Sunken (a magcon fanfiction)

Chapter 20 (whoa)

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The drive to Passageways Malibu went slow. To slow. I chewed on my lip, staring out of the window. Then when we got there and my mom made my brothers stay in the car, it all seemed like a dream. A nightmare.
"And this will be your room" the guide said opening a door. Passageways wasn't how it looks on the commercials. At least not the adolescent wing. I mean yeah it kinda looked the same on the outside, just more- I don't know, lonely. I stood there wide eyed at the huge room.
"Wow nobody tells me anything around here anymore" a girl with dirty blonde hair and huge blue eyes jumped up from her bed.
"Oh Paige, didn't Katy tell you about your new roommate?" The assistant said. The girl looked from me to my mom to the guy.
"Uhm no" she said blinking.
"Well this is Saylor. She's going to be staying with us for a little while. I expect you to show her around ok?" He said. She nodded hesitantly and stepped aside so I could come in. My vans stayed glued to the floor.
"Well this is where I leave you Say" my mom said above me. I could hear the pain evident in her voice. I didn't look at her.
"I'll see you in a few days. I love you. Remember, I'm only a call away" she tried again. I nodded and swallowed.
"Uhm okay then" I heard her tone drop. I turned towards her and wrapped my arms around her.
"I love you mom" was all I managed to say.
"Oh Say, I love you so much. Do your best ok? I'll see you on Sunday" she said. I nodded and took a deep breath. It had become a habit to rub my stitches whenever I was nervous about something.
"Alright. I'll leave you to settle in. There will be a hallway helper down the hall but I'm sure that Paige will always be here to answer any questions." The guy said and then launched into conversation with my mom.
"Hi" Paige said.
"Hey" I said quietly.
"So uh the bed next to the windows all yours. I hope you don't mine that I have pictures and posters up" she said.
"It's fine" I mumbled rolling my suitcase towards my half of the room. I sat down on the bed and sighed.
"I know who you are by the way" she said awkwardly.
"Oh" was all I could say.
"It sucks what happened. I mean they kind of attacked you for no reason" she said. I sucked on my bottom lip wishing I could just disappear.
"Sorry I didn't mean to..."
"It's fine." I said slipping off my backpack. I unzipped it and pulled out the pillow and blanket I had packed. I threw the pillow at the bed frame and smoothed the blanket out. As I reached into my bag for the box, my hand hit something soft. I didn't remember packing anything else besides the pillow, blanket and box. I pulled out the penguin stuffed animal and smiled a little bit. There was a tag on the right arm hanging loosely.

'Saylor- stay strong and you can do this. I believe in you. Love you Say
- Luke'

I put the tag on the bed side table and hugged the stuffed animal tighter to my chest. Paige stayed quiet as I unpacked the rest of my stuff. As I put my last pair of leggings into the drawer and shut it, I remembered my box. I reached into my backpack and pulled it out. I sighed and opened the box full of pictures, folded posters, ticket stubs, old event passes and tags. I laid all of it out on the bed and licked my bottom lip.
"They don't let us have anything sharp. There's a roll of double sided tape over there if you want it" Paige said pointing to a table next to the sliding glass door that led to a patio area.
"Thanks" I said grabbing it and picking up the first picture. Most of the pictures were of me and the boys at Magcon and other events but I also had pictures of my family and the 5sos boys. My hand hovered over a picture of my sister and I. I chewed on my tongue and skipped that one. The plain white wall had transformed into memories and mostly happiness. I missed the boys so much and putting more distance between us wasn't helping.
"You miss them" Paige said, looking up from her magazine.
"Yeah" I said smiling sadly.
"I miss my friends. I've been in here a week and a half and I miss them even more everyday" I looked at her curiously just now realizing how pretty she was.
"Bipolar depression" she said.
"What?"
"That's what you were thinking wasn't it?"
"I guess. It's the same as me. Well except for this.." I said looking down at my wrist.
"Oh" she said. I needed to break the awkward silence that has engulfed us.
"So you've been a fan?" I said suddenly looking up at her.
"Yeah. Uhm you're vines are hilarious" she said kind of surprised.
"Thanks" I smiled.
"So is Ryder single?"
"Yessss. There is no way I would be with that piece of work." I said laughing a little at my best friend.
"He's hot though" she said. I smirked at her and rolled my eyes. Ryder would probably be attracted to her. There was a knock on the door and then a boy about our age poked his head in. If it wasn't for the dark circles and pale face he would actually be hot. What's up with all the pretty people in a rehab facility?
"Oh uhm sorry. They said I should take this to Saylor?" He said.
