Desperate Witness of a Risen Dead

CHAPTER X

One day Jiwoo argued with a friend and she was so sad, she was feeling so bad. She stayed three days away from her house, argued with her father.
So I came and I told her not to worry, that she will make peace with her father and her friend and that I am always with her, that I love her so much.
She was so happy about what I told her, and thanked me for that.
I had a present for her, I really wished to give her a present: the CD of A Head Full Of Dreams by Coldplay, which contained the song Everglow, an Euro coin, a necklace that had the shape of the Red Yang of the Korean flag (I had the blue one, the Ying, or Eum in Korean) and then I gave her the first poem I wrote to her with some drawings and the drawing I made for her last year.
I went to the post office, the guy at the office was so weird and fun, we were afraid he would have done some mistake, but nothing happened, the package arrived, the only problem was that there was no phone number of the receiver on the package so it was brought to Jiwoo’s house many times but no one was at home so it was left in the post office. I told Jiwoo, I could see where the package was thanks to a code given us at the post office and luckily she already knew about the situation because the post office left a notice to her.
The post office was on the other side of the city where she was living now, which was Bucheon and not Seoul anymore.
When she opened the package she was amazed, she already had the Everglow disc and she told me that she didn’t want to burden me, about the necklace she said it was cute and that even her dad liked it and then about the drawing she was so happy, it took her breath away.
She was really thankful to me and I was very happy.
School had finished on 7th of June, just like every year, but I had to attend a project in Bologna, in an university of physics. We had to make some experiments and explain people in a way which is understandable to everyone how things work. We went there by train everyday for two weeks, I talked a little with the people who were there with me, but soon other people aggregated to us and as usual I didn’t have the courage to talk anymore between all those people, feeling alone, like an outcast, just like always. We had to go there everyday, from 6am to 4pm, we came back at 7pm by train, there was no rest. When I had to go there I was interested also because I wanted to have an idea of what Korean school could be, about how hard it could be for Jiwoo everyday.
I was so tired on the second day already, I had headache and I felt so lonely, stressed and sad. My self esteem was so low, the flow of my feelings told Jiwoo how I conceived myself as a demon, how I was afraid to lose her..
I was struggling deeply, “What is right? What is wrong?”, I felt so useless, I wished I could die, but I had Jiwoo, I couldn’t die, I had to live for her.
One day during a class a girl, a new classmate, was scolded very hard by our teacher, an old teacher. The girl cried, but I was so shy, I couldn’t do anything, I was paralyzed by my fears, like always. I didn’t feel that guilty at first about it, but when Kamille made me notice it, I understood how limitating was my fear, how weak I am. I can’t overcome my fears, so tired, I didn’t have the power to try hard anymore.
Everyday in the train I was thinking of Jiwoo, I was so sad and I felt so bad without knowing the reason. I didn’t want to talk with my mates, I was too tired, I talked only if I had to, only when they were talking to me, only when we were playing with cards.
I watched outside the window and wondered what happened to her after thirteen days I don’t hear her voice.
I had a shower and I tried to be optimistic, we wouldn’t have broken up, everything will be fine, I won’t fall in hell. Tears were running down my face without crying.
The day after, when finally this hellish project ended, we broke up, she didn’t reply to my struggles, she just told me that in the last days she tried to hide me the fact that she loved me, when in truth she didn’t feel the same way about me anymore.
I didn’t know the reason,
I texted her so desperately to make her come back, but it was no use. I didn’t know what to do.
“What is right? What is wrong?”
I searched on the internet how should I behave in such a situation and I found out that the best thing to do is to just let people go.
She was so sorry, she said I had to hate her.
I accepted to let her go and I told her that I wish the best to her and that I will always cheer on her from Italy, that I will be strong, because everything is dust in the wind.
And I sent her that song, dust in the wind, which she loved so much when she was yoinger.
And she said I was the apple in her eye, she was proud of me.
I said we should not talk for a while to heal each other and she accepted, we didn’t talk for a week.
It was so painful, my chest was cracked, my heart torn away from it’s place, I was walking dead and alive leaving a streak of blood behind me. I wanted to scream, like a crazy, like a psychopath, to try let the pain go away, but it was the first time in my life I couldn’t drown my pain in acceptance, the first time I couldn’t take the flame of that feeling and expire it.
It went on for two days, till when Kamille and Jiwoo helped me. It helped me a lot when Jiwoo said she was proud of me, my pain stopped to torture me that much.
I felt better, so what should I do now? Can I talk or not with her?
That’s what I wondered
I asked an advice to Fourca, my classmate and friend, he told me to just do what I wanted to, but what did I want to do the most? I didn’t know it
“What is right? What is wrong?”