The Deep End

29

Song: Hearts Ain't Gonna Lie- Arlissa & Jonas Blue

I sat there bitterly in one of the fold-out chairs our team placed in the corner for all of us. I hadn't said a word to anyone. Not Ty, not even coach. 

I think everyone was a little nervous to talk to me. No one has ever seen me like this. I was always guarded, but not today. I think that was what I was most mad about.

When I came back from speaking to her I immediately went out into the parking lot and let out a fit full of rage. I'm sure someone from across town could hear my screaming. After finally stopping my angry tears I wiped my face and made my way back to the team. I had to pretend nothing ever happened. 

Finally, when I returned to our team's tent I told coach we had a nice conversation about Berkeley and how I'd fit in with the team. Feeding him useless nonsense that I knew he'd be ecstatic to hear. No one recognized my bloodshot eyes or stuffy nose. Meanwhile, Tyler knowing the truth sat in the background and gave me a firm look.

We had a secret.

I didn't want to swim. I was too emotionally exhausted from the interaction with my mother to even think about my usual pre-race nerves. I was too nauseous already. I still felt like there was a heavy weight on mychest from earlier. Yet there I was standing up to go and stretch with the rest of the girls. I had to force my emotions and myself into thinking everything was okay.

I sucked at lying.

I stood behind the blocks jumping around trying to shake the nerves. The same constricting feeling grabbed at my throat. If I didn't know I would have thought a snake was wrapped around it. I shook off the feeling, adjusting my cap.

It's just nerves Ken.

It was the same feeling I always had before every race, only this time much worse. Usually, there were knots in my stomach. This time I had the same knots but again I felt like I could barely breathe. 

More than anything I wanted to lay on the floor with my legs to my chest but I couldn't. I tried to inhale a few deep breaths shaking out my body to loosen my muscles up some more. Nothing seemed to be working. I just couldn't get out of my own head.

I tried to block out everything around me. Normally that would be easy, buttoday it felt completely useless. The moreI tried the more my senses heightened. Everything was so loud around me I jumped at any splash from the water. 

Maybe it was because I finally realized this was something I didn't want to do anymore.  Maybe it took seeing her to realize that? It could just be the fact that she and the coaches were there and I didn't want to be anywhere near her. 

The thought of swimming for another college didn't sit right either. I was beginning to think it wasn't the school that was the problem, but the swimming that went with it.

Breathe. You're fine Ken. It's just nerves. You love swimming. 

Did I?

My dad and Liam couldn't come because Liam was helping with finishing touches for tonight's Spring Fling carnival and my dad got called in. Cal had some family lunch or something that he would try to make it here after he was done, and Riley had a recital. Tish was working and had Livi with her. She said she would try to make it for my last race and record it for my dad.

I wasn't mad that nobody was here, in reality, I was more relieved. I knew this would be an important meet so I was glad there wasn't the extra stress. It wasn't our state meet either, that would be during the summer.

I think more scouts were coming to that one, and of course, there was the next high school season. Plus she showed up and I was already dreading the thought of telling my parents and Liam. I didn't even think there was a right way to tell them, especially Liam.

The whistle chimed telling us to stand on the block. I shook out my legs and arms one last time and gave my cap one more snap against my head. It stung my forehead, and for some reason, I was thankful for the physical pain. I placed my goggles over my eyes, darkening the world in front of me.

I don't want to do this.

Breathe Ken. 

It's just nerves

You love this. 

I stood there searching the crowd. I found Andy but she wasn't here anymore. I saw Tyler and the team. Tyler gave me a slight nod. I took a breath returning the motions I've done countless times.

"Swimmers take your mark!" The voice bellowed in our ears as my body tenses.

I get into position. Gripping the block so my knuckles turn white.

Fuck. I can't do this. I don't want to do this.

You love this. 

Any of this.

The whistle blew. Instead of diving in I did the opposite. I stood up.

It was almost as if time stopped. The only thing you could hear was the splashes of water coming from the competitors that actually dove in. There was a collective gasp among the crowd. Everyone knew my name, so when I didn't dive in they didn't cheer.

Good. 

I removed my goggles and cap taking a step off the block. I heard the splashes, yells, and even a few more gasps. I didn't care.

I didn't love it. 

I didn't care about the possible future I just threw away. The team I let down. I didn't care about the voices screaming at me to get back there and try again my next race. I wish I cared. I should care, but instead I just kept walking and walking until I was as far away from the water as possible.

As soon as I hit the parking lot the sun beamed down on me. I closed my eyes inhaling the sweet pollen scented Spring. I couldn't help but smile and even giggle a little bit. I hadn't realized I had started to cry until a drop trickled down my cheek trailing its way towards my chin. Instead of wiping it away, I let it fall onto the asphalt.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could breathe.