Unrestricted Literature

26

Why am I always the bad guy?

Mom. There were a lot of things I lied about, if i laid them out for you it could circle around the Earth. You say I'm a liar, yet you never asked why I would lie. It was always out of fear and of course I never wanted to take responsibility for my actions, but there's so much more to it than that. You can pick out 500 things about what is wrong with me, why I'm the delinquent, why I'm acting out or being foolish. Yet you never once looked at yourself. Not as a person, not even as a mother. For several years I never had parents. I only had Ate which I always thought was more than enough for me, yet she should NOT have been the parent. You have lied to me, manipulated me, talked about me behind my back. You have done so much to break me and you will never see it because I will never bring any of it to you. When Ate was suicidal, you brought her the knife and told her to kill herself. You don't think I remember that? How traumatizing it was for me to become depressed because I didn't want the same thing to happen to me? I have done chores upon chores to try to make you happy, I've tried to welcome all of your guests around the house no matter how much I wanted to hide in my room all day, I hid all my sorrows from you because I knew you couldn't be there when I needed you most. And it's not all your fault, I had a lot of things I could have done. I know you've struggled more than enough to provide, as any parent should. I lived a very privileged life. I had the newest iPhone and you always got me my favorite toys and art supplies. But I don't think I can recall a time when objects have made me happier than simply watching a movie with you or having breakfast with you. I always looked forward to waking up and making us breakfast no matter how tired I was from the night before. I talked so highly of you to my friends even if you weren't like their mothers who attended their games or even their 8th grade graduation. It wasn't all your fault. Renato wasn't the best Dad, but he was there when I was sick or when I got bullied. He took me out and tried his best to really understand the root of what was wrong with me. We grew closer together and that was stripped away from me. I regret not being able to reconnect with him sooner, but I cherish every moment we have. We are all fucked up in our own ways. I wish I wasn't always the one that had something wrong with me. Yes I may be a sex addict, and yes it may have been because of Sergio. Am I broken? Extremely. But at least I'm self aware of it and I try everyday to improve myself. I'm trying to understand myself and how to prevent myself from falling into such a deep depression again. I wish you trusted me, but I don't blame you due to all the times I've lied. I wish I didn't lie. I don't lie anymore really except for the occasional white lies to help boost self esteem. In that house, I have always been the other one. The one that was too depressed to hang out. The one that had a history of faults. The one where no matter how many times I achieved a score, I never felt enough. I would get so anxious about school work that it would all pile up and I ended up not doing it. School was and is difficult because I never felt smart enough or motivated enough to do well on the basics like Algebra. I second guess myself more than I should even though I can usually get the answers right on the first try. I have lost so much energy because I've felt like everyone was against me. I was always doing something wrong and rarely praised for the really really good things. And after awhile, even if I was praised, it didn't mean anything to me anymore. For 18 years I lived in hate and fear. What's unfortunate is that I started to really get closer to God the same time you all said I strayed from Him. I should have held on, but you all underestimated me. I was a stranger in your own home because I didn't know what to talk about anymore. It was clear that I was in an abusive relationship with Semyon and yet I covered it up in sex and forgave him every time he made a false apology. I felt myself spiraling down, but I was on a fake high because at least someone saw me for once. At least someone was there for me when I needed them. I stripped myself away from Ate because I don't think she accepted the person I grew up into. Life felt so fast and I could never keep up. Every morning felt like Hell and every night was filled with lingering thoughts or endless tears until I eventually drifted to agonizing hours of sleep. I isolated myself because I always felt alone in my own house. Mochi helped a lot, but I stopped being a good master to her due to my mental health. There were several nights where I wished to die, not by my hand, but maybe by someone who had as much hatred as I had in my heart. I still don't feel enough for you and I don't think I ever will. You think it's ADHD when in reality, I can't stop fucking thinking about being home. How fearful I was that the same thing would happen again. I tried to get back with Semyon because it was what was familiar to me. Luckily that ended very very quickly and I met someone so wonderful that I didn't know a relationship so healthy could ever exist. He makes me feel so wonderful and he is so respectful to me, not just to my body, but to me. I found someone who actually wants to get to know me instead of get to know what's under my shirt. I became closer to my friend Jade who got accepted into Mines (yeah I'm still not happy about that haha people from there are WEIRD) and she has never given me a reason to cry or even just be hurt. She listens to me and respects me too and we don't have to talk everyday because that would be suffocating. I started doing the violin (not the best at finding time to practice), but I am slowly getting more and more inspired to focus on it. I have never felt more at peace with myself than I have at the Arnolds. It was truly a blessing to be staying there even for less than a year. I have never met such a wise man like Greg and I have never met such a kind and emotional Mom like Kyra. Their bond is truly unbreakable and I hope to one day be in a strong relationship like theirs.

