Good Drugs

Put Your name on It.

Buried in the snow, taste the silence.

Heavy are my thoughts,

So heaven stands between us.

Draw me like your blood.

Hold me like your woes.

Love,

withers, when I grow.

Feelings

shot me like needles.

I need us.

Morning tussled, vexed by the way the night had stolen my sanity. Last night was more overwhelming than anything I ever had to process. My torpid state was the sadness that made God's and poets weep, so unhappy and hurt.

"Coffee?" Len whispered, placing a fresh cup in my hand.

We sat on the porch, listening to the morning birds scream their hunger, watching the dust rise like a dancer, redolent of the legs they lost, movement like ribbons.

I sniffled.  I didn't sleep much last night.

"What's bothering you?" Len nudged gently.

I blew softly on the rim of my cup, watching the steam disperse as my eyelids fought a sense of heaviness.

I shrugged, "Nothing." I lied.

I had made a promise to Dean, and lately it seemed like I was lying to everyone.

Len studied me, the coral, green in his eyes a curious temperance, "I don't believe you, I know that look. It says, "I'm in dog shit and I don't know what to do," he pointed out.

I groaned, I wanted his advice badly, keeping this all to myself was killing me, but I couldn't risk hurting Maya or Dean.

I came up with another idea, a half truth.

"I have the chance to leave now. The last chance truthfully. Dean said if I was unhappy, he could make arrangements for me to go home." I said cautiously. I made sure to choose my words carefully.

Len nodded, "Ah, I see. So you're feeling torn between leaving him, and going on. You don't want a long distance relationship, but this also isn't making you happy either," he said pointing toward the vast, empty land.

Len had gotten some of my dilemmas correct, if only it was that easy.

I rested my head on his shoulder. The solemn sun above us held the tangerine tints of tomorrow, and like an enlightened thought it hung heavy.

Len didn't smile, he felt me breaking and somehow we both understood how painful the truth was.

Dean and Maya were still sleeping, but perhaps it was better this way.

I cried so hard, I was afraid we would have to build an ark.

This wasn't love, and this wasn't what it was supposed to feel like.

Len held me, and I gave him all my madness.

"Let's go" Len whispered, ready to take me home.

I stretched my hands up reaching for the golden ridges that brushed against the canyon. I wondered if God could feel us? If our souls fused our aches to his heart, and made the sunken sky breathe it's dismal blue?

The morning spent quickly, Dean left to take care of something, and Maya and I stayed doing crossword puzzles, while Len packed. It was the odds that brought us all together, but somehow like symmetry it was perfect. I felt connected to them like a spider web, part of me was always attached.