Loving Jane

Twenty Five

It was nearly winter. The cold wind had a whiff of dried leave of fall as we drove through the highway, even with windows closed. I had my eyes close, leaning my head slightly by the window, allowing the breeze to cool me down.

"Do you want to stop by anywhere for lunch after?" Sebastian asked, breaking the brief silence of our drive.

"Sure. I'm craving a bit of pizza unless you prefer something else?" My words dangled into a question.

"No. Pizza sounds fine." He replied. "Is there any place you want to go?"

"Uhm." I considered. "Italian's good."

"Sounds good to me."

Then we were back in our comfortable silence. We were already outside of the city. And the rows of trees lines in the freeway balanced the carbon emission of the cars. There was more fresh air here than in the city. A minute or so later, we finally exited the freeway and turned towards a peaceful area. By bus, it was nearly an hour commute, but it was merely a fifteen-minute drive by car.

In the middle of the day, I expected more visitors to the cemetery. But as we parked, there were only a handful of cars. I grabbed the bouquet of flowers as Sebastian turned off the ignition. I got out, lightly slamming the car door, and closed my eyes, breathing in the fresh air.

"Jane?" Sebastian called, snapping me out of my stupor. "Are you ready?" He called out.

I nodded and walked up to him, holding the bouquet tightly on my chest. But then break away my hand when he reached out for me, taking his grasp.

We walked hand in hand towards the row of gravestone until we reached the one nearly placed in the middle. I stopped a couple of steps away and Sebastian followed, standing beside me. I read his tombstone as always, which is how I started my visit. Then I nudge my legs to move forward and placed the flowers in front of his tombstone. Sebastian didn't follow and remain a good distance behind me, giving some privacy.

"Hey, Eddie," I said softly. "Remember what I told you last time. I finally brought him with me. I'd like you to meet him. Please don't be too harsh," I paused to chuckle. "He's really nice. And I like him very much."

I smiled. My eyes a bit glassy as tears escaped my guarded eyes. "You know what I said to you about him. He's been such a great friend to me. You already know that he saved me from my accident half a year ago. And Eddie, I've got to tell you..." I trailed off; a bit choked up with my words. "I hope you won't resent me for it. He is a good man. And you will always be in my heart, my love."

I closed my eyes allowing the tears to stream down my cheeks. I stood there for another moment, soaking in the sun and feeling the light breeze around me.

"Anyways," I started again and opened my eyes. "I'll leave him to talk to you for a moment. So please. Be nice. But I know you will be."

I took another moment before turning around and meeting Sebastian's gaze. "I'm okay. You can go now." I muttered. My voice thick with emotions.

Sebastian reached out and cupped my cheeks. His thumb lightly wiped the remaining tears in my cheeks. "Will you stay close by?"

I nodded and moved closer to him. "I'll wait here if you don't mind me hearing your conversation."

"I don't." He smiled and leaned down, kissing my forehead briefly. "As long as you don't mind."

"I don't."

He brushed back the hair covering my face, tucking it behind my ear before taking my place in front of Edmund's tombstone.

I turned and watched his broad back as he faced him, for the first time.

At first, there was silence, and then he spoke.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Sebastian Malcolm. I don't know what Jane has told you about me, and I hope it not all bad," he said and chuckled. "And don't worry, she only told me great things about you." He paused briefly for a moment and knelt down. "You may not remember this, but we've met a couple of times before."

I tried to hide my shock, biting my lips to stifle any sound bubbling in my chest. I leaned in, waiting to hear more.

"The first time we met was in my first year of medical school. Jane knows this since I told her I went to the same university as her for my premed. She was there too, but of course, she didn't see me. Yet you did. And we talked, briefly. It was at the coffee shop on the campus. You nearly spilled one of the coffees when you took it from the counter. And I kindly helped out, not because I've already piece together who you were, but that you needed the help. I saw you give the other unspoiled cup. My guess you ordered the same coffee for that reason."

As Sebastian talked, I recalled the version of his story in my memories. I remember one afternoon when Edmund visited me on campus at the coffee shop. I knew he spilled the coffee since the edge of his long sleeve shirt had dark brown stains. I didn't comment then since he seemed adamant about not mentioning it.

"The second time we crossed path was at a grocery store. You were wearing your military uniform. And from the dark shadow underneath your eyes, and the fresh bruise on your cheeks, you've just returned from a training or military mission. Though it took me a moment to recognize you, with your clear crew cut and tanned skin, I know it was you. You were on the frozen section and looking begrudgingly on the selection of microwavable food. By my guest, you weren't staying with her because I know Jane can cook a decent meal – but she does try to avoid it. And as someone who does relay on the invention of frozen meals, I can't help but make some remarks on some good ones, which you did buy in the end. I hope you enjoyed them."

I cough to hide my chuckle, reminiscing on one occasion I visited Edmund in his place and found a pile of froze packed meals on his freezer. He wasn't a good cook, and I had avoided cooking for people. However, I always made an exception for Edmund, especially when I'm visiting him. I always cook.

"The last time we met maybe a year before you've..." he trailed off, clearing his throat. "I was in my first year as a resident. And the hospital had a blood drive and did free medical service for the military. To my surprise, I was assigned to your base." He paused for another moment like he was waiting for some response. Like me, there was nothing but a slight gust of cold wind. "You were healthy. And I'm grateful that you've donated blood, even if it wasn't really mandatory. You're a good man, Edmund. On the brief moment we talk in that cramped medical vehicle, I knew it. I may not say it out loud, or admit it to myself fully, I did hate you a bit. I hated you because she had chosen you, needed you, and loved you. But that's just it. I couldn't hate you for those things. Because you also have chosen her, needed her, and loved her."

I held back my tears, but I couldn't. Not after hearing his words, and remembering the man I loved who was no longer within my reach. I would never see his face, hear his voice, and feel his touch. There was no way for me to hold back the pain of what was a loss.

"I will not let her forget you. I will not be the one to ask her to let you go. I will not take your place in her heart. But I shall ask your permission to allow me to be with her. I will promise to take care of her, to love her, and cherish her until my last breath."

It was then Sebastian turned and met my gaze. "Allow me this blessing."

He reached out towards me, and I stepped closer to him, taking his hand. "Thank you," I whispered. My voice sounded a bit choked.

"My pleasure." He said and tugged me closer to his side, and slowly wrapped his arms around my shoulder, pulling me underneath his embrace.

We stood there, looking down at Edmund's tombstone, in comfortable silence as we encapsulated this moment into a memory. Then, in a signal, Sebastian lightly squeezed my arm to tell me it was time to go. I peered up at him and nod in reply.

Sebastian let go and moved closer to Edmund's tomb, placing his hand on top of it for a second before taking back, walking towards the direction of the car. As he passed me, he placed a hand on my shoulder. I followed what he did yet allowed my hand to linger a second longer.

"Goodbye, my love. Sleep well."

With that, I turned around and step forward.

Thud! Thud!

The icy walls of my heart slowly cracked, giving me the first glimpse of life again.