest. This wound will never heal. The scar in my soul will never fade.

And once again, as I say goodbye to you on that cold and lonely grave, I know I will keep dreaming about you. Because the fantasy can never hurt me like the reality.

"By his bedside standeth a stone

Corpus Christi written thereon"