Beetlejuice: The musical lyrics

The whole being dead thing

BETELGUESE:
Hey, folks! Begging your pardon. 'Scuse me, sorry to barge in. Now let's skip the tears and start on the whole... Y'know, being dead thing.
You're doomed, enjoy the singing. The sword of Damocles is swinging. And if I hear your cellphone ringing, I'll kill you myself. The whole being dead thing.
Death can get a person stressed. "We should've carpe'd way more diems. Now we're never gonna see 'em." I can show you what comes next! So don't be freaked! Stay in your seats! I do this bullshit like eight times a week. So just relax, you'll be fine. Drink your fifty-dollar wine and take a breath.

ENSEMBLE:
Welcome to a show about death.

BETELGEUSE:
You're, you're gonna be fine. On the other side.
DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
I'll... I'll be your guide. To the other side.

ENSEMBLE:
Though in full disclosure: it's a show about death.

BETELGEUSE:
Everybody gets on fine here. Like Rodgers, Hart and Hammerstein here. The women's bathroom has no line her. Just, pee where you want. The whole being dead thing.
You're just gonna love the folks here. Yeah, i know you're woke but you can take a joke here. And every show i do like, a ton of coke here. The whole-
The whole being dead thing!
Nobody is bulletproof! "I work out, I eat clean." Jesus pass the Dramamine. Time to face the brutal truth. 'Cause we're all on a hitlist. Might not live 'till Christmas. Choke to death on Triscuits. Hey, that's just statistics. So take a little break here. Kinda like a wake here, the scenery is fake here. BUT THERE'S A GIANT SNAKE HERE.

ENSEMBLE:
Welcome to a show about death.

BETELGUESE:
You're, you're gonna be fine. THANK YOU! On the other side. HOW YOU DOIN'? (Someone cries) Not good?
I'll, hey, i'll be your guide! To the other side!
Seriously though, this is a show about

ENSEMBLE:
Death is taboo, but it's hardly something new. There's nothing medical professionals can do. 'Cept maybe just bill you.

BETELGEUSE:
If you die while listening to this album, it's still gonna keep playing.

MEN (except Betelguese):
There's no destiny or fate.

WOMEN:
Just a terrifying wait.

MEN (except Betelguese):
Filled with people that you hate,

ENSEMBLE:
And on a certain date, the universe kills you.

BETELGEUSE:
That's the thing with life, no one makes it out alive! Toss that body in the pit. "Gosh it's awful, Ain't it tragic?" "Bla, bla, Bible, Jesus, magic!" When you're dead who gives a shit. "No pilates, no more yoga!" "Namaste", you freaking posers.
From the cradle to cremation, Death just needs a little conversation.
I have mastered the art. (Dies Irae!)
Of tearing conversation apart. (Dies Irae!)
So how 'bout we all make a start, (Dies Irae!)
On the whole being dead thing!

ENSEMBLE AND BETELGEUSE:
God i hope you're ready for a show about death!