The Deep End

May

Chapter Song: Strangers- Fletcher

The last few weeks went by in an excruciatingly long blur. Sometimes I felt as if I wasn't even present in most of the moments. Other times I was almost too real. Either way I didn't want to be there. 

After the carnival, I stayed cooped up in my room the whole weekend. I ate maybe one slice of pizza and stayed in the dark most of the time. Livi came to cuddle with me a few times and even asked if she could sleep with me one of the nights. I didn't sleep much that weekend, but it was nice to have her there. She would always do that when I was sad in the past.

After I told my family I quit swim, we sat down for what felt like hours discussing how I felt about swim. How I felt like I couldn't breathe before each race, and the water was suffocating me no matter how many breaths I took. My dad didn't say anything but he did nod acknowledging that he was listening to what I had to say.

I also told him about seeing our mother. Again, he didn't say much. What was he supposed to say anyway?

I could tell he got angry when I talked about her. Livi got a little sad. She tended to forget that Tish wasn't mine or Liam's real mom. He let me continue to tell him the story about how she tried to make her way back into our lives and I refused.

"I know you feel that way honey but I just want to let you know you don't have to feel as if you can't have a relationship with her." He smiled sweetly.

"I know," I picked at my nails trying to avoid everyone's gazes. "It's just that I don't want one with her. She made her choice," I shrugged.

"People can change Kenny." Tish added sympathetically.

"I know," I groaned sinking deeper into my seat as Livi scooted closer to me. "But why should I give her the time of day when she didn't want to give me a second of her time for more than half of my life?" I asked to no one in particular.

"I'm not saying you have to have a relationship with her Ken. What I'm saying is that if you wanted one but felt guilty about it you shouldn't." My dad explained more. "You don't need permission to have a relationship with her, and if you wanted one you could have one. None of us would be hurt by it. It's your choice, and the same goes for Liam".

"Thank you," I finally said giving him a half-hearted smile.

I felt as though he was directing it more towards Liam. He had always been more curious about our mom and what happened to her. Still, it was nice that he said that to us. It was kind of a hard subject to talk about, but it felt so nice to finally talk about it.

Dad even suggested I should start going to therapy to talk about things like swim and what happened with our mom. I agreed and he said he would find someone and set up an appointment for me. Even Liam wanted to have an appointment for himself. 

I didn't tell him about Callum or the dare because truthfully he still was a good guy and I didn't want my dad to think otherwise. Sometimes ignorance really was bliss I guess. If he were to ask about him in I would make up some story on how school was really hectic with finals or whatever. Eventually I would have to tell him, but for now, we'll wait.

Going back to school after that incident was a disaster. That following Monday I threw up at school three times. The rest of the week I was lucky enough to only throw up once each day. Seeing him made me physically sick to my stomach. I still wasn't sure if it was the betrayal or to see how torn up he seemed to be about it.

That Monday he came to school wearing a hoodie and his eyes were bloodshot red. His shoulders sagged and he looked so glum. His eyes were glassy and sad. 

Once we made eye contact and he had the slightest look of hope until I ran for the bathroom and threw up. I hated that I felt sorry for him. That was the last time I looked at him. 

Every class we had together he sat at the far back corner while I sat in the very front so I couldn't see him. He disappeared at lunch, while Tyler sat with the lacrosse boys. Riley and I would go off campus to grab a coffee or whatever food we were feeling then.

I forced myself to get ready every day for school. I would put on my makeup and do my hair. I would wear a cute outfit, and plaster on a fake smile. It was a tiny smile, but it was better than nothing.

I had to force myself to pretend to be okay because eventually, I wouldn't have to pretend anymore. We would all come to the realization that Cal and I weren't meant to be. That I was used to win a game. The whole thing was made up of fake feelings.

Since I wasn't in swim anymore I spent most of my free time at Tish's spin studio helping out. I would work the front desk a few days a week, wash the towels, or even work in the playroom with the kids.

Tish offered to pay me for it over the summer and I had agreed. I figured it would be a good way to spend my time doing something productive rather than being a couch potato. I also started to take spin classes on the weekends or the nights when there were extra bikes. It helped with some of the mental strain. 

No matter how hard I tried to forget about him, everything made it a little difficult. Not to mention the fact he still was my neighbor. I would catch glimpses of him if we got home at the same time. Occasionally our eyes would meet for a split second before one of us turned away. Each time the dull ache grew.

No matter how many times our paths crossed, neither of us said a word to each other. Maybe our brains shut down as soon as we were within distance. Going through the motions each day no matter how busy I made myself, I couldn't stop from missing him.

I hated that I missed him.

It made me look forward to summer more and more. I would get to work, and on my days off Riley and I could go on adventures. I knew all the boys would be away at lacrosse camp for most of the summer. I wouldn't have to see Ty since I wasn't going to swim. It all sounded so perfect. 

I was silently hoping Cal would still go. I didn't see why he wouldn't, but who knows. I would get time to get over him and forget the whole situation before senior year started. Maybe I would come back to school next year as a new person. The thought made me feel warm inside, for once.