Random thoughts on random things

Worth Pursuing

I have composed a lot of mini messages for him.
Messages that he won't be able to read, because I don't think I'll have the courage to let him.
But I can't seem to stop wanting to express how I feel. And share it to someone, or somewhere.
So here... a letter to M.

If you haven't noticed it yet, I like you. Don't ask me how or why, because I don't know the answer too. It started when my teammate mistook you for the other person I was crushing on at the time. It was not you at first, but then I started noticing you too. The way you walk, talk and smile timidly. I was amused, became curious until I found myself looking forward to seeing you at the office. My eyes were always alert when I see something black - because you wore black almost everytime. Black shirt, black jacket (which eventually improved, nagkaron ka na rin ng gray ones, so black and gray na LOL).
I was so curious about you that I think I developed some kind of enhanced hearing when it comes to you. Good thing at that time, our team was seated near the team you were frequently interacting with. So I heard your name. Then another good thing, our company provides this some sort of a name plate so I was able to know your full name (stalker mode: on LOL).
I remember the times when I couldn't see you at the office. No black alert. I assumed you were deployed out on fieldwork, and you were. For a few days, you were not onsite. So that day when I saw you again across our area, I felt like my face reddened. Imagine? Just by seeing you again, I blushed? What kind of sorcery did you perform on me? LOL. Anyways, I was glad that you were back that day.
I mentioned about stalking. So I'm admitting it now. I did stalk you on social media even before we were properly introduced. I saw that you are a Christian. And somehow, I felt that you are a nice person. And I am happy that you indeed are.
Needless to say, I rarely (rarely talaga. Haha) get attracted to "nice guys". I was always into the "maloko" guys or those with a bad boy image. Sporty, boy-next-door types. So I know, the moment I admitted to myself that I am attracted to you, I know that this has to be something different.
With your nice guy, mysterious aura, I was ... should I say ... captivated (what a term, right?). And I also want to mention, the feelingera side of me thought you have a crush on me too, somehow. At that time kasi I thought you were glancing at me as well. But then, I learned that you are the oblivious type of person. So ouch. Hindi mo pala ako crush! 😅
Fast forward to February 15, 2019. Yes! A day after valentine's day when the romantic air somehow led me into thinking na if I finally added you sa facebook, something might turn out good. With a push from my friends, I nervously clicked the "add" button. I waited for the notification saying you accepted me as a friend... for days. I waited for days, but it did not come. Of course I got hurt. My pride got hurt as well. Maybe I was also frustrated at the time because I don't understand... why? Why didn't you accept my friend request? Were you not seeing me in the office? Was I not a familiar face to you? I wanted answers. I am the type of person na when frustrated, I tend to tell my frustration to my friends. Kasi nga I wanted answers. And I'd like to hear their answers. Some say na maybe you're not the social media guy, maybe you just don't open facebook. They said things that could comfort me. Lo and behold, you actually saw my request but you just ignored it! LOL (I knew about it because I saw your online activity when we finally became friends in facebook. Of course curious ako so I really checked).
Anyways, my teammates supported me too well on that frustration of mine that even the HR person got involved. She somehow managed to make me admit who my crush is. Everything escalated quickly and found myself hearing the news that the HR had set me up a lunch with you and your boss. And believe me, I almost wanted to just disappear because - why would there be a lunch like that?! Of course you would know!!! But it was already set up. So I had no choice. But then again, I think it was not meant at that moment for us to meet because your boss had to attend another lunch meeting. The HR wanted to reschedule, but I had to say no because I don't feel good being the person who arranged for it. But you know, until now, I am still curious if you knew that it is me you were supposed to be meeting with. Did you?
So the lunch "date" did not happen. But I have a lot of supportive friends and I was a girl who could not contain my feelings well. So our payroll accountant arranged a "meeting" for us. I think I would always remember that day until my heart finally lets it go. Our first official meeting. You were so polite that you even bowed your head when you greeted me. But I found it cute nonetheless. Again, my uncontained feelings escalated pretty quick. Everyone in the team knows. Yeah, just so you know, you're famous within the team.
Same day, you added me on facebook. Yay! Finally (choss) 😂. By the way, I deleted my request because there was a time na I lost my confidence and just retracted my friend request. Ang suplado!!! Lol.
Then, there's this everyday again of seeing each other, now friends... Smiling (in your case, bowing your head. LOL)
Oh, do you remember that you initiated a conversation one day at the coffee area? I was so happy! That was the first time we talked, after we met. I am sorry I was too shy and I think my heart was circling around too hard that my brain couldn't function well so it was hard for me to really converse with you, especially we were in a public place. Gusto ko sana tayo lang in private, chosss. 🤪
But seriously, at that time or maybe until now, I am still too shy to approach you in person with all those people around us. Maybe I am afraid that you might reject me or something like that. But know that I really want to talk to you. Have a long conversation with you.
That is why I initiated the chats on social media. Because that's the only way I can converse with you without me thinking about what could other people be thinking.
The first time I tried, the conversation was just quick. About the company. Then months passed. I was getting frustrated once more, because all we do is just smile at each other.
I took another step and sent you a message again. This time, intending to make the conversation long enough to get to know each other... and at the back of my mind, let you know as well that I am interested. That if you are by any chance, thinking of wanting to get to know me more, I would entertain. Almost 3 months of sending messages. I don't know what it was to you, but for me it was something. I tried hard to extend the conversation hoping you'd show interest. Well, you did at some point... But I sensed it is all because you are too nice. The reason why I started to like you became the reason why I was frustrated in the end: you were just too nice.
Now I'm admitting the problem. I was trying too hard. Too hard that I became unsettled. I remembered your post ... a person should not try so hard to become the best musical piece. Sometimes, all it takes is just someone who wanted to listen.
My mistake is that I was forcing you to listen. And more so forcing you to play the music for me. I am sorry. For being too stubborn. For putting you on the spot where you had to take care of my feelings.
I remember one of our conversations... about being happy. About settling on what you have. So I'm telling you, and I have told you this before: Thank you. I appreciate how patient you were with me. I appreciate your time responding to my stories. I appreciate you, not pointing out how makulit I was.
Thank you for also making me realize that I am worth pursuing. I mean you did not point it out but this experience did... And thank you for not taking advantage of how crazy I am.
Salamat, M.

PS: Do you know the legend of the 1%? Right now I still have that 1% lingering hope that somehow you are just sorting out your feelings. Kulit no? LOL. But I just wanted to say that in case you've decided na ipursue ako, wag ka naman panghinaan ng loob ha? Well... I think that would be part naman of the pursuing part. You must whole-heartedly pursue me when the time comes. Because I am worth it. ❤️