Just A Song

12

When his tears slowly came to a stop he seemed to be okay. At least I would have thought so if I hadn't seen him break down just seconds ago. He's a hell of an actor...

I knew you sometimes feel nothing at all after a mental-breakdown. I knew the way you would feel numb and nothing but completely numb. And I knew the moment when you switch from numb to feeling everything at once. Or the moment when you even start crying without feeling anything. I've experienced these things myself. And even though I don't think I was in a peticular bad stage compared to someone else, although I don't think I experienced actual depression I think I can at least relate a tiny bit.

I didn't want him to feel guilty about making me worry so much but I still wanted him to know I cared. In conclusion I had no clue how to act towards him without triggering him further.

We lay in my bed for most of the time. Occasionally talking about nothing serious. My mind constantly wandered to find a way of helping him.
What would have helped me when I was down, during my worst state of mind?
In this moment I remembered the only thing I wanted to know back then was that it was okay to feel this way and that others felt it too. Validation.
So maybe I could help him when I tell him what I felt/feel like. Or it'll make everything worse. 50/50 chance...
It's currently my only hope, so...

"Brian, I  uhmm... I wanted to talk to you about something. Would that be okay?" I was still uncertain about this whole thing and about whether I was able to tell him about it or not. Probably not though...

"of course. What about?" his answer wasn't hesitant at all. Well this is about to change real quick.

"I can't even figure out when this started but let's say when I was around 12 years old something changed. And I'm not talking about this whole 'becoming a teenager' thing. Or maybe I am in a weirdly twisted way. Anyways when I was 12 I just stopped feeling, you know. Not in the 'not feeling any physical pain' way though, more in a 'not noticing any emotions until I break down in tears' way. And I honestly don't even know how I am still doing all of this. I don't know how I'm still crawling out of my bed every morning, how I'm still going outside only as often as I have to but I do it anyways. Do you get what I'm talking about? “
he was blankly staring at me as I continued, maybe I shouldn't have..

" Added to this I was a shy person. Like really shy. My family had to push me to my supposedly friends, which I actually liked at least most of them, because I was to scared to approach them whenever I met them somewhere. There was often this overwhelming feeling when I am surrounded by more people. This feeling when the world around you starts to spin uncontrollably, every noise is so loud your head threats to explode, all the oxygen seems to be gone and you find yourself at the edge of breaking down on the spot. It didn't take many people for me to feel this way, sometimes my family was already enough. And caused by these things I always wondered why I was so weird. Nobody else seemed to struggle with this. So why am I so weak? These thoughts are always followed by guilt. I feel guilty for feeling this way when I have everything I could ask for: a functional family, pretty good grades without studying, food, clothes, etc.
I felt guilty and was ashamed of my mind. I was told I was smart and had a 'wonderful mind' and all I could think was ' want to switch? Have fun with it I don't want it'.
So of course I didn't tell anyone. And nobody noticed. But how could they when even I myself can't tell when all of this started?! How could I expect someone to notice a change in me which happened long before I met them. Maybe it wasn't a change after all. Maybe this was simply how I was supposed to be all along. The brain builds up throughout our childhood and that's when I started to become numb. So it's who I am isn't it?

You probably wonder why I just ranted to you about my whole life. Well, because I want you to know, that  even though I probably can't fully relate to why you are so depressed I in fact could possibly relate to a part of it and I'll try to understand you. So could you please let me help you??"

Maybe this was a dumb idea after all...
The boy in front of my pulled the blanket over us tighter and looked at me uneasily.

" You do realise you've literally just told me you suffer from depression and anxiety because you're worried about me and want me to know you can relate?! Really?!" a look of confusion was present in his eyes.

"Well kind of. But this isn't about me, it's about you so tell me what's up! By the way I wouldn't say it's depression and anxiety, it's terrible but I don't think it's that bad..." I trailed of at the end, remembering I wanted him to spill the tea not me.

I only stared at him until he began to speak again.

" I think you can more than relate but okayy... It's nothing much. I'm just... you know pretty stressed out by college. "
he didn't look at me once while mumbling what I was pretty sure was only a lame excuse.

"yeah of course...
Okay and now please tell me what really bothers you or at least find a better excuse than this. You could pay no attention in class, don't study at all and you would still pass all of your classes better than most of the other students who do both... "

His eyes shot up to meet mine, panic evident in his expression.
He really thought I would believe this...

" O- okay, but you have to promise that you won't laugh at me... " he sounded like a scared child.

" why would I laugh at you? "

" Don't ask, just... promise.."

"okay,okay, I promise I won't laugh at you" my curiosity was killing me by now.

"It's just that..." he took a deep breath   "It's my parents.."

"what did they do?"
If they are abusing him I'll get my mom to adopt him or something...

"they didn't actively do anything. They just reacted to something I did, you know?" he seemed so scared. As if he was afraid I would react the same way...

"Well, I'm pretty sure you didn't do something unforgivable. So could you tell me what exactly you did?"

"I kind of toldthemIwasgay..." he spoke way too fast for me to understand the end of his sentence.

"you told them what?" I asked as calmly as somehow possible.

"I may or may not have told them I am gay..." his shoulders slouched forward, eyes never leaving the blanket in front of him.

"Okay and how did they react?"

"They told me to leave. like you'll do right now."

"why the HELL would I want you to leave now?!?!! And how could your parents urge their child to leave their house?! That's sick. It's sad how many familys are broken because of the parents wrong behavior..."

"So you still want to be my friend?" he asked hesitantly in a quiet voice.

"of course I do, idiot. Did you really think you would get rid of me this easily?" I smirked in his direction until I was tackled down by him, attacking me with a hug.

And that's how we lay in my bed cuddling for the second time in 24 hours...
Still not complaining...