THE AGENCY

Chapter 41: CONFLICTED MORNING

CONFLICTED MORNING

I wake up, still nestled in the midst of Xander's arms as I feel the rays of sunlight against my face. Then I feel him move against me and I know he's awake. I stare at the window. For some reason my mind still seems to be in an emotionally imbalanced state. I stare out the window as I indulge into the abyss of my thoughts. I feel him stretch out his muscles as he strokes my cheek, but I'm still lost.
"Sky? Where are you today?" he asks playfully as he taps my head.
"Mmmmmh?" I ask still wandering.
"What's going on in that head of yours?" he asks as he reclines on his arm. He looks down at me with an amused look.
"No where." I state.
"That can't be true. Tell me." He persists.
"Xander?" I ask absentmindedly.
"Yes?" he asks curiously.
"Can I ask you something?" I say still distracted.
"No." he responds.
"Why?!" I sharply ask as I look at him.
"That's better." He says as he fingers my chin. "You haven't even made eye contact with me since you woke up and you haven't even said good morning. It's quite a dagger to my heart, sweetness." He remarks with an adorable look. It's hard not to give him my attention. I give him a smile.
"Good morning, sunshine." I say with my nose scrunched up and my lips twisted. "Now can I ask you a question?" I say. I know he can't say no.
"You know I can't say no to that Sky face." He remarks as he pokes the dimple on my left cheek.
"I know. The question is kind of serious...and I don't really...I... uh.... don't really...." I start to stutter and he frowns.
"Just tell me. What's bothering you?" he asks concernedly.
"Xander...I don't really know how to phrase my feelings." I say.
"Try," he encourages. I look down and surprisingly he lets me.
"Xander I want you to be honest..." I start.
"Never expect any less." He says with a straightforward look.
"Is it weak for me to get so emotional over such simple things when it's already been a few months? Is it just weak for me to be such an emotional mess?" I ask suddenly helpless. He takes my hand in his and moves me closer so our noses are touching.
"Get something straight, Sky." He says sternly as he looks at me intently. "You are not weak and you never have been at least from what I've seen. I don't want to hear you ever call yourself weak." He says strictly. I look away.
"But...I think I am!" I retort with a bit of conviction. He grasps my chin hard almost painfully as he looks me right in the eye.
"You. Are. Not. Why? Why do you think you are?" he asks. Just as I'm about to respond he continues, "Because your grieving? Because you think you can do better? Your ego is disappointed in you?" he accuses. I try to look away again, but he doesn't let me. "You're always going to be stronger than others and can do better than you are, but right now that doesn't apply. Your grief is a twisted dark pain that is natural. You think it's some sort of disease that you can escape, but you feel you're infected. You don't get infected with grief, Sky. God damn gives it to you when someone you love...someone you truly love isn't there. No love no grief, darling and that's just the way it is. Suffering through this intolerable pain is just a representation of how much you care. From what I see, I know it's a damn lot." He says determined to finish his point. "It doesn't make you weak for one damn second. It makes you a hell of a lot stronger than you think you are. It's only been 2 and a half months and you think you can be invincible?" he asks me sternly in disbelief. "You're not invincible, Sky. None of us are. We're human and we have to deal with the shit that comes with that. We can't change what we're given, but only learn to accept it as much as we can." He continues. "If you weren't crying for your father a year from now, I'd knock you upside the head because it would be strange. Tears are not a sign of weakness, Sky. They are a sign of pure heart...and the way you love me, I know you've got one." He says as he brushes some hair behind my ear.
"Xander, he's gone and I just feel like so many things are gone. So many hopes. So much pride. So much..." I say as emotion wavers in my voice. "When he was at the hospital after the gunshot, the last words I said to him..." I say. He starts to rub my back. "I yelled at him." I state. "I yelled at him! Instead of saying something positive about how I'll miss him I was being a selfish daughter and I yelled at him! About what? I yelled at him saying that a father never leaves his daughter without a man to take his place in watching after her! I was so selfish, Xander! I told him that continuously... My brother and sister are married and they left so many years ago. How was it fair for him to see them married and not me? Did I not count, Xander?" I yell at him. A few tears had already slipped down my face.
"Sky..." he starts.
"It's not fair, Xander! It's not! He didn't even meet you!" I conclude with a small sob.
"No man will ever take his place in your life, Sky. Don't say that. I have a different place in your life, but I will watch over you. I'll give you all the love you need, sweetness. It's not fair for you. It's you're your brother and sister are weaker than you. They've had someone, but you? You were left alone, Sky and that's not fair. But when is life ever fair to us? It isn't. I'm here now and I won't leave you. As for marriage, this is a forever and I don't back down on my promises, Sky Renei Hudson," He says strongly. "I wish I could've met the wonderful man your father was. I really wish I could've told him how much I love you and tell him what a beautiful, smart, and bold daughter he has, but I can't. You count, Sky. You counted to him, but my dick of a father happened to take him away from you. You've never talked to me about him. This is where we're free. You can open up to me, Sky. If you truly love me, then you'd open up to me, Sky. What do you miss?" he asks.
