The Virus Of Life

The Secret

* DISCLAIMER: Contains explicit language, drug use, violent references, sexual content.

I sit here, flipping through the old photos of John and I. Nothing takes my mind off of him. No amount of time eases the pain. And nothing that anyone says can fill this void that I'm now left with.

Even though I know it isn't my fault, I can't help but think, 'could I have prevented this from happening? I could have asked him to wait and come home until the next morning. I could have driven to see him. I could have traveled with him.'

But none of that could have possibly changed the outcome - I know things happen and I know that every series of events has a purpose. But in reality, you never think it could happen to you. Until it does.

Don't listen to the lies that people tell you; there is no preparation for the loss of a loved one. No matter what your religion, it doesn't help to know they're in a 'better place'. Because we're all taught to be selfish and to love unconditionally, with them by our sides.

I can't help but to feel completely lost now. Looking back, I've been so ignorant and taken so many things for granted. I just assumed that since I was on a winning streak, that nothing could possibly happen to end everything.

My phone rang, startling me from my daze. I wiped the tears from my face with the sleeves of my sweatshirt and got up from the floor, walking to the kitchen counter where my phone sat hooked to the receiver.

'RUBY' flashed on the caller ID. Well, shit. I can't ignore a call from my best friend. I wish for space and time to myself, even though it's dangerous for me right now. It's only been one month since I lost him, but it feels like I relive the same day over and over. I have nightmares every night; with different scenarios flashing of what actually happened.

"Hey, Rubes." I answered hoarsely. Damn. She's gonna know I've been crying now.

"Oh, sweetie. Bad day? Shit. Don't answer that; I know it is. I just wanted to check on you and let you know I'll be off work soon and I'm bringing pizza and beer." She talked so fast I could barely understand her, and that made me laugh.

"Okay. I'm going to run to the cemetery really quick. I'll try to be back by the time you get here," I told her and shortly after we ended our call.

I grabbed a thick hoodie and threw it on as I walked out the door, locking it behind me. I pulled out a cigarette and my car keys. I lit the smoke and inhaled deeply, enjoying both the nicotine and cold Iowa air entering my lungs at once.

I let my thoughts drift to how I ended up living here in Iowa. I was born and raised in Colorado Springs. It wasn't my favorite place in the world but it was home. A feeling I've never experienced until John took me to his hometown in Iowa. He took me in and said he wanted to move back if his job ever let him be steady and not travel constantly.

It was a plan we had made for when we got married. We would take a long honeymoon and build our dream home right here in his town. Now, looking back, I could just picture how happy we would be right now and it broke me all over.

I decided at his funeral that Ruby and I would move in together in Johnston. We found a decent sized home that we both fell in love with. It seemed as though the stars aligned. All of the cards fell perfectly into place and we were able to move in right away.

I pulled up to the cemetery that was only a few minutes away, cutting my thoughts short. I could see a small group of men a few plots over. They seemed to all be crying or speaking quietly to each other. My heart ached for them immensely.

The pain of loss is that which is harder to explain than anything I've experienced in my life. I walked to John's space, looking over the new headstone that had finally been placed.

A lot of people will put quotes on their loved ones' headstones, but I didn't want him to be remembered as just a Photographer, just a loving fiance. John's life was worth so much more than that. I can't believe he is really gone.

I fell to my knees again, laying my head on the cold cement marker and let it all go. This is a normal thing for me since he passed. Sometimes, it felt like I could hear his voice talking to me. Telling me not to be so sad.

But that was impossible. I'm nothing without him and I can feel it. I'll never be the same again. I don't think the happiness will ever return. I may be able to make it through day to day; and I might find a way to smile again, not break down every day - but the person I was died right along with my would-be husband.

You don't just plan forever with someone and move on after they die. I'm angry at the driver who was responsible for John's death. I hate them with every fiber of my being. But regardless of how he died, nothing would change the fact that he's gone. Nothing I do can ever bring him back. And that is what hurts the absolute worst.

Eventually, I calmed down and looked up to see if the small group was still around. I didn't see anyone and for that, I was thankful. I sighed and picked myself up and dusted off my pants.

Checking the time, I had been here for almost an hour. I jogged back to my car and sped off back towards the house to meet Ruby before she got there and worried about me again.

- - -

Later that night, Ruby had gone to bed and I was going through some of my old notebooks where I used to scribble lyrics, love notes, and sometimes John would write back to them or add comments.

Halfway through one of them, I found the first song I'd written for John. Memories spun through my head so fast that I felt light headed reading it. The tears spilled down my face without warning, soaking the page and the desk.

I slid the book to the floor and tried to stay quiet so I didn't wake my best friend.

I may be crippled by my mind / Your silence haunts my head / And they always find me / I may be used to feeling this way / Almost forgot remembering too / Remind me, remind me, remind me / I don't feel hunger, I don't need air / There's blood in my veins because I know you are there / I don't need shelter / Nothing at all / The reason I'm here / Don't you know that you're all of my basic needs

- x -

Ashlin & John