Deserae

Chapter 16

My head is killing me, no amount of painkillers or wine is making it go away. I’ve just been sitting in my playroom with a glass of wine in my hand for the past hour while I look at all of my toys and trinkets. All things I’ve wanted to use on my pet, to make her moan and scream for me, but she and I don’t have the same tastes.
It’s a shame, it really is. I wanted her to be everything to me, we would be able to do everything together and she would finally understand the side of me that no one else does. She would be able to know what I really enjoy and how much I want her to be mine. How much I want her to bend to my will and submit herself to me completely.
I put the glass on the coffee table in front of me and layed back on the couch, keeping my feet up on the arm on the opposite end of the love seat and resting my head and neck flat on the cushions. The ceiling is so dark, the only lights available are the candles lit around the room and the occasional lamps that give off an eerie glow. Other than that, it’s just darkness, a darkness that I love to consume me and seep its way into every broken piece of my soul.
Is it really that hard a concept to understand? I crave control, that’s it. Whatever form that takes, I’m game. But I demand to have control over whoever I’m with and no matter what, I require complete dominance over them. 
They will know, at every waking moment of the day, that their body, mind, and heart belongs to me. They shouldn’t feel love without me, lust without me, hunger, thirst, they shouldn’t crave to breathe without me giving them air. I want to own every fiber of their being until they crave my dominance as much as I crave their submission, and it won’t stop there. The final step will be them giving their life to me, for me to mold it and do what I see fit with it. Whatever I want to do with their beating heart, I will, and it will be to please myself, not them.
Maybe that’s a bit much to ask of Rae, at least, right now it is. I’m hoping one day I’ll be able to unleash those desires and have her bend to my will like I always dream about. But for that to happen she needs to be eased into this lifestyle, she needs to be introduced to it and taught my ways so that she can please me.
Of course, I’ll make it pleasurable to her as well, but I will come first. She will want me to be the satisfied one and she’ll be an afterthought, even to herself. 
I groaned and rolled onto my side, looking at the half-empty wine glass before me. I’m a lunatic, a psychopath. No one else in the world has thoughts like mine, I know they don’t. Most people want to be in a vanilla relationship, maybe with a little kink that can be turned on and off like a lightswitch, but not me. I want my partner to never get out of Subspace, and not just because I force them there, but because they want to be there.
Maybe that’s the part that’s the most tormenting for me, I want someone like me. Someone who wants to be in this relationship with me and is happy in their position. Someone that I don’t have to constantly beat and train and is just contempt with being a pet.
Rae’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to this, every other slave was just broken. I would train them and treat them as I’d want my partner to be, but their souls would give out before their bodies would. They couldn’t understand that I was doing this out of the goodness of my soul and that, to be with me, they needed to be the best version of themselves they could be. But alas, none of them worked out, and became just another brick in the wall surrounding my heart.
Perhaps the difficulty in finding a partner should make me want to stop being this way. Maybe I should seek counseling and try to be more ‘normal’. Maybe I should push past my Alpha desires and try to just find a partner that cares for me, and expects care in return. But I can’t hardly tease the thought.
My love is given in a different way than anyone else’s. I don’t give it with a smile and kiss, I give it with a grin and a slap. My partner should know that I am willing to go to the ends of the earth for them, that I am willing to push both of us past our own limits so that we can be the greatest for one another.
Nobody gets that.
Some pets said that they were okay with my beatings, and that they wanted to please me. But I always knew that it was because they were grown slaves and born to be submissive that they were saying it. They didn’t want to be brought back to the shops, I came to realize, and that all of their kind words were pre-rehearsed. That they would have told anyone who bought them the same things, all to keep their skin.
It was sickening for me, knowing all of that time and effort was wasted. Knowing that I had given the relationship everything I had, and it was all for not. I still hate myself for it, because I never learned. I would make the same mistake over and over again, buying pets and being inevitably unhappy with their performance.
That’s why I was so reluctant when Rae arrived, because I knew, deep down, that she was the same as the rest. Even though she never fought back, did everything I ask and never once complained, I wanted to watch her snap. I wanted her to break so that I can prove myself right, that she was just like the rest of them and I would never find a pet to the standards that I was living for.
But she didn’t. She put up with me and did everything I told her to do. Was she happy about it? No. But did she go through with it? Yes.
I heard the door at the top of the stairs open and close again, then very light footsteps came down the stone stairs and to the landing with me. I could smell her the second she walked in, that wonderful smell of vanilla and strawberries, the one scent I can hardly describe yet have memorized into my being.
“Hello, pet.” I said calmly, even though my heart sped up knowing that she’s here with me.
She came around the arm of the loveseat and knelt down beside me. “Mistress, the maids said there’s a present for you. From William.”
