Some Thoughts.

I'm an awful friend

(to my friends)

I'm sorry.
I'm a really awful friend.
I've been ignoring you guys. Because of how freaking selfish I have to be sometimes. I've been jealous of literally everything you guys do. You guys just... Get each other, laugh at the same jokes, actually are funny, get all the references you make, and most of you have OK families. You can actually start conversations without having to be super awkward, you guys don't have to be embarrassed at every little thing you do or say. You guys are great friends, you've stuck by me even though I've been an awful friend, even though I'm really boring and selfish, even though I complain most the time, even though I'm a year younger than most of you so I'm more childish still in some ways if that makes sense. Even when I've been too awkward or quiet and boring, even when I seem like I just don't care. I honestly don't know why you put up with me. I'm the odd one out, you all can have fun and all, and you won't even notice I'm left behind. I'm not mad at you of course, honestly I get it. I would leave me too.

I wish I was more like you guys somehow. I just... Don't even know anymore. I wish I could pass my classes; I'm supposed to be an advanced student. Clearly not. I wish I could actually be allowed to watch shit so I don't have to stand confused whenever a friend makes a reference. I wish I didn't have an immense fear of judgement by my friends so I could just pull it together and be myself. I wish I was better at pretending I'm okay, Friday, literally two of my teachers asked me if I was. Am I okay? What if I am and I'm just overreacting to little things as usual. What if every emotional breakdown I have is just an overreaction? What if everytime I told someone I wasn't okay I was just lying even though I didn't know which technically wouldn't be lying I wouldve just belived a falsehood.

I'm just an overreaction. My friends have real reasons to be depressed. The only thing I have real reasons for is hating me.

Fake smiles, fake smiles. That's all I am right? Right? Fake. Toxic. I'm just a scared liar. So selfish, it's hindering. I don't realize how much my friends actually do care about me. But is it really me? Im one person today and another tomorrow. I don't know which person is the original and which is the imperfect copy.

So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm a bad friend. I'm sorry I'm jealous. I'm sorry you care about me when I don't deserve it. I'm sorry I'm sorry for being sorry. I'm sorry I don't know who I am, much less how to be me. I'm sorry I hold so much inside. I'm sorry I overeact. I'm sorry I'm not good at pretending. I'm sorry if I lie. I'm sorry I feel the things I do. I'm sorry if I'm being annoying and selfish. I'm just so sorry.

I wanna come clean about something, but I don't want my friends to be mad at me, plus I'm super anxious.

But it hurts.
Keeping it inside.
I just feel like I have to tell someone. Anyone. Would anyone understand? Would anyone care at this point? Would it be selfish and attention seeking to even mention it? I just need someone to talk to,
But I don't know how to speak. I stumble and hesitate, I make things awkward, I'm too blunt sometimes, too okay with stuff I shouldn't be okay with. Too desensitized to sensitive shit. Do I even wanna talk about it? Will I regret it? But I'm exploding. I have to say something,
Right?

No. I won't.
I can't.
I'm too anxious about everything.
Don't hate me.
Even if you already do, can we just pretend for a moment you dont? Can we pretend I'm a happy, likeable person? We all are. Right?

Right?

Let's pretend I don't have a homophobic family that hates me. Let's pretend I wouldn't get kicked out if I ever came out. Let's just pretend I'm not super pressured to do good in school to the point that it makes me do bad. Let's pretend my own mother didn't try to run me over earlier today. Let's pretend I'm not useless or worthless. Let's pretend I'm just like my friends. Let's pretend I actually listed all my problems because I totally have motivation. Can we pretend that? Just for a day, an hour, at least a minute, a second?

I don't have the motivation to say anything else right now. So I'm ending that here.