Some Thoughts.

I can't.

I feel so self centered writing this, when my problems are less than microscopic in comparison to everyone else's. The fact that that in itself is one of my problems... Ugh. I complain about nothing and I hate it and people WONDER why I hate myself. And here I go again. I feel so worthless, so empty, so done with everything. I just can't anymore. I feel a lack of trust and security that I can't find. I feel so done, I wanna disappear so, so fucking bad, but I'm restrained by the fact I actually give a shit about how maybe 3 people(?) would actually give a shit if I died. I have no idea who my actual friends are, and I wouldn't be surprised if the people I titled as friends hate me, and I can't complain about that because I do the same.

I... I really need to just get this down somewhere. Maybe it's egocentric, maybe it's somehow attention seeking. I really don't care. I just need somewhere to put this that someone can see, which is probably attention seeking but whatever.

Ive had three mental breakdowns so far today, my average is two so it's not that bad. My little bit of self confidence jumped out a window and somehow I'm in the negatives. And oh my god, literally all week... Well, this time let's start at something somewhat like a beginning. So a few months ago, I got into a bad habit of cutting myself, which is unimportant and we don't talk about it, and although I thought it made me feel better somehow it eventually fed into suicidal thoughts and, to get to the point, I can't get all the ways I could kill myself out of my head. And, probably a really bad idea, this weekend I wrote suicide notes that would be given to my friends in case I ever committed suicide. All that... I guess is easier to say in typed words rather than face to face.

I feel so guilty and attention seeking writing this oh my god. Maybe it's right to feel that way. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be at all, I just need somewhere to put my thoughts other than my head.

OH AND, Not as important, but back to my wonderful self confidence. So we have picture day tomorrow, and that speaks for itself.

Anyway, back to my bigger of the microscopic problems, everyone's problems are bigger than mine. I feel guilty for even feeling depressed all the time when everyone has a better reason to be. I always say I have home problems, but mine are nothing compared to some of my friends. (Plus, I overreact with my home problems.) Alot of my friends are dysphoric, which that in itself is a very valid reason to have depression. Some have major anxiety. I MIGHT have a little anxiety, but it's definitely not bad. One of my friends, oh my god, like their problems are valid and they have anxiety and they have every right to feel the way they do and in a way that makes me guilty because I don't. I feel like I complain the most when I have nothing to complain about. And that's exactly what this is, wow.

One last thing.

I think I'm gonna stop talking about this stuff to my friends directly. Nothing against certain friends, it's all of you who do this, I'll talk about my problems and then... Nobody tell me theirs. It makes me feel worse and makes me feel like they don't trust me, like me, think I'm worth telling stuff... Bla bla bla.

And that's it. I'm sorry for wasting you're time.