Overlap

Van

"I don't want to be," she said, eyes pooling in turmoil and some kind of sorry cry for help when she looked up at me in the dark.

"I don't want to be,"

Thats what she had said, and I really did believe she had meant it at the time.

Still it made no difference because she didn't come on tour with us and it didn't take her long to return to him.

When we came back from tour two months later she was gone and there was that John Cale record and a little note saying sorry, a bottle of red on the counter for John. She said thank you, I love you, you haven't lost me, I'm only round the corner.

But round the corner was an hour and a half across the city and the look in Johns eyes told me everything I needed to know.

He had lost her.
Thats how he felt anyway.

"I know her address," i said, "we could just go round and get her..." i said, but he shook his head sinking down to the kitchen floor. Back against the cupboards.

Me and Larry were just sort of left to look around the place. Clear up any remnants she might have left, but she hadn't really left a thing.

"It doesn't work like that lads," he sighed, "you have to let her come to you, its always the same, if yous try and force her she gets defensive,"

"So we canna just call the police on him then?" asked Larry sticking the kettle on, making three mugs of tea, stepping around and over me and Bondy, both of whom were too much in thought, trying to get our heads around Ninas latest move, to realise he had finished and was waiting for us to take them off his hands.

"No me dad did that to him once, they were havin a dead bad argument so he called the police on em and she didn't talk to him for about a month straight.."

"Shit..." i breathed unable to believe the sweet girl I'd met could have ever had that kind of temper.

"It wasn't her I dont think, I think she probably really wanted our dad then like, but its not about what you want when youre in that situation, its about not gettin hurt int it..."

"Exactly, if hes hurtin her he could go to prison surely..." started Larry but Bondy cut him off again.

"Not that simple Lau, you've gotta prove it and most of its psychological with him I reckon... See," he chuckled, one of those sad despairing chuckles, "Im the one she tells the most too and even I don't fuckin know whats goin on..."

"He broke her wrist at Reading," i said then, quiet, low, only shocking Larry. "she begged me not to tell yous he wasn't with us in that medical tent..."

"Yeah," smirked John, "I know..." he breathed, "its nice though," he yawned then, pushing himself up, gathering her things into a box for her, "she must really trust yous to have told you that mate," he said, "shame you're not a bit more of a nasty bastard," he winked then, his sudden smiling and joking unnerving me momentsrily, "if you were youd be just her type,"

His joke left me a little uneasy though I understood why he'd made it.

Bondy was an emotional, sentimental man, with all the discomforts which come with being an emotional, sentimental man. That is to say he felt things deeply but didn't know how to let it out. Didn't know how to let himself feel things.

Got it all out in jokes and stupid nonsensical phrases. Got it all out by beinga dickhead.

"Mate," I smirked as he walked past me to put her stuff in his room, "don't ask me to bully your sister," i tried to grin along with him, tried to laugh when he called back over his shoulder.

"Not bully Van!" he shouted, "just write her a song or somet, sweet talk your way into her pants or somet!" he shouted back leaving me and Larry both biting back laughter, my cheeks burning a little until he came back, poked his head round the door seconds later a little red cheeked himself.

"Sorry mate i dont know where that came from, please don't... Please dont shag me little sister?" he winced drawing a loud laugh from larry and a sheepish grin from me.

"Yeah, uh..." i coughed out, "dont worry mate i wasnt thinkin about it..." i started struggling with my words because I was telling him the truth.

It may have crossed my mind how completely gorgeous she looked all the time but it wasn't "shagging," her that I was so completely preoccupied with when she was around. More just touching her, kissing her, holding her close to me. Showing her what real love feels like. Falling at her feet with all the love and affection I'd been saving up just for her, for years.

Because in truth, whenever I contemplated all the girls I'd turned down over the years, all the girls I hadn't, it had always been Nina on my mind in the moment. I'd always been holding out hope that one day she might give me the opportunity to loe her, to make her feel loved.

Still, she never did and when me and Bondy went around in the car to drop off her things we found an empty house and a to let sign and I felt myself overwhelmed with nausea as he slammed his head against the steering wheel and let out a chain of profanities I could have mirrored ten times.

She was gone. This time she really was just gone.