Just A Song

8

"Are you okay?",
he spoke softly, as if he was scared I would break.
His eyes clouded with... Was it worry. I would like to think so, but I couldn't be sure. I had no idea what I was supposed to answer. 'yeah everything is alright' nahh he wouldn't believe that. Besides, was everything alright? Was I okay?
"yeah, it's fine",
was my weak reply. I knew it wasn't a good answer and definitely not the right answer, but I couldn't think of anything else to say to him.

As I thought about what the hell I should have answered instead I closed my eyes.
But they shot open when I felt two arms wrapped around my torso, pulling me into the other's chest. His fingers slowly combing through my hair. I wasn't sure why Brian did that, but it didn't matter cause this honestly felt like heaven. In his warm embrace, with the scent of his cologne, my head resting against his shoulder. Even more when I realized it probably meant he didn't hate me after reading the 'songs'.
I closed my eyes again and let myself fall into his embrace.

The moment he loosened the hug, he looked deeply into my eyes and whispered,
"I know you're not alright. But it's okay that you're not. It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. And don't tell me you don't blame yourself, I know you do.",
his sweet voice and soothing words made me somehow brave enough to pull him into a tight hug again. It just felt right at the moment.
" thank you",
I mumbled into his chest.

When we broke the hug neither of us said anything for a while. He seemed to wait for me to have a mental breakdown and I couldn't stand seeing him so worried.
Yeah by now I was brave enough to assume he actually was worried about me.
I had to say something. But what?!
" what do you think of it?",
I asked partly because I was curious and partly because I didn't know what else to say.

" It's certainly a good song, but I wish you weren't the one to write it."

Once again his words left me utterly confused.
"What do you mean? You don't like it because I wrote it? That doesn't make any sense to me."
A small smile played on his lips.

" You took it the wrong way. I love the song, I simply wish you wouldn't have had to experience what you're writing about. ",
he explained.
But then it hit me..
" Did you read all of the songs?!!",
he was NOT supposed to see the songs other than the new lyrics. And he wasn't supposed to know any of the things I used to write about.
I'm actually still writing about kinda the same things but by now I try to lead others to interpret it differently. Doesn't make sense to you? Well it does to me, so idc.
The first few 'songs' in the notebook were pretty direct songs. Some maybe a little similar to 'welcome to my life' by simple plan or 'not okay(trust me) by mcr at least the topic was similar. But more based on what you do to yourself (sometimes without realizing). But you could still figure I wasn't alright in mere seconds.
Now he's gonna think I'm fragile or crazy or just weird. But maybe... Maybe he could understand..

"you could say I read enough.",
he flinched, when I threw a pillow at him.
"it wasn't my fault. I didn't know on which page the new lyrics started.",
he was cut of by yet another pillow hitting his face. And I couldn't help but to chuckle at him, he scrunched his nose and furrowed his eyebrows. He looked so adorable.
"you're cute Kang",
I told him in a teasing manner.
"shut up, chicken little"
"but you're so lovely and mesmerizing and wonderfull and adorable and handsome and fucking sexy.",
I continued, trying to keep a straight face. He was perplexed and blushed slightly, before a smirk grew on his face.
"Yeah, I'm aware."
he said in the most smug way imaginable. All my efforts were useless, I couldn't help but to laugh uncontrollably.
As my laughter died down I was met with an offended acting Brian.

"you are telling me I'm not handsome or sexy? And I know you think I'm cute BTW. You rember what you said at the end of the call when you thought I fell asleep?",
this time he was chuckling, while I panicked. Did I really say that?! Why?!!
"maybe I think you're cute but definetly not sexy.",
was my weak attempt to defend myself. Wait, what exactly am I defending myself from?
He IS sexy and mesmerizing. So why the hell do I deny it?!

"so only cute? I can work with that.", his voice cut through my thoughts.

"But you know who is really adorable?",
he continued and locked his - in fact mesmerizing - eyes with mine.
"You. You're like a child that doesn't know how to handle life most of the time."
"I in fact have no idea how to handle life. And I probably won't know in 20 years either."
he chuckled slightly at my statement.
"maybe I will show you"
"oh so you know how to handle life?!"
"hey, at least I am able to cook other things than instant ramen. So I could teach you to cook.",
he knew I couldn't deny this fact.
"maybe I will come back to your offer.
But we have to get back to college now, unless you want to ditch?"
"uhu so now you're asking me to ditch school with you. Or maybe for you?" he laughed out.
"no I just.. Ach.. So you want to go back to the last class or you wanna stay here?"
"chill, I'm coming"
he smirked and stood up. Reaching for our bags and jackets as we made our way out.

The rest of the day went by event less. After classes we parted ways each of us tired, besides we had to start our assignments.

Around 10pm I decided to call it a day. I took a shower, brushed my teeth and put my favorite sportshorts on. Exhausted I fell onto my bed and hoped to fall asleep fast. But as usual my mind didn't let me.
This time my thoughts were concentrated on one person and what they could tell others.
Absolutely right, Brian.
He saw my older lyrics which where packed with self-hatred and misanthropy.
If he tells Sungjin, Wonpil or Dowoon they probably wouldn't want to hang out with me. That would mean I'd either be alone all the time or I'd have to make new friends. Let's be realistic, I'd probably get lonely without them. Even though I don't know them for long I hope they see me as their friend. I don't see them as friends yet but I know I will soon if they don't turn their backs at me when Brian tells them about the lyrics. But then again I am confident he won't tell anyone. But he could. And he will eventually, everyone does...
Before I drifted to sleep a last hopeful thought lingered in my mind: what if he's different? What if he understands?