Train my heart

Stuck

Chan

After all the boys had left the studio I waited and planned how I was going to fix things with the boys and Felix.

I've decided I need to have the boys back on my side and try to convince them that I do care for Felix and I do...

I do...

Who am I kidding at this point. I've tried my best to deny these weird feelings for the past 2 years but I give up. I give up hiding them because if I do then I might end up losing him forever.

I love Felix...

And not as a brother, but as my someone.

I'm so dumb to ever think he wasn't. But I guess i needed to lose him to realise this...

But I won't lose him. I'm going to find him right now and fix everything.

I walk out of the studio and back to the dorms, I was just about to walk through the door when suddenly our management comes barging out with the boys.

"Chan there you are. Did you forget about your performance tonight? Huh?" My manger grabs my arms and pulls me along with the other boys, "now lets go or we'll be late."

They push us in the cars and I tried to get in the car with Felix but he was shoved in with Seungmin and Jisung .

I sat in the car with Seungmin and Jisung. The car ride was extremely quiet and I hated it. How they both could easily block me out and isolate me. I know I did a horrible thing, but it was a mistake that I'm trying to fix.

"So are you guys not going to-"

"No chan we aren't going to talk to you. You know why because you are the reason why Felix now believes he shouldn't be in the group!"

Seungmin blurts out aggressively, but as I hear those words my heart crumbles and I feel weak.

"Wha-"

"You heard me!"

I see Jisung put his hand in Seungmin's shoulder and try to calm him.

"Seungmin don't"

"Don't what? Don't tell chan how he's finally broken Felix! Why couldn't you just make up your mind, huh? Do you realise Felix came back to the dorm crying last night as well because he over heard the conversation you and Minho had."

My heart sank into my stomach. He heard that... he must think-

"You know what else chan?" Seungmin started again. "He believed you would protect him and love him... funny isn't it..."

Seungmin then turned to look out of the window and left me once more to my own thoughts.

After the next long 20 minutes in the car we finally made it to the arena. I saw all the other boys leave the cars and we headed into the arena.

"Okay boys straight into changing and hair and makeup!"

Our stylists shouts as we all rush to the rack of clothes. I grab my outfit and head to he changing room.

I desperately wanted to talk to Felix as I saw him getting pushed down into a styling chair. I could tell by the look in his eye he was done.

I could tell he didn't want to be here and I knew it was all my fault.

"Chan stop daydreaming and get in that changing room we haven't got all day!"

I stop looking at Felix and scurry into the changing room as my manager shouted once again.

I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to perform when I knew nothing was okay...

Felix

I sat in the styling chair and thought about how tonight could be my final night as a member of stray kids.

The thought of leaving it all killed me inside, but the thought of ruining the boys chances of being big... hurt 10x more.

"Felix sweetheart, you're all done~ you can go and get changed now."

I say a small thank you to my stylist and quickly grab my clothes from off the rack.

This could be my last outfit I'll even wear in the band... at least it's cute...

Oh well... If tonight's my last chance to show myself I'm going to make it good.

I get changed and I make sure everything looked perfect in the outside. At least it would hide the pain inside...

"Lix come on we're warming up~"

I hear Jeongin call for me and I jog over seeing all the boys dressed and ready to perform. However I could tell by the tension in the air they didn't want to, I just hope everything turn out alright for these boys..

"You know what I can't do this." We all look up to see Woojin looking disappointed at all of us."I hate this tension. Tonight is meant to be important for us and these bad vibes are killing for us..."

I look down as I realise it's alll my fault that the boys aren't having fun. That I've ruined this amazing night for th-

"Hey lix.. don't cry.."

I feel two warm familiar hands cup my cheeks and wipe my involuntary tears away...

I look up to see who it was and I instantly freeze.

"Hey chan get off of him-"

"No Seungmin. I want to make things right." Chan looks deep into my eyes as he softly holds my face... even when he's broken my heart I still feel the same... "Felix I'm sorry."

His words were soft and gentle... they reminded me of the normal chan who always looks out for me and talks to me like I'm the only person in the world

"You can't just say sorry and expect-"

Hyunjin begins to say, but Jeongin was quick to cover his mouth and signal Chan to continue.

"Chan... pl..please don't.. I know.. i know I'm letting down the group." I pushed his hands off of my face and step away.. I could feel myself slowly falling for chan all over again.. but I know I'll just get hurt again. "We have to go perform... just..just stop before we both get hurt.."

I walk over to the side of the stage where our management were anxiously waiting for our Queue to go on stage and the stylists were quickly fixing my makeup.

"Wait Felix. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't mean it-"

"Chan..." I try to control my tears and my emotions. "If you didn't mean it then why did you say it..."

"Felix I have a reason-"

"No chan you didn't you obviously were upset about something and I guess the true Bang Chan came out!"

I'm really trying to control my temper but as I feel my heart hurt more and more and I can't help but get upset and feel angry.

"Felix just.."

"Boys you're on in 3"

"No chan I don't want to hear it.."

"Felix I was jealous!"

"2"

"Jealous of what chan?!"

"I was jealous of Seungmin!"

"Why?!"

"1"

"Because I love you Lee Felix. Don't you get that?!"

His voice boomed through the whole arena...

The mic was on...