Loving Jane

Six

Sleep didn't come as easily as yesterday when I hardly remember everything. But now that I did remember, I was torn whether I wanted to forget or kept on living with the memory. And it hunted me to a point I'd rather not live so I can forget the pain of living a life with only a memory. 

When no one was looking, I search for a way to stop the pain. It was difficult, at first, yet it got better when I close my eyes and saw a face I will never see again. An hour later, the monitor beside my bed started beeping again. I was suddenly breathless. My vision started getting blurry. So, I closed my eyes, waiting for my heart to give up.

Then I heard a familiar voice in the distance, calling out my name.

"Jane! Jane! Don't you dare give up on me. You're not doing this to me, you hear me. Don't you dare!"

The voice echoed for another minute until it muffled and trailed into silence.

It was then I welcome an old familiar friend, darkness. Empty. Warm. And safe, for now. Until I can get out of it again, and finally, hopefully, I will join him where ever he is.

As I felt myself wake up, my vision returning, seeing the familiar white room, hearing the steady rhythm of the heartbeat in the monitor, my hope was crushed.

"No. Why?" My voice sounded choked and weak.

"Jane, can you hear me?" I turned to the voice and found the doctor. He sat on a chair close on the right side of my bed. "Jane?" He asked again when I didn't reply.

"What are you..." I trailed off as I started coughing.

The doctor grabbed a cup of water placed on my bedside table and held it up close to my lips. "Here, you should take a sip of water." He instructed.

I grunted and tried to get up. The doctor quickly placed a hand on my uninjured shoulder, lightly pushing me back down. "No, I'll tilt your bed up," He said and pressed a button beside my bed, which slowly raised the half part, inclining me in a sitting position.

"Thank you," I muttered and got the cup out of his hands and drank half of the contents before handing it back to him.

"Jane, why did you..."

I interjected. "Why are you here, doctor? It's the middle of the night."

"I'm here because as I was about to leave for the day, I got a message that one of my patients was in critical condition – again." He sounded angry, but quickly hid his frustration with a sigh. "What were you thinking, Jane?"

"I wasn't thinking... well, I did think of one thing," I looked away from him. "You should have not bothered yourself with me. It was going fine."

"What was going fine?" He inquired in confusion, yet understood my intentions a second later. "Jane, you can't have wanted to end your life. Did you not promise your mother, and to me, that you'll get better?"

"I did. And I know." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I promise because I had forgotten. But know that I remembered everything. I don't think I can keep that promise anymore."

"You can't mean that, Jane." In my peripheral vision, I could see him reach out to me but stopped when I didn't reciprocate.

"I do mean it. There's nothing left for me here! Can't you see?" I yelled in desperation, which I regretted the second I said it. I looked up and met his gaze. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you."

"You can yell all you want, Jane. Don't be sorry about it. You should be apologizing for trying to take your own life." His monotonous voice scared me. He was serious. And my words somehow hurt him enough to react in such away.