"Me" I said standing up to get the slip of paper.
"Thanks" I said taking it from his grip and looking down at it.
"I'm Foster" he said sticking his hand out. I narrowed my eyes trying to read his face. He had shocking blue eyes almost as bright as mine, his beanie hung loosely off his head and his brown hair was styled perfectly as if he had nothing better to do with his time.
"Yeah uhm thanks" I said again turning and going back to my bed, completely rejecting his hand and acting like he wasn't there. In my hand was some sort of schedule. It didn't make much sense to me but it didn't look fun. I waited for the echo of Fosters footsteps to fade down the wooden hallways, then looked up at Paige who was staring at me with a 'I cannot believe you just did that'
"What" I said brushing the hair off my face.
"every girl finds hope in that dude. He's like the Ray of sunshine in this hellhole and he was totally in to you" she said.
"So?"
"Soooooooooo you should have made your move" she said in a duh tone.
"I'm not here for boys. I'm here to make myself better" I said coldly.
"Hey did you get your agenda" she said standing up and plopping herself down next to me.
"Right...so group therapy then individual therapy then study hall" she said.
"Is that good or bad?"
"Well..."
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The first week was rough. When my mom Came to visit on Sunday I was an emotional wreck. Group therapy was hard. Individual therapy was even harder. Being around other people was the hardiest. What sucked the most was that when we had free time and most of the other kids were doing their school work, I was just sitting in my room staring at the wall because all of my works online. I'm not sure how I was gonna finish my grade at the end of the month.
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When my mom came to visit the second week I was starting to smile again. It wasn't weird being here anymore. I mean yeah the other kids didn't really like me but who said they have to? Paige did but that was because she was the only one around when I was happiest. My stitches were starting to heal and had to come out middle of next week.
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Today was the day. The day I got my stitches out, but more importantly got to see the boys again. I pulled my hair into a sloppy ponytail and put on my converse. My mom should be here in another half an hour so I should have time to eat. It almost felt good to not be on my phone 24/7 but I also knew that once I got home and was aloud back on the Internet that I would be connected just as much as I was before. I pulled up my skinny jeans and walked towards the door.
"Where're you going" Paige said from her bed.
"To get my stitches out" I said happily and opened the door. The hallway was empty except one boy, facing the wall. I ignored him and kept walking. I smiled, happy to see my mom again. The kid turned around and bumped me, almost making me fall.
"Oh I'm so sorry- oh hey Saylor" he said helping me steady myself.
"Oh hi Foster" I said mentally groaning. He had been desperately throwing himself at me for the past two weeks. All I saw him as was a friend.
"Where're you going so early"
"That's a little nosey isn't it" I joked shoving my hands in my pockets.
"Oh uhm sorry I didn't mean-"
"Its fine. I was kidding. I'm going to get my stitches out"
"Oh." I turned the corner hopping of the last step of the huge spiral stairs. We walked in silence down the hallway into the outside breakfast patio. I picked up a plate and loaded it with precut pancakes.
"So what times your mom getting here" foster said watching me put the butter on my plate. He was still staring at me when I say down at a round table.
"what" I said shaking my head at him.
"I just don't get it"
"Get what" I said rolling my eyes and chewing on my pancakes.
"The fact that you never even give me a chance" I scoffed, spewing crumbs. I swallowed and crossed my arms across my chest.
"Seriously? You've gotta be kidding me. I'm 12. I don't need a fricken boyfriend. Plus I didn't come here for boys or for friends. I came here to recover. So I'm gonna focus on that and you can focus on whatever the hell you want but it probably shouldn't be me" I said and got up. I left my food on the table and pranced out of the room. #girlpower
"Saylor!" A voice said in front of me.
"Ryder!" I screamed running towards him and jumping into his arms. He laughed and hugging me tightly.
"Oh my god! I've missed you so much" I said pulling away and smiling really wide at him.
"Oh" someone said behind me. I turned and watched an angry Foster stomp up the stairs.
"Who was that" Ryder said confused.
"Doesn't matter. Let's get out of here" I said tightening my ponytail and hugging my mom.
"Ok" she said smiling down at me. I grabbed Ryder's hand and started running towards the door.
"Whoa slow down" he laughed as I burst out the front doors.
"Wow fresh air" I said letting go of his hand and spinning around.
"I've missed you to much Saylor Fitch" he smirked pushing me towards the car. I laughed and opened the backseat.
"Sissy!" Toby squealed from his car seat.
"Hi my favorite brother"
"Rude" Ryan said from the front.
"My favorite little brother" I corrected.
"The boys are meeting us at lunch" my mom said getting in the front seat. I scooted over into the middle of the seat and buckled my seatbelt.
