Desperate Witness of a Risen Dead

CHAPTER XX

To not dwell and overthink I started having some hobbies,
I started watching some anime,
That summer I watched Dan Machi, it was such a great anime,
Then my friend Kamille told me I could watch Log Hunters too,
I started watching it, but then I didn’t really like it
And I didn’t go on watching it till now
And I told Kamille about this, or I would have felt guilty.
I want to be honest.
I started learning to draw manga-like characters on an Italian Youtube channel
And really enjoyed using particular tools
And obtaining such shapes.
I wanted also to learn a bit of Chinese, Korean or Japanese calligraphy,
Buy or make a brush like the ones used for it.
I bought two similar to the traditional ones, but not the same as them
And I tried to make ink by myself.
One day I decided to go and hang out in my city and search for ink ingredients,
What I needed was carbon black, which everyone can easily make by taking something not flammable and burning it with a candle or a lighter.
What you obtain is a black cover of carbon that you can remove obtaining a very light and thin black dust that can fly away with the lightest breath.
I used to collect it into some paper tissues.
Then I had to put the dust into water together with another ingredient: Gum arabic.
Gum Arabic is an adhesive, I remember that day was so beautiful, it was a bit gloomy and I was so afraid of going into shops, I passed by them many times before finding the courage to enter inside them, stupid thoughts like: “Going into a herbalist’s shop is gay for others” Haunted and persecuted me. I was weak, but I kept telling myself: “You have to go there, because if you won’t, you’ll have to kill yourself, you have no choice at all, let all the wolves bite and tear everything off from you, let everyone hate you. If you don’t go, you will feel useless, while if you’ll manage to, you’ll be proud of yourself and heal your self-esteem”
By telling me this things, by giving myself no choice, I had the courage to enter the shop and ask for Gum Arabic. There was a man, around 40, bald, I asked him, but he didn’t know if he had it, it’s quite a rare product, so he asked a girl, she was very cute, but she was a bit older than me, maybe around 20 or 25 years old. They told me they didn’t have the ingredient though, so I thanked them and told them “Goodbye” and came out of the shop. I was proud I did it, but I felt also unlucky I never found the good situation.
I searched on Google maps for another herbalist’s shop and found one in the town’s center, again I passed by and forced myself like before, finding my prejudices like: “Oh man, this looks like the shop of someone who feels important, she must be so mean” I replied my thoughts: “The hell are you saying? Don’t you understand what you say has no point at all? Why are you so stupid? Now, go into that fucking shop and see by yourself, you must go and see to judge, I force you”.
There was an old woman, the shop was so small. They were all smiling at me, the seller and the other old women there, probably because I was young and I was a boy, so they were pleased that I came there. When the woman finished to help her customers, she came and I asked her about gum Arabic, but she didn’t have it, so again I said thanks and went away.
I was walking uncertain about if I could have the courage for a third time, I was thinking how unlucky I was on that day and how challenging destiny was with me on that day. I took it as a challenge, but I was tired of walking, I wanted to lay on my bed and sleep.
But then I went in a small street near there and I found another herbalist’s shop, I didn’t expect it at all. I went inside and it was so beautiful and huge! There was some mint smell and everything was made of wood. It looked so great, and it was so hidden! It was fantastic, like a secret shop. There were many rooms and I didn’t know where to go, I tried to work up the courage and asked about gum Arabic to the first saleswoman I saw. She sounded like a normal saleswoman, a bit in a hurry, probably a bit annoyed, but not too much and told me to go in the other room.
I went there and there was a queue with some girls in front of a counter and I was waiting, then an old lady at my right tells me she’s there and I get almost scared of her. We both smiled with an inner laugh and I went to ask her about the gum Arabic. Finally they had it! Also the lady was so kind, she told me Gum Arabic is a kind of thing usually people don’t ask for,
When I went and came back home I saw two girls, one was beautiful but probably I wouldn’t have liked her behaviour, even if I just saw her, I can’t tell, the other one was cute too but looked also kind. It made me happy to see them because it made me prove myself I wasn’t so obsessed to not be able to fall in love again.