Overlap

Van

🌿July🍀

"I know I say this all the time but..."

"Fuck the tories," I grumbled finishing Bondys sentence for him, knowing what he was going to say as he sat with his head in his hands riddled with despair.

His brother had called, it was 2pm, we had an interview scheduled for half an hours time, she was bloody miles away, somewhere in a hospital in Newcastle, giving birth on her own.

We couldnt even really blame lockdown for not being there, we were in London for work, most places were opening back up again, and no one would stop us driving up north to see her. But work would.

I'd tried to tell Johnny a million times already to just go but he couldn't, we both knew that really. He was stuck here with the rest of us and though Bob and Benji and Larry were trying their best to pacify the two of us, nothing was really working because nothing could change the facts.

We were putting work first. She was giving birth and we wouldn't be there because we were putting work first.

It was a cruel reminder to both of us, a bitter pill to swallow. This was the life we'd signed up to and this was the way it would be for us for awhile yet. We were the kind of lads who wanted to drop everything for the people we loved, to be there with them when they needed us, but our lifestyle wouldn't allow it.

And today we were stuck in an office in the capital when we should have been waiting in a car outside the hospital for Nina and the baby.

Bondy was being his usual self, trying to humour his self loathing of the moment by turning it on the government. Blaming the lockdown, focusing on the fact that hospitals had imposed the 1 person rule for women in labour. But we both knew that wasn't the reason we couldn't be with her.

"Bond mate I can do the interview alone, drive up there for christ sake..."

"I canny though can a they want us both doing the interview, that fucking stupid vondy magic..." he rolled his eyes, a bitterness which didn't often surface in him, surfacing now.

He gripped his hair in his fist and closed his eyes, he was overwhelmed by it, the desperation which was paralysing me too.

But I couldn't move, I was heavy with it. This relentless all consuming depression. Knowing I was holding him back, knowing I was letting her down.

I should have been there by her side, I should have been the one holding her hand. It should have been one of those strange moments where our lives overlapped at just the right minute. But no.

Today we were as far from one another as we could be and there was no chance of that.

"Bond just go for fuck sake who cares about one bloody interview!" I snapped, not meaning to snap at him. I wasn't really frustrated with him, I was frustrated with myself and I was pissed off with our managers for pressuring us into agreeing to travel so soon, for getting us to agree to start working so quickly. Though at the time the mention of work had felt like a godsend. We'd all been going crazy for lack of things to do, especially me, especially once I'd left eponine at her parents house. I'd been desperate for distractions after leaving her behind.

But now I was full of regret. Sick with it, sick with worry, with second thoughts, with doubts and disappointment in myself. Sick with frustration.

"Get t fuck Van," Bondy cracked a laugh though I could hear the despair, hear the irritation still lingering, curdling in his voice, "give over mate we'll do the interview an then we'll drive straight up there, we canny be there with her anyway what's an hour gan do really..."