Sometimes...

~ Chapter 1 ~

The rain hadn't let up in days. It was the sky's way of telling me it's okay to be sad, it's okay to cry, it's okay to mourn.

My best friend had just died. Suicide. I always told her that I would be there  for her in her neediest of times, or whenever she wanted. I knew she understood I really meant it. I just wish I did.

I was out with my family on vacation. We had gone to an amusement park that just opened. It was perfect for us. My parents could lounge by the ocean or get a massage, my younger brother enjoyed the junk food and the adrenaline-high rides, and I found peace in the smiles of everyone around me.

My friend, Bethany, was said to have depression. It ran in her genes. I thought she was going to be okay while I was gone, since she had just started some medication and therapy. I didn't mean to leave my phone back at home... I didn't mean for all this to happen...

I came back home and found my phone. Missed calls and unread texts filled the screen. I opened the most recent text. It read:

I can't do this anymore! My life isn't how I've dreamt of it. I can't handle this. I wasn't supposed to grow up with a handful of pills to pop in the morning, or sit down and talk about my problems to a stranger! My step-father beats me and my mom is too scared to do anything about it. Does she even care? I feel like you're the only one. I'm sorry. I'll watch over you. xoxo

This text was known as her death note. I've kept it. I've kept everything that had a meaning with her in it. It's already been a month and I still have nightmares almost every night. I see Bethany's dead body swaying lightly in the air with her head dangling over the rope.

The scary thing is, I might move on. Find a replacement, perhaps. That's what my parents want me to do: to move on in life and make new friends. I've heard that that's what you have to do after a loss. Mourn a bit, accept the fact, and keep going. Yet there can never be another Bethany.

My brother Xavier understands. How a 7 year old boy can is beyond me, but he does. He checks up on me every now and then in my room, making sure I'm living and not staring blankly through my window. He's even snuck up some cookies to try to make me better, which is cute. I remember one night he found my old "Easy Bake Oven" and a couple of strudel packages. We had a mini tea party because he thought that's what girls like.

Xavier still checks up on me, but not as much as he used to. He can tell I'm getting to be fine. I'm eating full meals now, making sure I brush my hair before going to school, just simple everyday things like that.

I know I'm fine. Really, I am. I tried holding back all feelings until I couldn't keep them inside anymore. That was a bad idea, and the world let me know it. I cried outside, hoping the rain would cover it up. I think that's why it's been raining. Bethany is up there telling the clouds what to do.

Apparently she also knew what I needed next.

Some love and comfort.