Under the Shadow of the Moon

Chapter 49

Lloyd screamed, his hands shaking without pause. He grasped for anything, grabbing his pillow and pressing it against his chest. He scratched at his knees, pulling them against his chest and tearing at the pillow. He felt tears and cold sweat against his skin, the tears falling to the pillow. Lily's eyes shot open at the sound of the scream, and she rubbed them quickly, sitting up in her sleeping bag.

"Lloyd, Lloyd, are you ok?" She stood up quickly and walked over to him, stepping around the others as they stirred, her socks softly padding against the floor.

They were pretty far in the Training Room, trying to get comfortable in their sleeping bags on the foam floor. Sylvia shot them an annoyed look as she flipped in her bag and tried to fall back asleep. Luna rubbed her eyes, propping herself up on an elbow.

Lloyd took in shuddering breaths, turning to look at Lily, not seeming to see anything else but her. His eyes were wide and frazzled, still leaking tears.

Lily knelt down beside him, placing her hands on his cheeks. "Just breathe... it's okay..." she whispered gently, running her fingers through his hair and kissing his nose.

"I was so scared..." his voice shook, cracking just above a whisper in a few places. "Something had happened to you... and I wasn't there to help. I couldn't... I couldn't do anything..." his hands gripped his hair as he tore his gaze from hers.

Her voice broke when she began to speak, her own tears running over her cheekbone. "Lloyd... it's all okay. We're both safe. You're here, with me. Luna is here. Your friends are here. We're all safe." He slowly lifted his eyes to meet hers. Lily's expression dropped further. He looked so tired, so broken. Heavy bags under his eyes and sunken in cheeks dulled his brown eyes. Lily let out a small sob. "Lloyd..." she cupped his cheek, resting her forehead against his. "Lloyd, are you okay? You have been sleeping, right?"

She felt him shake his head against her hands. "I can't sleep. All I see are these nightmares. I just watch myself lose you every night, and... I can't lose you. You're my world, Lily. It doesn't exist without you."

"Oh Lloyd... you—"

He cut her off, wrapping his arms around her and squeezing her against him. "Lily, I love you, I don't want to lose you..." she felt his tears soaking the back of her sleeve.

She rubbed his back, trying to suppress her own tears. "Lloyd, you are everything I have left. Everything. You will never lose me. I will stay by your side forever."

He pulled back to look her in the eyes. The endless blue of her eyes glinted in the dark. A smile broke across his face. "I love you, Lily."

"I love you too, Lloyd." She wiped his tears off his cheeks, her gaze catching on a small scar just under his eye, hidden beneath his freckles. She ran her finger across it, lifting her eyes back to his.

"When did you get this?"

"Oh, uh, the last fight with Elijah. I wasn't paying enough attention and he managed to..." He trailed off, getting lost in her eyes. "I'm okay, I promise." He held her hand, pressing it against his cheek. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. "I'll be better when this war is over."

He sighed. "When this war is over, we'll have our whole lives ahead of us. Our whole lives." He brushed a lock of her golden hair out of her face.

She smiled, leaning into his touch. "Let me get you some water."

"I'll be outside, I need some air."

"Okay," she whispered in response.

As Lloyd stepped outside, he looked out at the indigo sky just after the sunset. He screamed into the dark, throwing the gun off the side of the cliff, the bone in his arm clicking from the strain. It splashed into the water far below and washed up onto the bank. He watched it with a spiteful expression.

He cried out again, tugging at his hair and stepping up to the ledge himself. Just one step. Just one step. All the pain could end with just one step... He put one foot over the edge, staring out at the stars in front of him.

"Lloyd!" Lily cried out, snapping him out of his daze. She grabbed his hands, forcing him away from the ledge, the paper cup spilling at her feet. He almost hadn't noticed what he was about to do.

His eyes were glazed over, and he was staring above her head. She gripped his jaw, forcing him to look at her. She looked distraught, and her hands were shaking violently as she grasped at him, his shirt, his cheeks, his chin.

She took a ragged breath to calm herself down. She swallowed down the lump in her throat and let out a shaky breath, drawing her hands back to rest on his shoulders. "Lloyd—" Her voice broke.

Something seemed to snap inside of him. He looked deep into her blue eyes, and he felt as though he could physically see the fissure marks of her broken soul. "Lily, Lily, I'm so sorry. I-I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again, I promise I won't—"

"Lloyd?" Luna's shaky voice came from the mouth of the cave. "Lily, what's going on? Is he okay? What happened?"

His knees gave out at the sound of his sister's voice, and he slumped against Lily, heaving sobs shaking through his as he clamped her shoulders between his body and his arms.

"Luna, please help, I don't know what to do," Lily said, her voice strained as she struggled to keep Lloyd upright.

Luna's worried expression brought out the black circles under her eyes and made her eyes look dark. "What happened?"

"He... he..."

There was a pause as Lloyd righted himself, his breath heaving and shallow. Lily's grip on him tightened. "Lloyd..." her voice was barely a whisper.

"I'm fine, I promise," Lloyd said, shrugging Lily's hands off of his shoulders and pushing past her. "I'm fine."

Lily looked as though he had hit her. "Lloyd..." her voice cracked. "Lloyd please. I want to help you."

He ignored her, passing Luna and stepping back behind the water.

"Lily, what happened?" Luna's tone was frantic.

Lily walked over to her, throwing her arms over her shoulders. Luna wrapped her arms around her back. "He... he was standing on the ledge... I could tell something was wrong... I heard his scream when he woke up, and I followed him out here and he... Luna, he was going to jump."

Luna froze, a chill sliding down her spine and her fingers going numb. "What?" she whispered almost to herself.

Lily rushed back inside with Luna right behind her. She sped over to the Training Room where Lloyd was leaning against the wall with a paper cup of water. Drops were dripping out of the cup as his hand shook overwhelmingly, the other hand tearing at his hair as his fingers ran through it.

Lily snatched his hands, the cup dropping to the floor. There was a moment of silence as they both just stared at the other.

"Lloyd, I have been through a lot of things in my life, but there was nothing more terrifying than seeing you up on that ledge." She took a shaking breath as she stared at his unfocused eyes. "Promise me, promise me, that if things ever get that bad again, you'll talk to me about it. That you'll let me help you." She held his wrists in a death grip. "Promise me, Lloyd."

He tilted his head, his eyes focusing on her. The endless blue let him see how broken she was; her cheeks were tearstained and more tears were falling. He nodded, his hands still shaking in her grip. "I'm so sorry Lily, I don't know what came over me. I promise you it won't happen again. I promise you I'll talk to you more about what I'm feeling. I promise. Lily, I promise."

She nodded slowly. "Please don't do that to me again," she whispered. "I can't bear the thought of losing you..." she let his hands slip out of hers and cup her face, his pinky brushing over her jawline.

"I won't, I promise."

She pressed her lips against his, slipping her arms around his neck as his pulled her closer by the waist.