I Think I Love You

Chapter 12: Mia

Chapter 12: Mia

The school day went its course, and everything is starting to fall into routine. Well, as routine as it could get. Media vans still park out on the roads, people commemorate the lives lost, and it always feels like we're under inspection. I hate to call this normal because it's far from it but it's what we've been living through that you almost become numb to it. At least that's how I feel. Instead of chemistry class with Mrs. O'Neil, The afternoon was spent with presentations from guests who came in to talk about safety in the classroom. You can tell that Mr. Donald is really trying to provide the best emergency preparation for students and staff. Just in case.

"Your safety is our number one priority at East River High", I remember him iterating while Gwen scoffs and mutters words under her breath. She's being careful not to start a scene like last time after getting a warning. She quoted Mr. Donald saying, 'this is a very sensitive time for our school'. She's still pushing for the march and trying to get Mr. Donald on board is proving to be difficult with all the politics involved.

"All this is just talk. We need to do more than just talk." Gwen whispers and eyerolls into another dimension. The process is moving much slower than Gwen would like and I can tell she's starting to get a bit restless.

"You talked to Mrs. Walker right? Was she able to get through to him?"

She gives a sigh, "She said we have to let Mr. Donald do his thing 'cause he's getting bombarded by the school board and parents. But she's definitely on our side. I'll talk to her when I see her in class".

I didn't pay too much attention to her frustration nor engage in much conversation after that, as I was facing an inner struggle myself. Flashbacks, panic, and the uneasiness in my chest: it comes and goes, but today it's choosing to stay.

Just before the presentations started, I got a hit of panic, which may be the fourth time this week. It's weird how these moments of unsettling flutters seem to come. I curse it every time. As a bit of context, for the past few weeks I've been avoiding walking by the library to get to where I need to be. Instead, I've been taking a detour to get to my classes even though it's out of my way and takes a few extra minutes­– not like anyone would notice anyways. Unfortunately, today I couldn't escape passing the library as our class walked together to meet the other grade in a larger room for the presentations. We walked in clusters, and that was enough to bring me back to how we ran in pairs coming out that day. It was the whole scene of walking in unison. When we approached the library, I told myself to keep my eyes down. Unsuccessfully, I caved into the temptation to look, despite knowing it wouldn't be good for me.

The doors were still locked and the windows were covered with yellow boards. To the left of the entrance, I noticed a table set-up, with photos commemorating the lives that have been lost. There are some spots set up like this, – on the lockers of students who died, and the main one being a wall of remembrance just outside the main office. Mrs. O'Neil taught one of the students, Daniel, who died in the shooting. I remember her pausing to bow her head after glancing at his photo and then to the rest, before proceeding to lead our class down the hall. People left cards, and small tokens that symbolized what their friends had loved. Mrs. O'Neil had mentioned that he loved to travel, which explains the keychains from different countries around his photo. I glanced at the other photos, and then got a striking image of the boy sitting across from me that day. I remember he was dressed in black and had his headphones on. In the photo, he was smiling so his teeth were showing. It's a sight I never saw in person. I remember thinking, it's the kind of photo his grandparents would share with their friends at the retirement home. My mind flipped back and forth from the photo to that day, and then finally to the moment I saw him lying on the floor. I couldn't help but shudder and quicken my pace. There has to be a way to get rid of these flashbacks somehow.