Unrestricted Literature

25

"i want to touch the stars, for they carry our quietest dreams."

I remember what love felt like when I was just 16. The man that wanted me to have his second child. A man so out of my league and perhaps too far out of my age. He flew away the way birds flew through the sky. The sky, no matter how blue could carry the feathers of even the heaviest birds. He left not because he wanted to, but because it was the right thing to do. Though his love was not real for me, I hope my final love can work as hard as he did for me. I remember how he drove several miles to see me. I was just a young 16 year old, but he came for me.

My second love was messy. No one approved of it because everyone knew this boy was up to no good. I still think about that second love like it happened yesterday. The way my hand traced every part of him as he tried to sleep. He was beautiful. The most handsome man I've been with, at least in my opinion. We clashed a lot because his thunder couldn't stand the silence of my lightning. The love felt like yin and yang, everything had to be in equilibrium in order to flourish. He wasn't always like the way he is now. He's gotten a lot stronger, a tad stubborn too. He's gaining more and more hate and less and less friends. He figured out how difficult life is at such a young age. Oh how I envy him. To see the world through his lenses, the sad broken world he grew up in. The women he's been with and how he was able to please them more than he could ever do for me. He feels like the outcast. Has that "I don't need nobody" kind of attitude. I thirst for more of him. To listen to his stories and what he thinks about himself. One day, maybe, our universe will align again and the love that once made no sense will be the only thing keeping all of us sane.

My third love was painful. It was like a time capsule; revisited after once being forgotten. The type of love that dies off after the first month. You lose trust and faith in one another and the toxicity comes in. I kept him because he kept me during one of the worst mistakes of my life. He's seen me at a low and though he didn't treat me well, he was always there. I thank his patience, but not his temper. How I wish my next love would be available too.

My fourth love encapsulated all of my loves past and presents. I felt the stars within me. The quietest dreams pounded in my heart and I could feel my blood running through me again. This love made me feel human. It made me hurt, feel, think. I felt like I was the heaviest cloud in the sky as my feet danced and twirled around the hues of blues and yellows. I felt like the first sunflower to bloom. My heart pounded, yet my lips followed beat. This love gave me hope. It gave me a future to lust after. It brought struggles up front and beat them all one at a time. This love played harmonious songs of the violin. This love made sense. A love we have all had since birth. Self-love as several call it. A love that we often lose more than anything else. How I hate self love. How I never achieved it.