Desperate Witness of a Risen Dead

CHAPTER XXV

We all are like the broom under the volcano, we have to create a brotherhood, comfort each other in pain, help each other. This is one of the things that can make you the happiest. Like rebels against mother nature who will never surrender even if insisting in this travel full of suffering won’t lead to anything. At least we opposed evil.
One day, in the end of October, I was meditating and thinking of the sun, as the old man on the forum suggested me to do. When I said “Sun, shine!” the sun really came! It shone in front of me, where the window was. I would have said “It’s a miracle!” but having learned to be critical, instead of believing I remembered about one of the people who replied my problem on last ship. He said: “Following a religion just to have an ethical reference is pointless, even following a religion to start a spiritual walk is pointless. It seems no one cares anymore about searching for the Absolute”
He had been critical to me, but I listened to his critic because it seemed to me it could teach me something. I prevented myself from feeling mortified and useless and, even if that sentence hurted me a little, I’ve been rational and thought about it. When I saw the sun in front of me I thought of God and mystery. God is such a mystery, no one will ever know about him. Brian May, Queen’s guitarist, said in an interview something like that understanding God for human beings is like for ants trying to understand quantum physics. The universe is like a picture, but we can’t see the whole picture, because we’re limited since we live inside space and time, our intelligence too is limited. Some people, me included, don’t understand how God can be good if evil exists. But if God is something not understandable, it is possible that he’s good even if evil exists. The world is made of many paradoxes, even in the most rational human subjects like math and physics we find paradoxes. Even human thought has paradoxes, so why the universe shouldn’t?
That morning I had to see a friend, we hung out a little and when I came back home, when I was doing nothing in my room as usual, I received a message from Jiwoo. In that moment I felt so weird, I was feeling many emotions at the same time. My heart was beating so fast and I was so happy, I instinctively texted her back, I was too happy, but at the same time I wished I were calmer and more apathetic, since being in love with her was useless by now and because I had realized the fault wasn’t actually mine but of this world that gave us limits and of the both of us who decided to start our relationship ingeniously. We did bad but also we did well, because I could learn lots of things and lower my insecurities.
She came to say sorry, and said it was ridiculous after three months to say sorry, she asked me how had I been all that time and I told her everything and all the things I understood.
I had learnt not to hide feelings anymore and I told her about my story about the Bible, about suicide, about self-harm, about my conflict with anger… and that I didn’t really care about that drawing I asked her about, but about the spirit of her that soaked it, I wanted it as a memory, as something that could remind about us.
She understood me and said she felt very guilty, she said the fault is not of no one, but hers. I couldn’t understand why she was saying that, but I didn’t believe it.
After some days I sent her the post of last ship about suicide, I told her I would have sent her that and I did, I translated it all in English. I wanted her to fully understand me to avoid eventual future misunderstandings. I knew it was long and boring, but I didn’t care because I wanted to be myself, I didn’t care about if others like me or not, honesty was my purpose, not being accepted.