Selfish bastard

Part 9

(David's POV)

In front of the mirror, I straighten my bow-tie. I'm usually not versed into self satisfaction - far from it - but I objectively look good tonight. Elton and David have a party with only very close friends and family. I try to enjoy as much as possible the sweet weather of Nice and their incredible villa.

Fancy people dancing, laughing and drinking a little too much should light me up but they just don't, for a very good reason : I feel like an empty shell, I'm here but I'm not. I show my smily and cocky face to everyone, just to comfort people and give them what they want. But inside me, it's a heap of ruins.

Pretending everything's alright is harassing. All your energy is focused on how to avoid people's questions, concern...I don't want them to know, to guess something's wrong. I wouldn't know how to deal with it or what to say.

This is a well-known sensation for me, though. When I'm in one of my bipolar phases, I also feel drained and useless and I wander in the house like a ghost. When it occurs to me, I try my best to protect the others but who protects me ?

For now, it's all about my broken heart. I miss Simon. So much. Shit...The more I try to forget him, the more his face, his voice, his body invade my thoughts, messing with my emotions.

I can see and feel every single detail of him, from the manly, intoxicating smell of his skin to his strong, muscled arms. From his brown eyes full of lust to his warm and tender embrace. Everything. His kisses, his caresses, his presence. Me inside of him when he begs me to go harder and faster, making him cry with pleasure.

He doesn't love me, true. He just doesn't. And there's nothing I could possibly do about it.

I shaved my beard this morning just because Simon told me once he adored it and found it terribly sexy. This is childish, I know. Cause I liked it too...

Lost in my thousands thoughts, I turn angrily to my phone. It rings at regular intervals for almost ten minutes now and it's getting to my nerves. I take a closer look at the notifications and messages and gasp, instantly caught back by my emotions : the one who tries to catch me for so long is no other than Simon Cowell...

My heart accelerates wildly and I feel a tremble through my whole body. No one ever had this effect on me. His name appearing on my screen is enough to cause an inner volcano.

Right. What do I do, now ? Calling him ? Texting him ? I have no fucking idea of what's wrong or right at the time. I'm no longer in capacity of thinking properly.

While I dither stupidly, my phone rings again. This time, I take a deep breath and answer.

"Simon..." I say, trying my best to control the quavers in my voice.

"Hey, David..." he replies and just the sound of his voice fills me with joy. And sorrow. He seems tired and hesitant.

"I...huh...I just wanted to know if you were ok. It's been quite some time..."

"I'm ok, I guess" I reply, struggling to hide my deep emotion and fluster. "I'm currently in Nice"

"So I heard" he retorts straight away.

Gosh, he must know, of course...it was spilled all over the press ! I have no idea how someone could have spied on us or if it was some hidden camera but my little sexcapade didn't go unnoticed. Unfortunately.

I sigh, feeling guilty and bad about my recent behavior. Happily, Simon doesn't hint at it :

"David...I just want you to know that...I've been thinking about you. A lot. And I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, never."

I bite my lips. I don't want to cry. Not now.

"But you did" I utter, dealing with a rush of sadness.

"Yes...and that's why I want to apologize. I call you because I want to make things better between us. Really."

I know he's trying his best but for some crap reasons, I'm not ready yet to forgive him so quickly. I stay silent for a while, forcing him to talk again.

"I'm willing to take my responsibilities but...I wasn't alone there. You never warned me, David. Why didn't you tell me you were suffering from the situation ?"

My worst self comes back again and I can feel it in my guts. I hate it but can't help it right now.

"What do you call me for, Si ? To make me feel guilty about it ? So this is all my fault, huh ? "

"Wait, what ? No, David, no !...You misunderstand me..." he claims and I can hear his voice weakening. But he still finds the courage to continue :

"I know I fucked it all up and I want to make amends. I need your help for that, cause I don't know where to start, what to do..." 

He stops for a moment before meaningfully saying : 

"I miss you..."

I'm torn inside. I'm so moved by his words, I badly want him back in my arms, in my life. I can tell he's sincere and that's what I've been longing for. But for some obscure reasons, I choose to challenge and provocate him a little more.

"What do you mean, you miss me ? You miss my blowjobs, my ass ?...my ability to raise BGT's ratings ?...what ?"

Oh God...did I really say that ?...This time, I've gone too far and I'm ashamed of myself. It's not too late, though...I can still tell him how much I love and want him.

But Simon talks first, his deep strong voice back again :

"You know what ? I just called to talk to you, to say I was ready to reconsider our relationship...I said I missed you. All I have in return is your bad mood and contempt. And for the record, I'm not the one who fucked a hostess a few days ago !"

Touché...My stupid maneuver backfires, leading him where I so hoped he'd never go. Simon is now upset and angry, literally shouting at me :

"You think you know me ? Bullshit, David ! You have no fucking idea who I am, what I've been through, what I feel..."

The last few words suddenly die in his mouth. I hear a slight moan then a heavy sound. My worst fears and angsts arise as I cry on the phone :

"Simon ! Simon !!! What's up ? Are you ok ? Please, answer me, Babe ! Please !..."

But it was just me, my pounding heart and silence.

..............................................................................................................................................

Here it is. I really want to dedicate this part to 1Damon who helped me find the idea and the motivation to continue this story. And a special thanks to our great Damon group as well. You're all stunning !

Hope you'll enjoy it, even if it's a harsh and dark part. It will get better, promise ! And as always, feel free to comment.