Dandelions & Daisies

13

~Astrid's POV~

That morning,I was the first to wake up. I got out of bed,and quietly went downstairs. As I started making breakfast,I couldn't stop thinking about how I kissed Christian last night.

I felt dirty about it now,but last night I actually enjoyed it. His lips are soft and warm and he tasted like cigarettes,fruity white claw,and fruity salad vinegarette from dinner.

I remember how he had gently held my chin and smiled into it like he was enjoying it too. I remember pushing myself away cause I was to tempted to sit in his lap and tangle my fingers in his hair and let him have his way with me.

I finished making breakfast,but I'd lost my appetite by now. I felt sick from how dirty I felt. I couldn't tell Mitchel. Then at the thought of him, I started wondering what could've gone through his mind,that mind him dare me to do that.

Just then,Christian stirred. I watched him wake up as I started making coffee. He sat up and stretched,then walked over. He tiredly smiled at me. I didn't return it.

"You okay?" He asked. I shook my head. "I'm gonna go get some air." I whispered.

I walked over to the door,got my jacket and shoes on,and saw a pack of Marlboro's peeking out if Mitty's coat pocket. I grabbed it, and the lighter, and walked out.

I started walking and grabbed a ciggy and put it between my lips. I lit it and a minute later,I heard running footsteps. I looked over and Christian ran over. He caught his breath and stopped me.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

I sighed and took the cigarette from between my lips. I blew the smoke upward and let out a heavy sigh.

"I just don't feel great mkay? I'm just kinda anxious and it's got me feeling sick. I just need to clear my head." I replied softly,pressing a hint of a tired smile.

He looked at me,concerned. "What's going on in your head then?" He asked.

I took another drag of my cigarette, then smashed it with the toe of my shoe as I exhaled the smoke. I looked at him and admired his features.

"I shouldn't have liked the way I kissed you last night. I shouldn't have taken that stupid dare-" I started.

He kissed me,wrapping his arms around my hips. I wrapped my arms around his neck,tangling my fingers in his hair as I kissed him back.

He soon broke the kiss. "It's not fair that I get to still be affectionate with him, when you're around.. but you don't get to join." "It's only fair you get to do it also. I'm sure he'd understand." He replied.

"No Kras.. you don't understand. You and Mitty clearly have feelings for each other. You genuinely love each other,so so much." "More than anyone can comprehend.. more than words could ever say for.. lifetimes from here on out.." "I have all those feelings for Mitty,and Mitty only. And I feel guilty and dirty for genuinely liking how kissing you felt." "And I've never coped well with those feelings. Ever. It feels like I'm leading Mitty on." "on top of feeling like I'm making you feel used. And I genuinely care about you,and your well being." "Because you're family. And when I think of being the cause of your hurt,which is the cause of Mitty's hurt.." "that adds to my guilt. And it's a vicious cycle of anxiety and then depression." "And then I find really bad habits to call coping mechanisms and I block everyone even those I love and adore most,like Mitty." "And then Clinton and probably all the rest of you would hate me beyond words." "And then that adds to all the anxiety, and guilt and heartbreak and depression." I rambled on and on.

He softly kissed me again,and it felt like I could breathe again. My thoughts went quiet,and my body relaxed.

"Stop overthinking,and just do. It's fine that you love me,just not the way you do with Mitchel. You care and that's more than enough. So just shut up and go for it." He reassured me.

I looked at him for a second,and then kissed him like my life depended on it.

He kissed me back. Then he gently pulled away. "And don't worry about Mitchel babygirl. I'll talk to him and we can get it all figured out in no time. I promise." He comforted me.

I nodded and he softly kissed me again,and we walked back home.