Can I Be Your Favorite?

Chapter 12

Alec's POV

I didn't know he was staring at me and so I hit my head against the wall and sank to my knees in tears. I flinched when he walked over and sat next to me. "I thought you left..." "No..."
"You should..." "I'm staying... I'm sorry if you don't want me to, but I'm not going anywhere..." "Then I will." I started to get up but he pulled me back down. "Alec, please stay..."
I tried to pull back at him at first, soon regretting it when he held onto me and teared up. "Please..." I tried to force myself to relax even though I'm on edge cause I don't want him to cry. "I'm sorry..."  "No it's ok... I just don't understand... Am I the reason you want to go...? Did I do something wrong...?" " I just can't be around people when I'm upset. It's a vulnerability... Weakness. You didn't do anythin-" He cut me off almost immediately. " Being upset isn't a vulnerability... It's humanity..." I had kept my walls high so that he couldn't see me in a state of weakness. I had forced myself to stop crying. "Jax Please-" "I'm not leaving..."
I let out a Shakey sigh, trying to keep my feelings away. " You don't understand..." "What don't I understand?" "You just don't Jax. And I don't want you to... I never expected any of you to." I got up and went to my mirror to fix my make-up and cover up any trace that I was upset.
I watched in the reflection in the mirror as he got up and walked to me. "I want to understand tho...  I want to know what's upsetting you... I want you to be happy..." "Jax. I couldn't explain it if I tried." I grabbed a make up remove wipe and started to remove all the layered on product and then started to reapply it. "Then I want to be here for you... I don't care if I don't understand what you're going through, I just know that I want to be with you through it..." "I've dealt with this alone since my parents left. There's no chance that my walls are coming down about the topic." I had managed to calm down a bit but I stayed really guarded. "But you're not alone anymore..." "On this I am." I started applying my pale foundation and concealer. "Why won't you let me in?" Why would I?
"Because it's not safe." "I don't care." "Stop trying. You're never getting past my walls. I built them too high." " I'm not going to stop trying."
"Well I'm gonna try harder to keep you out. To keep everyone out. And I'll go through any means to do so." Ugh. Did I just say that? I sounded like a nerd... "Then I'll just have to try even harder. " I picked up my eye shadow pallet and glared at him. "I don't think you truly get the lengths I'll go to, to keep these things from everyone." "I don't think you understand how stubborn I am."
He's flattering himself again. "I do. But you clearly don't understand much about me so I won't bother . " "Alec?" I had started putting on my red eyeshadow and he almost made me mess up. "What?" "I mean it when I say I love you. Do you mean it when you say it back?"
Is he serious? Of course I love him. He's my entire world and I couldn't live without him. I had paused trying to figure out if he was serious and apparently he was. "... Of course." "You hesitated..." "So?" "You had to think about it... Does that mean you're not sure?"
" No." I had started to bring my walls down. I was planning on showing him my true self, but he's shown me that it was a bad idea so I put them back up. "Alec I really do love you... I don't think you realize how much... You know that, right?" "I know. I care about you too." "...You don't need makeup you know. You're beautiful without it."
BULLSHIT. Keep your cool Alec... Just lie your way out ... "Nah. It's a form of art. A way of pretending that I don't have feelings except anger. That's why I wear red." I had started with my trademark THICC eyeliner. I heard a slight laugh from him even tho I wasn't sure what was so funny. "You're a poet..." "But it's also true. If I only feel anger, then no one will bother me and I get left alone." "But if you're alone, you won't be with me."
I stand by my statement. "If I'm alone then I won't have to pretend to be... "Happy" "Joyful" "Loving". Take your pick." "Have you ever been genuinely happy? "
No. No I haven't. "Have I tried? Yes. Was I successful? Not really. But I'm used to failure. " "... What if we skipped dinner? We could do something that would make you happy." I swear I couldn't help myself. I let out the most sarcastic laugh you could imagine. Don't look at me like that. I'm not trying to be mean. Just a little... "That's amusing." "Well what usually makes you happy? And please don't say anything involving others pain. "
YOU. You make me happy, you stupid poptart!