Wanting Her(#1)

16

All the reasons not to do this  flooded in Noor's mind, she felt the subtle panic that could grow or fade, depending on what she does next.

She held the door handle as she battled with her inner thoughts. It will fade if I open this door, sprint down the stairs and lock myself in the comfort of my room, but then I have to do this all again another time. She thought.

It will grow if she let these thoughts swirl into a vortex of stupidity, eating their own tail.

She is scared, when those old fears run through her head, when she hears the taunting laughter of years past.

She was helpless , even when the bullies threw punches she wouldn't dare move nor say a word in her defense. Worse when the bullies were lead by her own sister . Once confronted she would cower back the feeling of weakness boiling inside of her. She was a destitute girl who's unable to move a single bone in her body as an act of self defense. Her memories were filled with horrid and monotonous feeling.

She is still helpless and that's what she will do, like every other day, take whatever is tossed at her, digest the insults, then later in the wee hours of the night, ease the heaviness on her heart with good hours of wallowing in self pity and silent cries.

"Noor" Mami bawled as Noor turned to her, she patted the space beside her leg for the girl to sit.

Noor settled on the space she was offered but as though the bed was made of sharp needles that pricks her behind.

On the other hand, Mami watched Noor's nervous demeanor and understood the dilemma the girl has flung her frail heart into, if there's any other way to do this, she would have done it to avoid the awkward encounter.

In the deep recess of her heart, she knows she has failed as a guardian, as a mother and as wife to her husband who had entrusted the girl in her care right from a tender age.

The judas kiss and double crossing of her husband, their father, got the best of her and the innocence girl became the sacrificial goat.There is no excuse nor justification to how outcasted she had countlessly and intentionally made the girl feel.

And today, she intends to wholeheartedly stitch the mendable pieces of the girl's broken and scarred heart that were mostly done by her.

"You are just like her, a chip of the old wood" Mami chuckled lightly. Noor had her gaze downcast and fixed on her slightly trembling hands, tears pool in the corner of her eyes.

"When your father approached me with the desire to marry your mother, my little cocoon  shattered. I loved my husband so much and trusted him even more to not betray me with something like that but with every high expectations there are even more chances of greater disappointments.

I wouldn't beguile you, Noor, but i myself know that i am among the stereotypical women that are known for their jealousy." Mami sighed.

"Even with that reputation, what hurt me the most is that all the promises your father made to me and all my effort to be among the very few women who literally worshipped their husbands, only for it to be washed down the drain like it all meant nothing." She cried and Noor's tears followed suit, drenching her locked hands with tiny drops.

"When your mother came into this house the first time , I didn't have it in me to look at her, not once. Everyone gushed about her beauty, some advised me to up my game because i was no match for fulani goddess with long tresses and pointed nose". She laughed pitifully ,her mind traveling down memory lane.

"Your father and I grew farther apart the longer your mother stayed with us, which was partly my fault because all his apologies, surprise dinner dates and random extravagant gifts were in vain as they fell on deaf ears. But can you blame a woman who feels terrorized in her own home?" The rhetorical question made Noor look at Mami for seconds before her eyes resumed to their center of attention, her hands.