I guess what angered me the most about my family is how much you guys talked about being Christians. God tells us to love one another, yet we were all quick to judge. You can recite verses after verses, yet you can't love your own child enough to look at yourself for once and see where you have gone wrong. You deserve to be loved Mommy. You are not your parents and will never be like them. You need to learn to be healthy to yourself too. I enjoyed our time together when you weren't at work because I saw a completely different side of you. You are more than capable to be the parent that I need and want. Because I already want you even if I have been hurt a lot. You made the best meals and you taught me a lot in the kitchen and it was always fun cooking with you. I loved watching Queer Eye with you and laughing at the Jesus dude. I loved every time you came home with a small gift from TJ MAXX or Ross bc it made you think of me. It was those little things that I remember you for the most. I learned how to sacrifice from you which is why I was in pretty bad relationships haha! But that wasn't your fault, my idea of sacrifice was fucked by the media. I hated it when you were sad, but I appreciated your willingness to open up to us. That made me feel important and I wanted to do everything in order to keep you from crying again. I'm sorry I wasn't always the best at being your daughter, but know that I knew how to love on others even if they were undeserving. Sometimes, I wish I never left, but I wouldn't have been able to see myself the way I see myself now. I can finally look in the mirror and say that I'm worthy of respect and real love. I can finally stand up for myself even if I'm feeling too weak. I can finally see a future that isn't full of suffering and sin. I talk to God more even if I don't do it everyday. He has truly been by my side this entire time and I couldn't thank him more for bringing the people he brought to me. I only ever cry because I miss home. I miss seeing you come home and greeting you even if I could see your stress. You are the most beautiful woman in my life and when you're happy, it flows through me the way music does. Ate has always been my biggest protector and my best friend. She always tried her best to raise me up even if it came out kind of mean haha! She believed in me especially during my times of great doubt. I miss Dad and how he mans-plains certain things to me and I listen haha! He knew to hug me during that time of deep hurt due to my bully and he has been the best father figure for me. My favorite memory is actually ice skating with him and being able to talk to him about stupid things like my first kiss haha! I miss coming home to Kuya who always checked up on me and asked me to make the rice. I really saw him as a little brother and I cherish him soo so much. I cried about him the most when I left. I know how hard it was when Tyrone left and I basically did the same thing. One day I will forgive myself for not saying good bye. I miss Mochi and how ecstatic she was to see me no matter how bad my days were at school. I had a lot of moments with her where I felt at peace. She was the best thing to happen to me as she taught me to be more responsible even if I failed at it most times. I miss taking care of her when she was sick and yelling at her for not peeing outside even though it was my fault for waking up late. She deserved a better master and I'm glad she was in Ate's hands during my absence. Mochi was there to see the ugliest days and the happiest days. She saw me cry due to mundane things and she still never left my side. She was what I needed though I didn't do a good job of showing her. I also miss my other father. Renato. He wasn't the best for anyone, but he and I were the closest. He and I shared several tears together even up to now haha! I'm so grateful for all the times we have together. I miss being there, but I don't miss the person I was when I lived there. I'm pretty proud of myself now. I am still trying to balance everything especially school, but I'm taking a bit of a break from overachieving too much due to the stress. I want to feel independent and have more freedoms. I feel as though I'm in a better place and will in turn make better decisions. My love for you guys has never left me no matter how angry I was. I hope we can all feel better and that our relationships can thrive. I hope to have more time to talk to you and update you on how school is going or how Xander keeps being stupid ahahahaha! I can't wait to share my achievements with you, even if they were more mental achievements than actual achievements. I can't wait to tell you my many experiences of not being able to eat rice everyday and cleaning up after like 3 boys on the daily. I can't wait to show you my artwork and how surprised I am at how good it turned out. I can't wait to be with you guys again and to grow with you all. I honestly don't even want to go to college because I don't want to leave any of you, but I know I'll have to. I can't wait to learn how to drive no matter how anxious it makes me. I can't wait to have sleepovers and show you all the wonderful friends I've made and kept. I can't wait to go to prom with Xander or even just on simple impromptu dates. I can't wait to show you all the person I am proud of becoming and will continue to grow into day after day