TW: mentions of cutting, mentions of death, Dan crying, Dan holding a cutting board, a painting falling down.
I stumbled out of bed without even glancing at the watch placed on my small bedside table, I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep so what was the point of knowing what time it was.
I kept having the same nightmare, that horrible one that left me shaking and left
my heart pounding.
I debated going into Phils room but quickly pushed away that option, I mean sure he was my best friend and we had been living together for years, but going into his room in the middle of the night asking him to somehow comfort me was a whole other level of a relationship that I was sure Phil did not want with me.
It pained me almost everyday, how Phil would never think of me as anything more than a friend, also he was straight which made my situation a whole lot worse, he'd probably be disgusted if I ever were to confess my undying love for my best friend.
I let out a shaky sob thinking of it, I hated it.
I made my way down to the kitchen still quietly crying, careful not to make any sounds, but I was out of luck, for some reason a whole freaking painting fell of the wall as I accidentally brushed against it. It fell to the ground with a loud noise.
I heard a quiet groan from Phils room followed by the sound of steps. I quickly rushed into the kitchen grabbing whatever object I could find to make up some kind of excuse to why I was up.
-Dan? Phils voice echoed through the flat
-Y...yeah? I stuttered
-What... why are you up and why are you holding the cutting board?
I looked down at my hands realising that in my hurry I had accidentally grabbed a cutting board, I mentally face palmed and tried to come up with an excuse but was cut of by Phils concerned voice.
-Have you been crying? He asked quite blatantly
-What? No, why? I responded desperatetly trying to hide the fact that I was pathetic enough to cry over my stupid crush.
-Your eyes are puffy. He said stepping closer to me and gently placing his hand on my cheek wiping off a small tear that trickled out of my eye.
-What's wrong? He continued without moving his hand away from my cheek
I couldn't respond, instead I just choked out another small sob before breaking down completely, my knees gave in and I fell down onto the hard floor.
-It...t hu...hurts so much. I managed to choke out.
-Are you hurt? Did that painting fall ont you? Did you cut yourself?
Yes Phil I'm hurt by the fact that you don't like me, and yes I had cut myself (multiple times over the past months) but that was on purpose. Is what I would've responded if I wasn't a goddamn coward.
-No... I whispered
-Then what's wrong? Phil asked now actually crouched down next to me
-I can't tell you. I responded firmly
-You can tell me everything Dan, why is this different? He asked a bit annoyed
-I just can't. I expected him to just respect that.
-You can't trust me? He asked standing up and crossing his arms in a huff.
-Yes of course I can but that's not the point! I yelled standing up in front of him.
-Then what the fuck is wrong then! Phil almost never swore, and when he did he was really freaking pissed.
-IM FUCKING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, OKAY?, I yelled at him,
and he doesn't like me back.
I whispered the last part
-You can't be fucking serious. He spat
-Everyone likes you, you could literally get anyone you wanted. He said, his voice softening a bit
-Even you? I mumbled finally putting down the cutting board that I had been tightly holding onto during this stupid argument.
I didn't even realise that I had said that out loud until I noticed that Phils cheeks were now dusted a vibrant red.
-What? He choked out
I felt a blush creep onto my cheeks
"I fucked up" was all that I could think
-Nothing. I said clearing my throat at the same time which probably made it sound more like "hrtnthinghrt"
-Of course you could get me... Phil mumbled almost inaudibly, but considering that the flat was completely quiet I had heard him quite clearly.
I carefully moved towards Phil who was only a few inches away from me, I moved closer and closer until our bodies was basically pressed together.
I looked him right into his deep blue eyes and opened my mouth to say something before he cut me off.
-Can i kiss you? He asked it was barely a whisper, if it was any other noise in the room I wouldn't have heard his voice, but I did.
I didn't respond, instead I just leaned in and fireworks shot through my body as our lips finally collided. I moved slow at first, carefully moving my lips against his and he did the same. Then it became faster and needier considering I had liked this guy for years.
Phil is dead, that's all I could think of as I stared as the pale body laying in the coffin.
His bright blue eyes closed forever.
I didn't want to believe it, it hurt so much.
Quite suddenly the lid was put on the coffin and I would never see his black hair or pale skin again. I would never hear his voice again, I would never get to be mad at him for stealing my cereal again (not mad for real of course) I would never hear his laugh again. I didn't want that, I wanted to be there with him.
I woke up panting, the stupid fucking dream was back.
I quickly turned around in bed and saw Phil sleeping peacefully next to me.
-I love you, I whispered into the dark before turning around and falling asleep again.
