Surrounding Stories (Collection)

Living

On 28.9.19; A True Story

I sat down in the corner of the alley, behind a plant, hoping to remain hidden from the world. My heart beat rapidly as I scrolled down the texts, desperately waiting for a reply.  Eyes brimmed with tears, heart beat high in my ears, all voices drowned down as my mind whirled, focused on the green icon on my phone. Why couldn’t they all be active when I needed them?

It all might seem foolish, careless even silly to the world, worrying about a friendship I myself had broken mere hours ago but a bond of the heart cannot shatter by a few words. It takes years to get over it along with new faces but the ache still remains, dull yet  alive. And who could know it better than I?

Another friend spoke out my worry in their group chat and I mentally slapped myself. “Thanks buddy,” I thought.  I wanted to know her father’s health. Not see it with my eyes. The chat became alive as texts poured in and my eyes ran over the black and white lines mentally calming, emotionally wrecking me apart. She thanked the others for being caring, for the prayers and concern taking their names. My heart burned and I shut the phone, scolding myself for caring.

She would never know that I was the reason they asked. How can she anyway? It’s only been months since she met me. She spends a few hours a day with me. One can’t know anyone by these hours. It takes years spent together to actually know someone and I was once again being foolish for expecting a lot. My mother always said that speak out rather than in your heart, for no one can hear the heart beat.

It was true now. She didn’t know it was because of me that the question was asked and prayers were sent. She wouldn’t know it was I who went to the Himalayas in holidays and got a special birthday gift only for her. She would never know that I used to wait only for her so that I could see her charming face for more time that others. She wouldn’t because I never spoke.

And it was my fault. I spoke a bit too soon. I expected a bit too much. Hearts are made to be broken. And I knew it. Yet I took in all she had to offer gladly. I opened our previous pictures wondering what happened to our smiles. Our joy. Happiness. And here I am now thinking of not even inviting my so called bff to my own wedding. I wiped my nose and looked away. All was wrong. The world seemed to spin. Nothing was right. No one was right. Or maybe, I wasn’t right.

I stood up and went to the balcony overlooking the beautiful garden below. If only my life was as beautiful, as blooming. All in its place. The stars above twinkled, settling into a harmony so calm that even I couldn’t decipher whether they were alive or asleep. That twinkle was for the eyes of the onlooker, only they knew how they burned to stay alive, breathe and live. But no one knew or understood the pain.

Life is like that. Bright and beautiful on the outside but fiery on the inside. No one understands the dreams you own but you. No one understands the pain you go through but you. And it is only you who can feel it, breathe it, know it, live it. So we, together are alive and living. Burying our worries into the deepest corners of hearts with fake smiles plastered on our faces.

An unknown number rang and I understood it was her. She couldn’t live without me like I couldn’t without her. And I was so foolish to think I could. I believed I would die each day when I would look at her with someone else relishing her moments, her life with them while I break each day. But I also believed she would go through the same pain as much as I would. The biggest part, it wasn’t even her fault.

Just thinking that, I picked up the phone. Becoming unknown, I asked who it was though I knew. I knew when it rang it was her. But now it wasn’t me speaking. It was my fake ego. My fake heart. Actually brain. Hearts don’t lie. They live and they breathe. They are the source of us. They are the light and yet we take them for granted.

She asked me not to cut the call and I obliged, internally happy to be doing what my heart wants. It wanted her. It missed her. And there I was becoming dumb enough to push her away.

But she was my gem. Coming back to me. And no matter how much I was hurt, I knew I’d be more without her. Once was enough. I couldn’t go through the same pain again. She was mine and I wouldn’t let her go.

So I let her speak as much as she wanted though putting in my stance once or twice. But my heart was happy and I realized that I liked it that way. The argument went on for hours, my heart conquering my brain and my eyes shining to hear her. Her voice. Her pain. Her love. Her care. It all made me break. Break into a million pieces one by one.

I couldn’t stay away no matter how much I planned to. I wanted to kick her out of my life. But she was my magnet. We were attracted to each other like moth to a flame. Dangerous yet convincing. Living.

Misunderstandings cleared, tears shed. Two hearts once again became one as we promised new beginnings, our friends cheering us, rooting for us. My heart smiled. And I felt it. I believed hers did too.

Doubt always lingers in the back of our minds, always taking us astray. But it’s the heart that knows the truth and desire being rash, it is always pure. Trust your heart and leave all upon the God. That’s how living works.

To my heart, my tibbi. I set you free. Forgive me, my flame. For I am your moth, burning just to be near you. And you burning to attract me. Live on and I shall see like I planned. But remember forever, my heart is yours to hold.

☆

Hey. I'm sorry I sometimes mind you not being with me. I'm trying not to. I complained on thursday, not friday. Means I was somewhat successful right? So yeah, I'm trying and I believe I will succeed. You are a free human being. Go where you want, don't worry what I'll think. I'll try not think anything. Feelings will also subside, just give it time.

- HNJahangiri

5.10.19