Ugh, that little twit. I told him that no acts of romantic formalities were necessary. I said that we would exchange our gifts at the wedding along with everyone else and that was good enough, but, knowing him, I should have known that he wasn’t going to listen. It’s the LunaGolybaya way, to never follow orders.
I reached out and cupped my pets cheek with my hand. She looks a lot better than she used to, I will admit that. And it’s all thanks to me, giving her blood and feeding her regularly has given her a nice, healthy, flawless glow that makes others who see her brimming with envy.
“Let's not talk about him.” I cooed, “I don't want to think about that man.”
Her lips pressed together in a thin line like the words want to escape but she’s trying to prevent it. But her eyes fell from mine too, and instead she looked down at the foot of the couch where my feet are reclinded over the edge. 
“Unless it’s important?”
She nodded, then looked back at me and said quietly, “The King said that the present needed to be received immediately, and that, soon, you’d need to write William a thank-you letter.”
I sighed deeply and rolled back onto my back, looking at the ceiling like I had before she came down here and once again thinking of all the pets before her. All of the pets that laid on this couch with me or laid at my feet below me. The ones who were submissive and the ones who were dominant, and how they all have one thing in common now. 
They’re broken and used up.
Why couldn’t Rae just come down here because she wanted to play? Why does everything always have to be work related? I fucking hate myself for making myself so damn attached to her, it makes the days painful to be away from her.
“Fine.” I grunted, “Let’s see what that stupid present is so I can throw it away.”
I swung my feet off the couch and stepped around Rae, not even offering to help her up or anything. If she wants to follow me she’s welcome to, and she can stand on her own.
Then we walked down the halls silently, I occasionally checked in some of the lounges or eating areas to see if my father was there.  We went through nearly the entire East Wing of the castle until we finally got to the front foyer, and I saw my father's Butler standing stiffly while talking to a humble-looking truck driver.
The butler, I think his name is Maddison, his last name at least, turned to me and bowed politely. The truck driver turned to me and took his hat off, bowing as well. Rather shakily I might add. It's not surprising though, a lot of the people in the kingdom are scared of me, simply because of my power and ruthlessness towards anyone who threatens me or the ones I love.
“Middison?” I asked, after raising my hand palm-up to the driver to tell him he didn't have to bow. “Where's my father?” Wherever my father is, Maddison isn't far behind. If anyone knows where the King is it's him.
With two fingers he directed me down the hall to the massive, intricately carved oak double doors that lead to the throne room. I sighed deeply and couldn't help but roll my eyes. I should have known he'd be in there, probably with that whore draped across his lap.
“And he said it's rather urgent, your Highness.” His accent is a deep English one, and something that he has made sure to sustain even though none of us have it.
“I bet he did.” I thanked Maddison and nodded to the driver, probably the man who dropped off my present and gave it to my father. Does he know it’s for me? Or was it supposed to be somewhat of a subtle thing? Maybe he didn’t even realize he’d be dropping off the gift at the castle, otherwise he might have worn a better shirt.
Rae followed behind me silently as I went further into the castle and to the throne room. I hope William didn’t buy me anything too extravagant, it would only make me need to buy him something of equal or greater value. And I really don’t want to put anymore thought into this wedding than necessary. After all, I plan on becoming a widow shortly after, so maybe I should start planning the funeral too...
The doors to the throne room opened and I walked along the carpet to the three massive chairs set up at the far end of it, all of them elevated on a platform that can be accessed by about ten stairs from the bottom floor. There are three people in the center of the room, but I paid no attention and walked around them to get to my thrown on the left side of my father, who was in the center, with Marleen on his right.
I sat in my throne and crossed one knee over the other, placing both my hands on the armrests and sitting up straight. Power is everything, and the representative from the LunaGolybaya’s territory is no acception to my visual tactics. He needs to know, along with the two others William bought for me, that I am as dominant as everyone says, and twice as terrifying as the whispers.
By gaze fell on the two people kneeling on the floor, with their heads bowed and their hands cuffed before them. Both of them are slaves, I can tell that just from how they’re sitting. But the two aren’t nearly trained as much as my own pet, who’s taken her place down by my feet. They’re just common slaves, probably meant for cooking and cleaning.
But I have other intentions for them.
“Luna, these are the gifts from your new fiance.” My father said, waving his hand towards them for added effect. “And a letter came with them, but he instructed that only you were to open it.”
So, William bought me two new pet’s, huh? Alright, I’ll use them for a bit, just until they either break or I get bored. Maybe I’ll use them as the slaves I’ve wanted to make my dear little Rae, but this time I won’t need to hold back. 
I’ll beat them as I chose and starve them because it’s funny. Make them work long hours and serve me until their lungs give out. Then, when they’re on the brink of death and begging for me to relieve them of this torment I call life, I’ll give them to Rae so she can eat them. Then we’ll finally be on the same page about what my lusts are, and she’ll see me for how I truly am.