Duality

< T W E L V E >

© Amber Kalkes 2014

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"Only Happy When It Rains" By Garbage

< T W E L V E >

Okay, so let me explain that whole ‘no ones ever said that to me before’ thing. It’s really a half-truth. I should have said no one has ever said that and I believed him or her. My mom may have said it when I was a kid but I don’t remember it and after she married Trent she never definitely never said it. Keith said it but only when he was apologizing for beating the shit out of me. In fact the first time Keith ever said it he was crying and apologizing for smacking me the first time, his reasoning being that he loved me just so much.

What a crock of shit.

Grandpa Mendoza was a quiet kind of guy and my father was dead before he could even lay a eye on me so he wasn’t going to be saying much of anything. My cousin was the only one who actually seemed to care about me outwardly but he never really said ‘I love you’ verbally, just in the way he handled me. He treated me like a little sister and I looked up to him like a big brother.

So, okay maybe that statement was a bit…dramatic but it feels true.

“What?” Jack asks hoarsely making me wince.

“Nothing. It was a dramatic on my part. Just forget I said it.”

He shakes his head, his eyes hardening, “No, I want you to explain to me what the fuck that means.”

“Don’t fucking start that shit.” I snap trying and failing to push him off me. Gritting my teeth I try to push him off me, “Get off!”

“No. Tell me what you meant.”

“I didn’t mean anything, Jack. Jesus, just let it go.”

“No.”

“Fuck!” I yell falling back at the couch but not softening my glare at him, “What do you want me to say? That my mother doesn’t give a shit about my wellbeing as long as it fits into her idea of what I should be doing? Do you want to hear about how my father was killed in a freak accident when my mom was pregnant with me? Do you want to hear about how the only men I ever have been in romantic relationships with have ever hit me? Is that what you want to hear about Jack? Because let me tell you right now that it’ll do you just as much good as it’s done me. That shits over and done! I don’t let it eat at me because it doesn’t fucking matter!”

Jack looks at me for a long minute before he lays his forehead against mine, closing his intense eyes. I don’t know I started to tear up during my little speech but I feel the tears slide from my eyes and down the sides of my face to wet the leather fabric of the couch below me. Jack’s callused thumb sweeps across the area drying my tears before laying a soft kiss on the tip of my nose.

“I love you, Wren.” He tells me quietly. “I love you because you’re strong. Your so goddamn strong and I can’t even imagine how you can be with all the shit that’s happened to you.”

“Life’s hard.” I shrug with a sniffle, “Adapt or die as they say.”

“Yeah but we all have our limits. I know you can take a lot but I want you to let me take some of this on too. I can’t be a good mate to you if you shut me out. I need you to let me in. Can you do that? Can you let me in?”

“What is this Dr. Phil?” I mumble, completely uncomfortable with this whole touchy feely moment we’re having.

Jack chuckles a little before caressing my cheek making me shiver a bit as my skin prickles with that feeling again. “Your not into sharing feeling with others are you?”