Selfish bastard

Part 10

(Simon's POV)

My eyelids seem to weigh tons, my whole body aches and my throat is terribly dry. I'm at the hospital for a couple of hours, now. I fainted in my office and been carried here by ambulance.

At my arrival, I was still dizzy but in a better shape. Tony, my assistant, who found me inanimate on the floor, was here with me. We both answered the interns questions, trying to explain what happened as much as we could. After some basic check-ups, I ended up in a room where I rapidly fell asleep. Now I struggle to wake up completely.

With a huge effort, I open my eyes, trying to adjust with the light and the environment. I blink several times, yawn, stretch a bit and slowly sit up on the mattress. Looking around, my glance falls on Lauren. She's asleep in an armchair, at the bed end.

I want to call her but my voice ends up in a series of coughs, that eventually wakes her up.

"Simon...Baby ! Are you ok ?" she asks with concern, moving towards me. She gives me a glass of water. I take a sip and catch my breath before talking, in an unusual hoarse voice :

"Lauren...What happened exactly ? It's a little confusing..."

"You don't remember ? Tony found you on the floor. Apparently, you were on the phone and you collapsed or something."

"I know that part, dear...What I'd like to understand is what caused it and what happened just bef..."

Oh, I know, no need to ask...David. I was talking to him. I remember his disdain, his coldness...I remember my anger, frustration, cries against him. And all of a sudden, everything went dark.

Lauren's now stroking my cheek. I can see she's avid to learn more about that night.

"What happened ?" she repeats, making sure she understood well. "I don't know, Darling...Could it be hypoglycemia or something ?"

"No, I had dinner thirty minutes before..." I answer, biting my lips.

Lost in my thoughts, I hardly hear a doctor enter the room. She's a tall cordial redhead who directly heads towards us and shakes our hands warmly.

"Mrs Silverman, Mr Cowell, nice to meet you. I'm Dr Welsh".

"Please, give us some good news" Lauren begs, squeezing my hand.

"Definitely. I really want to reassure you both. It was certainly a vasovagal collapse."

Noticing our blank glares, she continues :

"When your body overreacts to certain triggers, like the sight of blood or extreme emotional distress, you could faint, sometimes. Your heart rates and the blood pressure drops suddenly, which leads to reduced blood flow to your brain. That's why you briefly lost consciousness."

I nod in silence, thinking once again of my painful interaction with David.

"Ok, so...could it be provoked by, let's say...a very intense phone call ? Harsh words spoken or...?" I ask, longing for the answer my intuition already gave me.

"Absolutely. If your emotions were very high, even insufferable, it might have been the trigger I was talking about, Mr Cowell" she replies, gently tapping on my shoulder.

I hear Lauren sigh in relief. For me, it's another story, as I contemplate the facts : like a nineteen century damsel in distress, I literally passed out for the love of David Walliams. Should I seriously question my sanity or should I laugh ? I really can't tell by now...

"It's usually harmless and requires no treatment. And happily for you, you didn't hit your head by falling. We'll still run some tests, though, to rule out issues like heart disorders but I'm really confident cause you had no cardiac history so far", Dr Welsh pursues.

I look at Lauren and blush. I often argued with her and it was quite violent sometimes, leading her to yell at me. But I was never emotionally chocked to the point of collapsing on the ground...

"Now, have a little rest, while I see if we can get you the electrocardiogram soon. If everything is ok, you'll be able to go home in a few hours" Dr Welsh concludes with a smile, then leaves the room.

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All is silent now. Lauren turns to me, still holding my hand and I can read it in her eyes : she needs to understand and has every right to.

"Who were you talking to when it happened ?" she inquires calmly.

"David" I reply without hesitation.

"David ? You mean...David Walliams ?" She looks puzzled. I slowly nod, my lips pursed, while giving her a very intense, emotional stare. I want her to know, to read it in my eyes. And insightful as she is, she finally does. 

"Do you have an affair with him ?" she asks, still surprisingly peaceful.

"Yes...Yes, I do" I reply softly, lowering my head, stroking her palm with my thumb. I've never felt more vulnerable and exposed than at this very moment.

She takes a deep breath but doesn't seem angry or disappointed.

"I'm sorry, Darling...I've been a liar and a coward all along" I murmur, now caressing her long dark hair. "I wish I managed it all like a responsible adult. Would you ever forgive me ?"

"Simon...You know we're not a couple anymore for a very long time, don't you ?" she suddenly asserts.

"True...." I admit. "But it doesn't change the fact you didn't deserve to be treated the way I did. And I still love you, Lauren."

"I know, I love you too. But let's be honest about it : we're not in love anymore. What we feel for each other is tenderness, care, attachment...That's something but not enough to make a real relationship".

"That's all my fault..." I whisper, caught back by guilt and sadness.

"No, Simon, it's OUR fault. You cheated on me, sure, but I wasn't really truthful with you either : I'm not in love with you anymore, for a long time now, but I chose to stay for bad reasons...you gave me comfort, security and a family. That's all I needed. I never really tried to be your lover again. Worse, I didn't miss that...We both knew it but we let it happen anyway..."

I nod, every single word she says echoing strongly in my heart. We share a sorry, painful smile.

"So...do you love him ?" she asks after a moment, sorting me out of my thoughts.

"Huh, sorry ?"

"Do you love David ?" she repeats patiently.

This is a bittersweet and strange feeling to talk about it after the discussion we just had...

"To my full surprise, yes I do...I'm in love with him. And I care for him so much..."

"See ? That's the way true love's supposed to be" she affirms warmly. I shrug, repressing a sob :

"Well..he doesn't seem to want me in his life anymore, so..."

"Si, you both need time to think about it and adjust. I'm sure you'll find each other, at some point. And it could be way sooner than you think."

This is surreal...I discuss my 'extra conjugal' relationship with Lauren...I'm stunned to confess so much to her and that it feels so natural. She's even the one encouraging it.

It seems she anticipated the end of our story way before I did. All the respect and love we have for each other will hopefully help us open this new chapter of our lives, step by step...

I take her in my arms, sweetly rocking her like a baby.

"You are very special, Lauren Silverman." I murmur to her ear.

"So are you Simon Cowell"

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Hey, everyone !

I really and honestly don't know what to think about this chapter...Do I like it or not ? I can't be positive, either way. But it's done. Tell me what you think and if it needs some modifications. I trust your judgment ! ;) 　

Thanks so much.