"I miss so many things, Xander, but they're all childish." I say with embarrassment. He brushes the tears away from under my eyes with his thumb and kisses my cheek.
"Try me," he challenges with a cocked eyebrow.
"I...I...how does this help? Won't this just make me cry?" I question.
"I want you to practice opening up to me and I want you to tell me what you miss. I would never be able to replace him, but maybe I could do some of those things with you." He suggests.
"It wouldn't be the same, Xander." I complain. He runs his fingers through my hair.
"I know, but I want to work with you, so we can be happy together and at least get to a point where we can accept what life has thrown our way. I just want us to be closer. The more you shut me out, the more distant our relationship, so start talking." He says.
"I...I...miss the way he'd sing. He'd randomly sing wherever he was. I miss his hugs when he's wearing a suit and the way he'd bring me back a giant cookie from business meetings even though I'm 22 he'd always treat me like his little girl. He'd tell stories in the most animated way and I use to beg him for lectures. He'd give me a lecture on any topic. Before THE AGENCY he was really into cancer and medicine so he used to explain those things to me. I...also miss the way he'd feed me. I guess I just miss so much...gee, Xander there's so much to say. One thing I really miss is the way he'd make breakfast. I know it sounds stupid, but he makes the best toast with almond butter and raspberry jam. I really miss that." I say as my eyes start to well up. He tucks me into his chest and kisses my head. I just hug him tighter as if it will relieve me of the pain.
"There are so many painful memories, Xander. I can't escape them all." I say in a voice of helplessness.
"It's not about escaping the memories, Sky. Wouldn't you want to cherish the best of moments? The best are the most painful, but you'll begin to understand that no matter the pain a memory isn't worth losing." He says as his arm tightens. "Together. Together in this forever we're going to replace all the pain with memories...memories together, Sky. When I've got my Sky the sky has no heights." He says with a grin.
"Now that was, cheesy." I say to him with a chuckle.
"Not cheesy if it's true. I'll prove it to you one day, that it sure is true."
"I'll be waiting." I say to him.
"You won't be waiting for long. Not long at all, darling." He replies. Then the door busts open and Scar walks in. I shoot up and out of Xander's grasp. Then she shields her eyes.
"It burns! GET A ROOM!" she screams. We laugh and I roll my eyes at her dramatics.
"Excuse me, but I believe this is our bedroom and it doesn't get more private than that." I say back.
"Well then, couldn't keep an eye on the clock could you guys, with all your..." she says.
"Shut up! Get the hell out of our bedroom, Scar! We'll be out in a few minutes!" I say to her.
"Fine, I wasn't implying anything." She says with a wink. I groan as I fall back onto the bed.
"Why don't we all eat breakfast together. I happen to carry some almond butter, but we can send Scarlette to the store to grab some raspberry jam." He says.
"Xander...it's too painful. Please no..." I plead.
"Sky if you're going to deprive yourself of the best moments of your life then what's the point? You need to take a few steps or else you'll never know. You're scared and anytime you're insecure you either stop or you run away. With me it's usually the latter, but you need to learn to fight head on other than during missions." He scolds me. "Now, get dressed, we're having toast period."
"Are you guys implying you're undressed on that bed?" Scar asks from outside the door. My cheeks flame up.
"No you spying idiot! GO AWAY before I shove you out myself." I threaten as I hear her laughter out the door. I get off the bed and look to Xander and his cryptic grin
"Wipe that smile off your face, Mr. Smith." I say with a frown.
"Is it against some unknown law I should be aware of?" he asks with a smartass grin.
"Don't be a smart mouth." I say as I walk into the bathroom.
"You love it. I know you do!" he shouts from the bed.
"You need to rid yourself of these delusions before it gets you in trouble." I yell back as I stick my toothbrush in my mouth. He gets up off the bed and strolls behind me as I brush my teeth. His arms wrap around me from behind as I look at him from the mirror.
"Sweetness, we both know that I speak the candid truth."
"Save your charm for when you really need it." I respond as I finish rinsing my mouth. I step out of the bathroom and he turns to follow me. "Now go brush your teeth....do I really have to remind you?" I ask with a stern glare.
"I can't help that you've put me under you're spell." He responds as I shut him in the bathroom.,
"Save the charm, pretty boy. Or else who knows, I might turn you into a frog." I say back. I hear him turn on the tap.
"No, you're not an evil witch, Sky. Are you?" he asks in a muffled voice. I can hear him brushing as I change into a blue sweater.
"Am I? Depends on what mood I'm in." I respond.
"That's true..." he says.
"You're supposed to contradict me and tell me I'm not a witch!" I yell back at him.
"I don't lie, remember? Just joking. I know...I know. You're my princess." He says as he walks out of the bathroom. He rakes his fingers through my hair as he grasps my neck and pulls me close to him. His forehead rests on mine.
"I suppose you want me to call you 'prince charming'?" I ask with disgust.
"I was hoping..." he says with a smile.
"Prince charming is garbage. You're better than that. You're really just my sunshine, Xander." I respond with a peck to his lips.
"I'll take what I can get." He says suavely.
"You really don't have a choice." I say at him as I walk out the room.
"Of course I have a choice!" he yells.
"If that's what you've convinced yourself to think...then good for you." I conclude as I greet Scar.