Minor Concerns

Chapter Three: Family Pressure

Ah, yes, what many of us have been waiting for.

Not pressure within yourself, within your friends, but within your own blood. That just increases the effects, both negative and positive by tenfold. Now, I'd like to rewind back to a previous statement in the first chapter. The pressure is not indefinitely emotionally demoting. It can push people farther and above others in copious amounts.

First of all, may I just say that my view on family pressure may be a bit biased. Sonny speaking here, and I have quite a few things to say about this topic.

The problem is that your family will definitely be the most judgmental people you will ever meet. Of course, there are a few exceptions but rarely do your relatives never dish out input on your current life. That's because they will always be with you, and your immediate family will most likely know what you do like the back of their hand. Parents, mostly, will study and criticize your every move.

They will shatter your original ambitions and goals into a million intangible pieces, then rebuild on your broken spirit with their own wishes. They will force you into activities and social circles that you have no desire to be a part of. They will rip you apart limb by limb using harsh words without even knowing their effect on you. They will tell give you appellations which you might disagree with first, but then slowly sleep into its dark and untruthful realm.

And you will tell yourself things:

Don't believe it.

They're wrong.

I'm not like that.

Well, maybe I am.

No, I can't be.

No, I can't.

I can't...

I...

I am.

Family pressure will cause your soul to wither away and your motivation to dissolve. Family pressure will lead to self-pressure, which may result in depression and other devastating mental symptoms. Make sure that you don't overthink their words, and stop yourself from agreeing with them. As upsetting as that sounds, you need not worry. It will make you a stronger and unbreakable person as you grow older. You will be able to handle anything anyone throws your way, because nothing will be as heart-stabbing and personal as what your family will tell you. 

 However, you must not detest the relatives that kick you down. You have to remember that hate will get you nowhere, and it might even drag you lower into your existential dread. But here's an important note: If your family is extremely physically or overly mentally abusive, get help. Don't tell yourself to grit your teeth and crawl through this part of your life. It will not work. Experiencing situations such as that will have long-term effects that will cause you to regret not making a simple phone call to law enforcement. 

Keep in mind though, that if your family still cares for you and exhibits signs of affection from time to time, don't toss that away. Talking to a trusted friend and letting out your feelings can have the ability to ease harsh, judgmental words. Don't trap it all in and deal with it yourself.

This is Raileo taking over, and I'd like to issue a disclaimer. If your family hurts you, berates you for what you want to do in your life, for you not meeting the standards they set for you, you have no obligation to remain with them. You have no obligation to hurt yourself by staying there. 

They say no matter what, your family is family, right? They say that no matter how much they hurt you, they love you, right? They say all of this is just 'tough love', right?

So when he walks out of that house and his face is stinging and bleeding from his father's belt and there's a constellation of purple bruises bursting into bloom under his ribs, you would tell him that even though he is bleeding, even though he has been scarred, even though he is broken, he still loves his father? He still loves the person who told him he would be nothing compared to his older brother? His brother, who the whole family adores. His brother, a model student who had received scholarships from across the country. His brother, the only good thing they say about him? You have the audacity to call that love?

So you're saying that he should be like his brother? To grow up as a shadow for a medical student, stalking the darkness in shame, unable to show his face at family gatherings not only because his father had screamed and hit him the night before, but because he truly believes in his family and has labeled himself as a failure? 

No. 

Family was always a complicated thing. For MinorlyConcerned, it's usually a big problem for us, because we never know what we did wrong with them. Was it enough, just to be who we were, pursue what we wanted? The answer was almost always no.

If you have a loving, supporting family that will correctly criticize and help you build up your self-esteem, by all means, give them a call and tell them that you love them. Tell them that you're grateful for the chances they gave you and the reasonable standards they let you grow into. Thank them for all they've done, and next time you see them, let them know how much you appreciated the healthy pressure they gave you. They pushed you to greater heights and they helped you become stronger so that one day you may take to the skies and soar miles above. 

But to those who are like us, and realize that sometimes your family weighs too many false expectations on your shoulders, and you truly can't handle it, you don't have to love someone who put you through the pain. In the end, it boils down to if your relationship with your family is healthy or not. Pressures from them can only be taken into consideration if you're sure they are on your side. I'm praying that for the majority of you, that the answer is yes. That your family loves you truly, and you love them. That you understand that the things they put you through, whether it be extra classes or high expectations are for your own good. If they aren't and you're being hurt by what they expect of you, by all means, you have no obligation to stay there and endure berating. 

A family should support you in what you do, push you towards better things, not drag you down to the abyss and leave you staring up at rock bottom. 

It's okay to have your own ambitions.

It's okay to defy your family's wishes.

It's okay to speak up and stand out. 

It's okay to be you. 

Best wishes, 

MinorlyConcerned