Overlap

Van

🌦️February 2020🌼

Im too tired to drive anywhere anyway right now do you care if i stay?
You can put on your bathing suits and I'll try to find something in this world that means nothing...

We sat side by side in an early afternoon surgery waiting room. Just me and Nina, shoulder to shoulder, sharing my earphones, listening to Lemonworld, hardly speaking.

Scared to say anything in case we missed her name getting called, flashing up with a beep on the screen.

We had a couple days off from touring and I was glad. Glad because it would have looked pretty suspect to the rest of the lads had I disappeared unannounced, without a word or hint at where I might be. And I would have done, I'd have dropped touring and missed a gig or two to be at that appointment with her that afternoon.

I would have dropped anything just the way I'd promised her if it meant that I could be by her side that afternoon because I knew how much it terrified her.

She still hadn't told anyone else. If I hadn't been with her she'd have been alone and just thinking of her, pale faced, on the brink of tears in a hospital waiting room, terrified out her mind, chewing her cheek, going through this alone, made me feel physically sick.

My eyes flitted between her and my lap, watching me knees, only brave enough to see her wide eyes, stiff shoulders, struggling to breath, for a moment or two at a time.

I didnt want it to be like this.

I didn't want her to feel like she had to sit like that. Straight back, staring straight ahead.

I didn't like it. She looked uncomfortable.

But I knew she wouldn't lean on me, I'd tried that already. Put my arm around the back of her chair and sat as lazy, as calm as I could. As if we were sitting waiting for a train. Not an abortion.

You and your sister live in a lemonworld i wanna sit in and die..

I mouthed the words along, trying to concentrate on breathing gently. Trying to concentrate on being relaxed for her.

But her nerves messed with mine.
Seeing her hurting the way that she was hurt me too. Made me ache to put her out of her misery, desperate to comfort her. I wanted to hold onto her, pull her into my side and squeeze her in close. A reassuring head resting on her shoulder.

But i was nervous to touch her, nervous to be with her the way that I wanted to because I knew how much she hated pity and right now she looked more fragile than I had ever seen her before.

Still, I couldn't leave her sitting there on her own so, as I leant forward and let out a sigh, elbows resting on my knees i took her hand in mine and let it rest under my chin.

My hair fell in my face as I tilted my head to her, seeing her almost upsidedown, offering her a little smile when she turned to me, snapped out of the daze she had been trapped in. The thoughts she'd been lost in. That had been holding her captive for twenty minutes since we had first arrived and sat down.

Me trying to play it off as nothing. Her sitting there like a statue, despairing in silence.

She returned my smile with a little smile of her own.

She was pale white, she looked nauseous. I couldn't stand it any longer but I didn't know what to say to take the strain off her.

"What you thinkin love?"

She had a lot to think about.

"I..." she trailed off, bit her lip, let it linger there between her teeth. Stealing my breath because I shouldn't have thought she was as beautiful as I did in that moment.