Between The Yees And The Haws

Cletus Cowpussy

Name: Cletus Cowpussy
Age: 26
Occupation: Loud Guy
Created By/Modeled After: Jake Emerson

"You can't fucking stop me, you fucking asshole!" Edward screamed at Cletus.

"I ain't tryna force ya to do nothin', I ain't ever gonna force you to do nothin', but can you just fuckin' LISTEN to me for once you fuckin' PRICK!" Cletus screamed back.

"I am DONE, Cletus. I am DONE with this shit." Edward spat. "We had a good thing, you and I. Why the fuck did you gotta go and ruin it?" He yelled.

Cletus wanted to tell him. He wanted to just scream the words to him right then and there.

"Because you can't do shit for yourself!" Cletus answered. Not the right words. "Because you're such a fuckin' moron that if no one looks after you, you're gonna wind up DEAD." Also not the right words. Edward stood there, fuming.

"Well FUCK you, Cletus. Just FUCK you!" Edward yelled. "You ain't gonna tell me what to do no more." He said, softer this time. "Just...fuck you, Cletus."

Edward stormed out the door, slamming it behind him. Cletus was baffled. Why the fuck would Edward come over to talk about the whole sleeping with Sanjay situation when he knew Cletus would just be angry with him? Who convinced him that was a good idea? He sat down at his kitchen table, unsure of what to do next. He couldn't let Edward just go.

There was a knock at his door. Cletus got up to open it, hoping Edward had calmed down in the thirty seconds they had spent apart. He opened the door to see Vivian and Montgomery.

"Partner...what did you do?" The red-headed waitress asked him.

"He just stormed outta here like you done killed his mama or somethin'!" Montgomery added. Cletus shook his head.

"I don't know. I don't fuckin' know. Is it a crime to want what's best for him? The fuckin' prick ain't even grateful for me. That he has someone who fuckin' cares about him, the ASSHOLE." Cletus snapped, clenching his fists.

"Buddy do you think-" Vivian paused. "Well first off, you gonna let us in or are we gonna stand here on your porch all day?" She asked impatiently. Cletus opened the door wider for the two of them.

"Cletus, partner. Edward is my bestest buddy in the whole world." Vivian explained as she and Montgomery walked in. "And I know him well enough to know that he ain't gonna let this go." She said. "He doesn't take kindly to people tellin' him what to do. I don't understand how you haven't figured that out yet."

"I have, Viv. It's just...I just want what's best for him, goddammit." He huffed. She glanced at Montgomery, who sighed.

"Buddy...do you want what's best for him...or you?" Montgomery asked his best friend. Cletus took a minute to himself.

"What the hell are you sayin'?" Cletus asked him. Vivian sighed.

"If you're in love with him, you just shoulda told him. Now he just sees you as a control freak for no fuckin' reason." She explained to him.

"You musta lost your goddamn mind, whore." Cletus spat at her. "I ain't fuckin' in love with him."

"Whoa, hey partner, take the hostility down a whole bunch." Montgomery said, placing a hand on Cletus' shoulder.

"Would you shut the fuck up, Mont? This ain't about you." Cletus said to him.

"This ain't about me either, fucker! But I worry. Mont and I's just worried, that's all." Vivian said. "And it's wrong to treat your best buddy like that, ain't it?" She told Cletus, patting Montgomery on the back. Montgomery sighed and opened the door.

"I don't have time for this, Cletus." He said softly. "I hope your shit all works out or whatever." He patted Vivian on the back. "Good luck with him, Viv." Montgomery closed the door behind him before either of them could say anything.

"I hope it all works out to, ya know." She said, breaking the silence. Cletus has his head in his hands. He nodded.

"I...I don't know if it will. But I hope so too." He looked up at her. "Viv...I can't let it happen."

"You can't let what happen?"

"I can't let him bang that fuckin' outlaw." Cletus said. "I can't just stand by and let it happen."

"Cletus..." Vivian began.

"I don't need to hear it, Viv. I know it's a bad idea but I can't explain it. I just know he's gonna do it!"

"And what's gonna happen if he does? What's gonna happen if you catch 'em in the act, Cletus? It's Sanjay the motherfuckin' Outlaw for Christ's sake!" She spat. "This obsession is gonna KILL you."

"Stop calling it a fuckin' obsession, it ain't an obsession!"

"Then what is it, Cletus? Fuckin' tell me!"

"I don't know, Viv-"

"Tell me, Cletus!"

"I'M JUST FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HIM, ALRIGHT?" He screamed. She was silent. Then,

"It's about time, you right idiot."

The sun was going down. Cletus was in a dilemma. He knew Edward was going to do it, especially if he was mad at Cletus. But Vivian was right. What the hell was he gonna do if he caught them? Sanjay could just kill him in two seconds flat and go right back to sleeping with the love of his life. It was a hopeless situation. A fucking crazy situation.

But Cletus was a fucking crazy guy.

He walked the dirt trail, his heart pounding. He was getting close to Edward's house. Cletus tried to mentally prepare himself for what was about to happen. And going in there without a plan, no less. But he loved Edward. He didn't care what he had to do. He finally reached the house.

Cletus decided to go around the back. To look through Edward's bedroom window. That way, he was at least behind something. He peered in to look.

Sure enough, he saw Edward under the covers with another man.

Should've brought a gun, Cletus thought. Shoot that motherfucker dead. Sanjay was wanted dead or alive, Cletus could get something out of it too. He tried to get a good look at Sanjay, but couldn't. He leaned in closer to the window.

"Whatcha lookin' at, partner?" He heard a voice from behind call. He turned around and his heart stopped. Sanjay laughed. "You okay? You lookin' at me like I'm a ghost, buddy!" He chuckled.

"But...you're in there, ain't you!" He said to Sanjay, pointing to Edward's house. Sanjay raised an eyebrow.

"Uh...last time I checked, I was out here." Sanjay pointed to himself. Cletus ran. He ran as fast as he could to Edward's front door. It was locked. Cletus bashed it in after only a few tries.

He ran into Edward's bedroom. And his heart fell into his chest.

"Ain't no fuckin' way..." Cletus whispered. The two men scrambled to get the covers over themselves.

"Cletus, I can explain-" The man told him. Cletus just shook his head.

"Montgomery...how could you, partner?"