Unrestricted Literature

24

Why must we hurt? Why must we mourn those that we could have grasped? When the deepest hurts are often stumped with twitches upon the lips, why do we lie? When all hope is lost, why do we feel like we hold on? When we all joined together, I felt absent. Like a stranger in my own home. Everyday passed and every minute felt defeaning. I saw the world through small lenses. The hands I was given, through privilege, no longer crafted anything of worth. My heart no longer beat for the ones who say they love me, they love me all the time they say. As I closed my eyes, I could barely speak, my eyes blinking fast and letting everything out, everything my mouth could not utter. Another sleepless night where puddles built up on my once clean and stainless pillow. The urge to end it, to end the happiness and the lost years, the glances, the times where I felt my heart beat again, something so strong in my body pushed me away as much as it pulled me in. Confusion spun me every which way, from Brighton to Manila. I remember those nights when I looked at your eyes, those beady eyes that begged for treats, that begged me to be happy again. The nights when I tried hard to fall into slumber using the tranquilizing liquor and as my fingers grazed the phone keys, I felt a sense of worth. I remember the nights when puddles collected too, though it was different as I always wished for better days. The nights I carry most are the nights of darkness, being consumed in my thoughts and rushing to fall into a quiet slumber. I remember the mornings when I wanted to sleep more, sleep longer, perhaps to never wake up, or to wake up without cold sweat. The mornings turned into nights as quick as light faltered from my once bright eyes. And yet, it was my fault. Yet, hardwork didn't pay off. Because I lied and lied and lied again. When really, no one ever asked. I guess no one had the time to ask. Everyone thought I was just a lost kid, a delinquent, no good, a failure. So fine, I guess. You win too. You win all the lost giggles. You win those late night talks with loved ones. You win the smell of cookies after a long, difficult day. You win the smiles. You win it all. If that's what you wanted