"So how are you Saylor" Ryan said looking at me in the mirror. I narrowed my eyes at him and then it occurred to me how many times that question would come up.
"Better" was all I said. I didn't like the way he said it at all.
"Mommy does Saylor get to stay with us at home?" Toby said. My eyes widened and met my moms in the mirror.
"Uhm Saylor has to go back to her vacation later today. In a few weeks tough Toby" she said. I could tell how hard she was trying to sound happy. This must be hard on her. I sighed and looked down at my wrist.
"How's it been at home?" I said brushing the hair behind me ear.
"Well you know. Busy as usual. Not as busy as it normally is with you home but we try to distract ourselves"
"What about Nash and Cam. I guess this kind of ruined their visit" I chewed on the side of my lip.
"It's ok Saylor. They were excited to see you but they're still having s good time"
"Oh"
"So I figured Pizza Hut for lunch?"
"Yay" I said smiling at the thought of pizza. They served pizza at Passageways but it was nothing compared to real pizza. Ryan turned on the radio and I stared out the window. Soon enough we were at the hospital and after checking in and waiting for the doctor and then actually getting the stitches out it was almost one. My wrist was still bandaged tightly with new gauze and taped tightly. I missed Long Beach as we walked through the parking lot to Pizza Hut. The sun reflected off the ocean spotted with surfers like Swiss cheese. (A/n best reference right there 😂)
"Saylor!" I heard a southern accent say as I pushed open the door. My mom smiled and nudged me towards them.
"Come on Toby. I'm gonna take him to the bathroom" I nodded and stepped towards the group of boys.
"Hayes!" I matched his excited tone and threw my arms around him.
"Hi" he said. I smiled and hugged him a little tighter before pulling away.
"Hey" I laughed pulling away from his hug and stepping back to hug Nash.
"Hi sayyy" he said drawing out the y.
"Hey I missed you so much" I said.
"Say Bæ" cam said. I laughed and let him pick me up a little.
"Taylorrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" I said when Cam let me down.
"I told you you would be ok" he whispered in my ear. I smiled and straightened out my shirt.
"Oh my god is that Saylor Fitch" a girl said behind me.
"No no no" I groaned putting on a fake smile and turning around. She stood there with his phone hanging loosely from one hand and hand on hip.
"Hi" I said in a fake voice.
"Ooh look who got out of the mental asylum" another girl said coming up behind me. That one stung a little.
"What'd you want?" Hayes said in a hard voice. I pushed him back and shook my head.
"No Hayes it's fine. Can I help you guys with anything?" I said politely.
"Ooh don't get to close. We might catch her disease" the first girl said. I bit my lip but shook it off.
"Saylor we can go" Nash said trying to take my hand.
"No," I said again stepping closer to the girls.
"Say what're you doing" cam warned. Taylor had already whipped out his phone and was filming.
"No. Listen, what I did was under impulse and it was irresponsible. My disease is nothing to joke about. Hundreds of kids deal with depression where they don't think they can live to see another day. Why would you joke about something that is literally killing people. Would you joke about cancer or a heart disease. I'm lucky that I can get treatment."
"Oh how cute. She's defending her group of freaks"
"Do you know how it feels? Does making fun of depression make it better? Does it make you feel any better? To make fun of something. Let me ask you something? Do you do this often? Put people down? You are probably causing people this pain right now. This pain that feels like it never ends. Are you happy with yourself for making people so sad? Just so you know, your words cut like knives. Maybe think before you say something" I said turning to walk out the door.
"Fine just go back to your sick hospital" one of the girls said. Like damn girl your comebacks are getting to weak.
"Yeah, I may be sick but at least I'm getting better" I said and pushed open the heavy door. I was feelin good. Slaying was always fun. I smiled to myself and walked into the parking lot.
"Zaym girl you just totally slayed her" Nash said running out behind me. I turned around and smiled at him.
"She needed to be taught a lesson" I said frowning a little when I thought about exactly what she said.
"Hey say can I steal you?" Ryder said running up next to me. I glanced at Nash and he nodded. I gave him a look of thanks and turned towards Ryder.
"What's up" I said shoving my hands back in my pockets.
"I really did miss you"
"Awe. I missed you too. It kinda sucks not having friends in that place"
"You don't have any friends?" he asked sounding way to surprised.
"Well, I don't know. I could. I think they all like me it's just I don't really let them in" I said watching my feet hit the hot sidewalk.
"Let them in?" He asked again. I crossed the street walking into a shady park.
"I guess I just want to focus on getting better ya know?"
