Under the Shadow of the Moon

Chapter 42

Luna needed to clear her head, so she set out for a walk beneath the silver light. She couldn't bear to go down to the waterfall like she used to, a lifetime of memories tying the place to the source of her misery. She wandered around the park instead, watching the very last of the thick clouds disappear and the stars come to life against the indigo sky. She sighed. It had been a while since she had stopped to just stare at the stars. Each star twinkled at a random moment, the moon almost full and glowing bright.

She wandered around for a bit, passing by the spot Lloyd and Lily had their date. She felt more alone in that moment than she ever had before. The person closest to her, her twin brother, had replaced her with another girl. The person she had grown the closest to since the population divide, Razaia, had replaced her with a boy. And Harper was in love. Luna could see it in her eyes. She just didn't know who Harper had fallen for. Sylvia was the only person Luna felt fully understood the situation, the only person she felt like she could trust anymore, but she had walked out too. And Trae. Her heart burned. He didn't even know what was going on.

She let out a deep breath as she reached the lake. The stars looked brighter than they ever had before reflected across the water. In that moment, she felt powerless and defeated. Dejection spread through her like a flame. Her heart started pounding, nerves swelling up inside of her. Nerves about the war, about losing her friends—her family. Nerves about people discovering her identity, about finding her, finding the others. Nerves about going back to school, about the outcome of the war, the bloodshed. But at that moment, the only thing she really felt nervous about was if she would ever find love again. Love, the way she had felt when all her friends were together. When she was surrounded by the people she cared about the most. The people she loved the most. The people she would die for. The people she would die for. Now she was alone, and the others were happy. That should have been enough for her. Their happiness. But she longed to be happy too. She hadn't stopped crying since she left Base Camp.

She realized she had sat down on the bank of the lake, the water perfectly still and the park practically empty. It was early for the Night-Timers and too late for the Day-Timers. Now it was just her and the mirror-like lake.

Water had always soothed her. Before it had always been the rushing water of the waterfall, but now it was the still water of the midnight lake.

Staring at her own reflection, she felt safe, like there was someone who was still by her side. Seeing herself, she thought of all the responsibility on her shoulders. Everything she was still needed for. The world would manage without her, she thought. It didn't really need her. Her friends would be better off without her anyway, and the army could handle everything pertaining to the war. Her mother still had Lloyd, and Lloyd had Lily. Trae had Harper and anyone else he wanted. They all had someone, all had each other, and Luna had no one. And now in a way, it was like she never had anyone.

She was slipping away, each breath she took filled with more guilt than the last. Those were breaths someone else could have taken. She knew she was broken, and no one else really knew. The tears on her cheeks seemed to be endless, falling and falling without pause, her body shaking and the only thing keeping her tethered to the world was her own cracked reflection. It would be so much easier if she were gone.

She replayed the events of the last hour in her head again. Was it really her friends, or was it her? Who really abandoned who? It was all on her and she knew it. She shouldn't have told Cleo they would fight. She shouldn't have agreed for everyone. She was the one who dragged them all into this, and now she was paying the price. Her shoulders shook, and she buried her head in her arms which were resting on top of her knees, tearing her gaze away from the water and her reflection in it. She pulled herself into an even tighter ball of dejection and regret, wishing she could go back to a simpler time. She felt a few raindrops against her skin.

The world was still for a moment as the rain picked up, soaking her to the bone.

"Luna!" Trae ran towards her, almost slipping in the rain and dropped to his knees at her side. "Luna are you okay?" His voice was frantic as he clutched her arms, shaking her until the glaze left her eyes. "Luna! Luna what's going on? God you look horrible, what the hell happened?" He grasped her face between his hands, trying to see her eyes. He was brushing her hair out of her face, desperate to get a look at her eyes.

She looked up slowly, her broken gaze meeting his and he felt his heart shatter. She was always so confident, albeit lost in her own head, but he had never seen her quite so... hopeless. Yes, that was the right word. The bright and happy girl he had loved for years looked hopeless.

Her hair stuck to her face in wet and greasy strings, clinging to her back and arms. Her eyes were wide with fear, a betrayal woven through them that made his heart stop.

"Luna, what happened? Who did this to you?" His hazel-green eyes were soft and inviting, starting to brim with tears. Luna longed to tell him everything, but she knew she couldn't. She wanted to say something, but she couldn't bring herself to open her mouth. She let out a whimper instead.

She shifted away from his touch, almost losing her balance and taking a swim in the lake. Trae caught her arm, steadying her.

"Thanks..." she breathed, turning her gaze back to the water.

He sat down next to her, throwing an arm around her shoulders and pulling her against him. "Luna, please... what's going on? I've never seen you like this before, I..."

Luna took a deep breath, taking in all the scents around her. The water, the grass, the trees, the air, the rain, and the way that Trae seemed to smell like life itself.

"Luna, please. You know you can always talk to me," his face was wrinkled in worry.

She couldn't stand seeing him like that, and a second wave of sobs hit her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, crying into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her ribs, running his hand down her back in an attempt to console her.

Luna lifted her head, staring back out at the water, her arms tightening around him. She wondered what it would be like to live under the ripples. Calm and peaceful, unaffected by faulty friendships or irrelevant wars... she wondered what would happen if she just threw herself in... Would she scream? Would she surface? Would Trae pull her out? Would he care?

A pair of concerned eyes and raised eyebrows pulled her from her thoughts. She was drowning, but not in the water as she had fantasized, but in Trae's eyes. She saw her own reflection in them, the broken unfortunate form that was left of her. She saw his worry, and his tears, and the way he looked at her. "Luna..."

"Trae, I'm so sorry," She sobbed, burying her head against his shoulder again. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Luna, Luna it's okay," he pressed her closer to his chest, placing a hand on the back of her head. "Just tell me what happened."

"I-I..." she paused, sucking in a few breaths and letting him go. He shifted so that she was resting her back against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her waist. "They just left..." she whispered.

"Who, Luna? Who do I need to talk to?"

"The others..." she responded under her breath.

"Did something happen to Lloyd? Is it Harper? Your mom? Luna..." He pressed a kiss to her cheek, tightening his grip around her. She stiffened. A silence lingered between them for a moment. "Don't worry about it, I'm here to listen when you're ready to talk."

She stared off into the water which mocked her in return, showing her the broken form of a girl who had lost the safety and security of childhood. She fought the urge to look him in the eyes, eyes that reminded her of a beacon to safety. Eyes that were her beacon to safety. Eyes she would do anything to stare into until the end of her days. Days she knew were numbered.

"Please don't leave me alone," she whispered, her head leaning against his shoulder.

"I will never leave you. Never," He responded, pressing his face against hers.

"Do you promise?" Her voice broke.

His grip on her waist tightened again. "Luna, I swear it on my life. I will never, ever leave you. I will always, always, be here for you."

I love you, she wanted to say. I love you and I don't want this moment to end.