THE OPEN MIND COLLECTION

I Appreciate You

Paying lobola, roora, the bride price is a way a man appreciates his woman when he marries her. It's a way of appreciating her family for raising her the way they did, that she became acceptable to him when 'the season for acceptance' came. However, today, it's more than that...or less. As Lord Burkett might say, "It's just good business", that is what it is.

Women say, "A man can only value what he pays for." They do not fancy being treated as objects but they insinuate this by words such as these which awaken men's sub-consciousness.

Already there's a problem when a man comes with the saying, "That which is valued never values" and he feels it's a one way thing..., this issue of valuing someone.

Well, this is just a portion of the whole problem. The enemy of this good cultural practice has many faces. The second face is that concerning a man's sub-consciousness. A man may not know in his head, but through his actions he proves whether he values his woman or not even when he paid the bride price for her. In some cases, men do value their wives after paying the bride price, but in some, "You do whatever I tell you to do, wazvinzwa! You cost me a lot!"

She becomes the slave of the house because her parents 'sold' her to him. The man takes advantage of her as if she's indebted to him..., as if she forced him to pay lobola. In the end one fact remains, that for most men (without them even thinking about it) it's hard to see themselves equal to women after paying lobola. This poses a huge problem in society, and on the equality of gender itself.

With that being said, now comes the issue of status. 'This amount of lobola was paid for the girl next door. Now I want that of my daughter to be this amount...' kind of mindset is what runs this society. If we are to put a literal value on women, then why do the values contrast? It's now about how beautiful she is. Her value increases when she becomes more educated. Her value is already high when born in a wealthy family. All this does not consider the status of the man the woman is to marry, and many men have been turned away from marrying the women they loved because they did not reach the expectations of the girls' parents as far as paying the bride price was concerned.

How do we come to an understanding that a man continues to appreciate a woman even in marriage? It does not stop with paying lobola. That is where it starts, no matter how small the price is. In-laws should stop draining a man of each penny in his pocket before he even starts a family of his own, otherwise he'll struggle before it even begins. It's like plucking off feathers from a bird and then throwing it over the cliff to fly.... It won't work!

This custom of ours can be gotten rid of permanently if it continues to derail from its purpose, but doing so is the same as doing away with driving vehicles because accidents happen all the time. The misdemeanors of a few have corrupted this system and they are spreading like a cancer and there is no cure except to reframe the frame of mind. But can we ever go back to the time when a man would say to a woman, "I appreciate you" by giving her something as simple as a hoe? No..., but we can still 'make lobola something... that simple'.