Loving Jane

One

Time stood still. Heavy rain was pouring outside my car. The windshield moved left to right like a pendulum in a hypnotic rhythm. There were lights flashing the dark clouds. Red and blue, blinking like the stars above a meadow. I could hear something wailing loud, but it was muffled like I was a cage in a padded booth. I tried to listen, to make out of it. I couldn't. And it wasn't the only thing catching my attention.

My eyes were weak as it fluttered to a close. But I resisted the urge. His hands reached out for me. His face so clear I knew it couldn't be a dream. My arms stretched to mimic him. I waited for the warmth of his hands.

Yet nothing.

His warmth was long gone.

My breath was no longer even. My sight was a blur. Slowly, I felt the warmth of my body leave me. However, before darkness took me, I saw his figure, and then I felt a touch.

Please save me.

For a moment, there was nothing. No light. No sound. Not even the feeling of life in me. And then, my hand started twitching as my toes wiggling itself awake. I could feel my lungs drawing back the air. My mind gradually reconnecting to my surroundings. Steadily, I could hear. But only undistinguished words.

"She lost... blood...get...now... we'll...loose..."

Then I was back in the darkness, engulfing me like a shroud. I curled underneath the cold darkness with nothing to shield me. I excepted it. What was there left of me to go back? He was gone. I was gone.

But then I hear it again. Voices.

"She's out of critical condition. She just needs rest to recover."

Recover? I wondered about the word. Who are they trying to save? I'm not worth saving now. I'm gone. I'm in the darkness.

"Are there any complications? Will she ever...?" Another voice asked.

"The surgery had gone fine. We were able to take all of the glass and the major stab wound on her left shoulder. She has head trauma, but we were able to act fast to counter the bleeding. She will be fine."

"Oh, thank god. And is there permanent damage? Will she be able to fully recover?"

"That's up to her, ma'am. But we shall see once she's awake."

Awake? Have I been asleep all this time? Was it all a dream? Has he never left me?

My fingers twitched again. My body responding to my urge to wake up. I have to wake up. I needed to know if it was a dream. I needed to know if this was a dream. So, I tried again. And again. Until I started to feel more than I can manage.

I first felt the stabbing ache on my head, then slowly it spread to my shoulder, and my arms as it gradually moved to my chest, abdomen, and down to my legs. Then I realized the pain was everywhere. My body felt like it's been hammered and pricked with a million needles repeatedly. And I've got nowhere to go but feel the pain. I panicked. My heart raced at the idea this wasn't a dream. This was my journey to hell.

It was then the voices came back.

"Hold her down! She's going into shock! Hold her down!"

For a brief moment, I waited for the fires to claim me. To burn my body into ashes again and again. Yet I was back in the darkness.

No voices. No pain. Nothing.

The darkness was a lie. And I dreaded it. When will the pain come back? When will the fires of hell finally take me?

The voice came back again.

"I'm sorry for letting you stay. I can't lose you too. Not after your father. You're my baby. My dear little baby. I'm sorry for not being there for you. I should have been there for you. I'm so, so, sorry."