"Yeah but don't you think that maybe having someone there to make the time go by faster would be more fun" he said sitting down on a bench next to me.
"I don't know... I just don't want anyone right now." I shrugged. He paused before saying
"I'm proud of you, ya know?"
"For what" I giggled looking at him.
"All you've been through. You still manage to be the strongest girl I know. I mean even what happened today. I could never stand up to those girls. Did it bug you at all?"
"Well yeah it bugged me. It hurt like hell. More then the stitches" I smirked.
"And..." He said staring at me.
"And I've learned that you have to love yourself and if you love yourself then you can convince yourself that whatever they say isn't true"
"I think you should write a book"
"Pft I couldn't write a book. All it would have in it would be slang, Internet references and things I dream about" I shrugged.
"I bring barring pizza" I heard my brother's deep voice say.
"Yes!" I laughed jumping up.
"Hey you found a good spot" my mom said sitting down at a picnic table.
"Ryder found it" I said. It was half true.
"Yo Ryder what're we doing tomorrow" Hayes said sitting down next to me. I furrowed my eyebrows confused. Were my two best boyfriends hanging out? While I was stuck in my hellhole they got to be hanging out. NOT FAIR
"Movies?"
"Sure" I smiled a little and opened the box of pizza. We talked about how the boys had been until I had to go back to the black pit of sorrows.
"I don't want to mom" I said sitting in the parking lot staring at the almost welcoming building.
"I know but it's only for a few more weeks sweetie." I sighed and looked down at my feet. Today had been unreal. Almost too good. I didn't want to go back in there.
"Will you ask Luke to come visit soon"
"Of course. Now come on I said I would have you back an hour ago" she said.
"Hey mom" I said taking a deep breath.
"Yeah Say?"
"When I was asleep ya know" She looked at me confused.
"Well there was this room. It was huge and the celling was all windows. The clouds were like pillows and the sky was really blue."
"What're you trying to say Saylor" she said turning towards me and staring at me wide eyed.
"Mom. Skylar was there. And dad was too. I don't know if it was heaven or something like it but it was amazing. Sky walked up to me and you know what she said?" She shook her head and rubbed the bottom of her eye.
"Life's not about getting what you want. It's about surviving what you don't want"
"Oh my god" she said.
"So that's what I'm gonna do mom. I'm gonna survive what I don't want and then I'm gonna go home and I'll get what I do want" I said taking a deep breath and opening the car door.
"I'm proud of you. I am so so so proud of you. I don't know many girls your age who've gone through exactly what you've been through and continue to have a positive attitude about it" She reached over the seat and hugged me, resting her chin on my shoulder.
"Hey mom"
"Yeah sweets"
"Will you take this from me" I said pulling the crumpled picture from my pocket.
"Why?" She said confused. She smoothed out the picture of me at Magcon with the other boys and Kaley.
"Oh in therapy they say to try and remove any triggers. You could see in the corner of that one where my scars were visible on my wrist and it's a trigger" I said stumbling on my words.
"Oh uhm ok" she said putting on the dashboard.
"Ok. Remember to tell Luke"
"Of course" she said squeezing my hand. I nodded and hopped out of the car. I hated lying to my mom. Yes that picture was a trigger but not for that reason. If had everyone I love in it. Sometimes the ones that we love the most make it harder. I bit my bottom lip and stepped into the huge air conditioned building. It wasn't that I didn't like them but knowing that they were all out there having fun while I was stuck in here made it hurt more.
"Oh Saylor you're back. Later then expected but back" one of the 'hallway helpers' said. They call them that but they're just like nurses in a hospital.
"Yeah. Sorry there was traffic. My mom had to get back so she just dropped me off" I said walking towards the stair case.
"Well you missed dinner I can bring it up in a bit?"
"Nah I already ate. Thanks"
"Alright I'll be up later with your pill"
"Yep" I said walking down the hallway to my room. I twisted the knob and pushed it open with a tiny bit of force. It swung open and Paige looked up at me surprised.
"Sorry" I smiled a little and threw my hoodie at the dresser.
"It's fine. How was everyone"
"Good. I mean overall it was really good but I don't know... It's just gonna be weird going back out there."
"Well"
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Life stayed the same at passageways until the middle of the forth week...
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Ok I'm sorry. I've been at my grandmas and yeah he wifi sucks but hey there's another chapter right. I'm just about done with braces right now. It's not that they hurt but I just feel like they fixed my teeth now I should get to get them off. But noooooooo. They have to 'fix my bite' whatever yo. So I'm gonna start doing qotc (question of the chapter) so yeah just comment and stuff. Love youuuuuuuu.

Qotc: do you have braces?