"you know my greatest dream was to be a mother right?" I asked juan, he nodded, I took a sip of my beer, nasa labas kami ngayon ng balcony sa condo ko. Two chairs, beers and pizza, our usual hang out pag may problema kami.
"Did you know that ricci got me pregnant?" I asked him, his breath hitched, para bang tumigil ang mundo ni juan. I smiled,
"no, kalon, I didn't know, I'm sorry." he said, ngumiti lamang ako, still looking at the city lights.
"6th monthsary namin, I started to feel uneasy and unusual stuff, inaasar mo pa ako na tumataba ako diba? nag punta kami sa doctor and it was confirmed that I was pregnant." panimula ko, he looked at me, uminom muna ako sa beer, trying to drown the lump in my throat.
"5 months ako nung 10 monthsary namin, naalala mo nung nakita ko siya tapos nakita kita, tapos you lied for him, kasi nakabuntis din siya ng iba? Yung mama ni win?" I asked him, he nodded.
"a week after that, nakunan ako." my voice was shaky, I had to take a deep breath. This was the first time na sinabi ko kay juan yung nangyari, akala niya dati kaya ako umalis because ricci cheated on me, pero hindi lang iyun yung dahilan.
"Javi and Einica helped me find a new condo after ko malaman na he cheated, pero okay pa ako nun, kasi may baby pa ako eh, hindi ako mag-isa." huminga ako ng malalim, bago nagpatuloy.
"hatid sundo ako ni javi, or minsan si kuya joe pag busy siya, ingat na ingat kami kasi diba may pcos ako, baka mawala yung baby."
"kal, I'm so sorry" hindi ko siya pinansin.
"one day, sakto, a week after umalis ako sa condo namin ni ricci, hindi niya ako sinusuyo, hindi niya ako hinahabol, akala kasi niya maselan yung kay win, naliligo ako nun, javi found me, puro daw dugo, hindi ko na maalala eh, I passed out after I saw blood, tapos nauntog pa ako, javi had to break the door of the bathroom tas nung nadala niya ako sa hospital wala na yung anak ko." I closed my eyes, but that didn't help.
Javi found me, naked, sitting in a pool of my own blood, malabo ang mga pangyayari sa utak ko, but all I remember was him and einica helping me, getting a towel and bringing me to the nearest hospital.
"buo na yung anak ko juan, tao na siya eh, babae yung anak ko." I told him,
"she could've been as pretty and as wonderful as you kal," he said, I smiled sadly.
"I personally think that she looks like ricci" juan smiled.
"I haven't slept peacefully since, pag dating ni ricci sa ospital, dala dala pa niya yung mama ni win, I couldn't get mad at him, mahal ko siya eh. But it made me wonder, paano kaya kung ako yung inalagaan niya? Edi sana magkalaro si win at si maria, javi punched ricci, that I remember, he missed two games diba? Javi was so mad, the angriest he's ever been." I remember that night, javi, my usually quiet, calm, and composed kuya, shouted at ricci, minura niya, tinulak tulak niya, einica not doing anything because she was just as mad.
"ricci kept saying sorry, pero nawalan na ako eh, he should've been there, tatay siya nung anak ko diba? But yet he chose her over me, mas inalagaan niya si iris, mas hands on siya kay iris, eh mas nauna naman ako kung tutuusin diba? After a month, I packed my bags at nagpakalayo layo ako, without ever talking to you"
"im sorry kal."
"Sorry is bullshit juan, it won't make me sleep better at night, it won't help me cure my depression, it won't help me anymore." sabi ko, pero mahinhin ang boses ko,
"namatay naman ang mama ni win while giving birth, do you think that was ricci's karma?" he asked, nagkibit balikat ako, I don't want to be cruel, hindi ako masaya na may namatay.
"he still got win, hindi siya naiwan mag-isa, eh ako? I got nothing, what's the point of living if a part of me is dead?" I asked juan, he sighed, nakatingin kami pareho sa city lights, the traffic of katipunan.
And somehow, this makes us okay.
"Iris was his childhood friend, his first love" habol ni juan, ngumiti ako, I got my answer.
"ikaw naman mahal ko nung una and ricci knew that, pero kailan ba kita pinili over him nung kami na? first love kita but once nagdate kami ni ricci, hindi ka na naging priority sa buhay ko, kasi may boyfriend ako, at kahit gaano kita ka mahal nun, I know what's right and what he deserves." nanlaki ang mata ni juan, hindi niya siguro alam na una ko siyang minahal kay ricci.
"hindi rason na first love niya si iris kaya mas mahal niya yung anak niya sakanya, sabay kami nagbuntis, nauna ako, pero mas focused siya kay iris, he favored her over me, hindi man sinabi ni ricci yun, but it sure felt like that."
"I'm sorry kalon, if I could turn back time, I'll tell you right away na he's cheating on you" juan said, holding my hand
"but we can't turn back time, the same way we can't turn back people."
"be my wave again, ako nalang ulit bestfriend mo, wag na si javi, I'll make it up to you kal."
"let's try again" he hugged me.
Maria, I hope you're proud of me.
BINABASA MO ANG
Charmolypi | Ricci Rivero
Fanfictiona mixed feeling of happiness, while being sad. One such case would be the regret and the repentance we sometimes feel because of past mistakes. However, they simultaneously fill us with the light of forgiveness and make us feel hopeful for the futur...
