𝙬𝙚𝙡𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙚！⌇ 𝚜𝚙𝚊𝚖

hahah, funny....

i wish i could be better at faking being happy. sometimes it's easy. but most of the time it's not.

idk how i feel. idk if it's good or bad. i know it's something, but it feels like nothing. just some sort of cloud hanging over my head, but i can't see whether or not it's a white cloud or a rain cloud.

my mind is a mess. it always has been. im always confused. nothing is ever perfectly clear for me. my thoughts are just tangled earbuds that you can't fix. etc, etc.

i have nothing to apologize for when people say i've been edgier. absolutely nothing. as much as i would love to lighten the mood, sometimes i just genuinely can't. and people should learn to be okay with that.

what kind of hypocrisy is it, anyway, to call me edgy in comparison to my brother, who throws fits and is rude nearly all the time? just because, what, i can't fake smile? i don't reply the way you want me to? i don't do exactly as you think i should? you think you can call me edgy just because im human sometimes?

it doesn't make sense. maybe it does and i just can't grasp it. but it doesn't make sense to me. im not sure if it ever will.

i try my best to be happy or at least better, to feel good and know it, to be able to define how im feeling. but it doesn't work sometimes. things get in the way. weather, overstimulation, depression, hormones, school, stress, just the way of life. and it's confusing— how can i get better if i don't know the problem? i don't know the problem because i don't know how im feeling. i've felt this way of nothingness since may, right after i escaped my severe depression. maybe i just won't ever be able to know if i feel good again? that i'll just have to act like everyone else and pretend that there really are good days. but i've forgotten those days. genuinely forgotten. was there sun? food? colors? laughter? what'd it smell like?

i don't talk to people about how i am. that's not the person i am. people come to me, and im okay with that. i volunteer myself for it. after all, i have to admit that i give good advice. i can sort other people's problems for them. it's easy.

as i said, i never know how im feeling. if i do, i forget. how funny is that? how do i even know what makes me happy if i've forgotten it all. how am i supposed to vent to people if i don't know what the problem is, i just feel.... off? just off. not like myself. i've been walking in a loop for six months now, sometimes knowing sometimes not. some days it's better, genuinely better, but even then it still feels off. like my body and brain just gave me this empowering sense of energy and i had to expel it all. people think it's funny and witty, but i want to cry when it happens. it's out of control. i can't stop it, can't even control my breathing.

y'know?

gonna smash that luigi coochie 😩😩😳😳🤤🤤😩😩 brb